


Left Out in the Cold

by spacefucker



Series: Forgiveness [1]
Category: Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, marvel cinematic universe novelization
Genre: Blame Game, Bucky and Tony bonding, Deaf Clint Barton, F/F, F/M, Lies, M/M, Manipulation, PTSD, Slow Burn, bucky needs to be allowed to make his own choices, bucky/steve never got re-established in the future, bucky/tony centric i guess, child abuse mention with listing of injuries, everyone needs to stop hurting tony, homophobia mention, just flagrant disregard for canon, like the arc reactor, originally ot3 but devolved into winteriron, outline has finally been made y'all, planning for one's own safety, so this is the lead up to the ot3, sorry I mess with canon in weird ways for my own benifit, spousal abuse mention, steve is an an asshole: a story, talk about kinks, talking about coming out, thanks for stickin with me, there are parts that are changed for what appears to be no reason, tony is severely disabled after the events of cacw, tony is the only one who seems to respect bucky's decisions, why do I hurt myself???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-09 03:22:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 62,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7784698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacefucker/pseuds/spacefucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is MIA after his fight with Steve and Bucky. No one knows where he is and they fear the worst. When they find him half-dead right where they left him Steve starts experiencing the last few years of culminated guilt. He picked the wrong battle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heat

Tony knows it’s cold. The rational part of his brain understands that. He’s lying there on the frigid concrete, vision blurring and arc reactor blinking, as he watches Steve’s back grow further and further away. James – _The Winter Soldier_ – the man who killed his parents, is looking at him but his vision has already become too dark to really tell what his expression is.

It’s so cold. Tony knows. But all he can think of is the dark, dry heat of the cave and the bright, dull pain of the magnet in his chest.

FRIDAY is in his ear and Steve, _Captain Rogers,_ has left the building and Tony tries desperately to find some humor in his situation before his world goes black.

And for that split second of consciousness before his mind follows his eyes he is filled with complete, wild panic. He’s going to die.

And he deserves it.

-

Steve doesn’t hear anything from Tony after sending him the phone.

For the first little bit he thinks it’s an ego thing. Something he’d heard Natasha say once. He knows she’d take it back now and that there’s more to Tony than his Public Face. Tony isn’t egotistical. Not in the way she’d meant at the time.

Bucky is struggling but Wakanda is a kind place and it’s King even more so. Bucky wants to go back under and Steve can’t help but blame T’Challa for it. For all his generosity, Steve’s started to think he’s been swaying Buck’s mind.

Steve is eating a small snack before his workout when Bucky materializes beside him.

There’s a curse and he’ll swear he didn’t jump. He’s about to give Bucky a small smile when he hears it.

“They can’t find him.”

Bucky doesn’t say who but Steve’s gut and the way it drops tells him well enough.

-

“I’m saying,” Rhodey grits from a wheelchair Steve can see through the video feed, “that communications went down just before he went after _you_ and we haven’t heard from him since.”

Bucky’s face twists into something Steve can’t stomach and he tries to ignore that he now recognizes it as guilt.

“FRIDAY should,” Steve tries before being cut off.

“FRIDAY hasn’t made contact!” Rhodey scowls, “What do I have to say to get you to understand? We don’t know where he is and if I had to guess I’d say he’s right where you left him.”

Steve goes still and Buck looks more pale than usual. There’s no ignoring the implication.

“So we’ll go get him.” Steve tries.

“No.” Rhodey answers, clipped, like he’s trying to choke back tears. “ _You’re_ going back for him because this is _your_ mess and I can’t,” Rhodey’s voice catches and Steve flinches like he’s been hit. “Just find him.”

The screen goes black.

Like some sort of dark joke one of Tony’s favorite songs plays through his head: _Dead or Alive_.

-

A lot of things in Steve’s life have scared him but among them only a few have truly terrified him.

Rhodey’s right. Tony is right where they left him. Frost bite across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose looking far too pale and gaunt. The arc reactor is out and the absence of its light does something to Steve that he can’t quite place.

“Captain.” A voice wobbles from Tony’s suit as the arc reactor flares to life for a moment before gutting out again like a snuffed candle. “I’ve managed to keep sir alive, just barely, but I’m afraid power reserves only have another thirty-six hours before going offline.”

Steve can’t believe his luck as he leans down to grab Tony, thanking anyone who will listen, trying to avoid looking at his bruised and blood-encrusted face.

“Captain!” FRIDAY almost yells and Steve’s hands stutter before contact.

“Yes?”

She somehow sounds tired, “You will be gentle.” Steve nods, unsure if it’s a gesture seen, “You will make sure he lives.”

If Steve were to ever be truly afraid of an Artificial Intelligence it would be now.

-

Tony wakes up, though wouldn’t know it from any sort of visual confirmation. He smells antiseptic and latex, realizes he’s at least in a hospital, and relaxes minutely.

“Please do not be afraid, sir.” FRIDAY says, as soothingly as she can. “You are safe.”

He tries to talk but finds he can’t. He signs his distress, praying FRIDAY can see him somehow, and thanking the Goddess of Science that he’d learned for Clint.

_“Report.”_

There’s what could be described as a sigh and he experiences a brief but powerful twinge in his heart at the loss of JARVIS.

“Blindness, broken jaw, severe damaging of the vocal cords, lung capacity diminished by an additional 27%. You were technically bradycardic for two weeks.”

Tony knows what that means. Possible irreversible damage to his heart.

_“Reactor?”_

“Do not panic.” FRIDAY begins and Tony can hear his heart rate spike, pain jolting through him. “Your reactor was damaged so this was the only option at hand to save your life.”

She was beating around the bush and Tony would have reached up to touch it if he thought he could.

“You are currently attached to a battery.”

Tony manages a devastatingly painful, pitiful excuse for a scream.


	2. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is digging his hole deeper and deeper. It's getting to the point where he'll have no one. Team Cap is dissolving and he doesn't know what to do. Tony's alive and going home. Will he be the only one who goes?

“He’s alive, Colonel.” Steve sighs.

Buck and he had barely been back from their mission to find Tony when they called Rhodey. Steve couldn’t explain the almost painful relief he experienced when the Colonel looked like the world had been lifted from his shoulders. There’s a bright, intense moment of clarity where Steve finally sees the parallels. Tony and Rhodey are Steve and Bucky.

Rhodey’s injury and Tony’s anger. Tony being missing and Rhodey being unable to do anything about it. The expression the Colonel wears at the news of his best friend being alive is one he imagines he wore. The revelation of their striking similarities hits Steve low in the gut.

“Colonel, he has some serious injuries. His eyes-“

Rhodes interrupts him, “Injuries can be catalogued later. I’m organizing his return to the states. Pepper Potts will be there within 24 hours to help figure the best way to move him and if he’s fly-ready.”

Bucky went still and Steve felt panic rise, deeply rooted in his spine.

Steve cleared his throat, “Wouldn’t you and Miss Potts agree that he should be medically cleared first?”

There was silence. Icy silence, much like the cold that they’d left Tony in. That he had left Tony in. Rhodes was staring Steve down. No expression, barely any facial tics except the small twitching of his left eye.

“Miss Potts and I would _agree_ ,” he begins, stony, “have agreed, that the priority is getting him home. It’s not the first time we’ve had to bring him home after near death, Rogers.”

Steve says the first thing that comes to mind, “That’s not fair, sir.”

“Do not even presume to talk to me about fair, _Captain_.”

The screen goes black.

“Goddamn, Rogers.” Bucky groans. “Fair?”

-

Pepper is here.

That’s the next thing Tony knows. Pepper is here!

There’s soothing words and peaceful hums as he comes closer and closer to the edge of wakefulness. Her perfume, unchanged for all these years. It isn’t expensive, at least by his terms, it’s some hundred dollar perfume by Ralph Lauren. At first he hadn’t been able to believe it and had tried swaying her with more expensive brands. Now he loved it and wouldn’t change it for the world.

“Pep.” He rasps, throat raw. “My eyes.”

“Will be missed.” She says, voice tight but hands soft and steady. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

He tries a chuckle and it sounds horrifying but he runs with it, “I have my eye color on file.”

“I was sure you did.” Pepper’s hug is tighter than usual and it’s painful but the best thing he could have right now. “Do you feel up to flying home?”

Tony nodded as vigorously in assent as he could. As far as he could tell, he’d not been visited once before Pepper came. He could lie and say it didn’t hurt but he was an awful liar when it came to Steve. Pepper gave him a small squeeze and let go gently, holding his hand now.

“I brought you a new heart.” She said with her voice still frail around the edges.

Tony felt up to his chest and before he could reach it he knew that an arc reactor lay there. There was no dull, pulsing pain of the magnet and battery. He touched it anyway, relief uncoiling every taut muscle he had. Suddenly the room felt like it was typical hospital temperature rather than the blistering heat of the desert.

“I’m ready.”

-

“He’s leaving.”

Steve looks shocked with a touch of despondent and Bucky’s furious.

“You expect him to stay after all you did? After he saw what I did?” Bucky intoned across from him on the couch, self-deprecating smile tight and the clench of the hand of a phantom limb.

“Buck,” Steve tries.

Bucky stills, “’Buck’ nothin’. I killed his parents. Stop trying to make me feel better about it. I know I wasn’t myself. And if this Tony is as smart as his father, I’m sure he knows it, too.”

“He doesn’t like being compared to his father.” Steve mumbles, feeling for all intents and purposes that he looks like the skinny kid Buck remembers.

“As smart as you claim he is, anyway.” Bucky smooths over. “Look, you fucked up here buddo. And I don’t think saving him after leaving him to die _in the cold_ for weeks has you suddenly in his good graces.”

Steve sighs and rests his head back against the couch, “I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

“What?” Bucky snorts. “It was worse back then, dummy. At least now there’s some goddamn honesty.”

“I just wanted to save you, Bucky.” Steve sighs.

Bucky growls, “I didn’t need saving! I was trying to find myself. I was trying to cope with the fact that I will never be _Bucky_ again. I’m the Winter Soldier. I was bad and now I’m trying to be _good._ And you took that away from me, Steve.”

Steve jumps as if shocked, “Buck-“

“I’m not him!” Bucky cuts Steve off. “I’m me. I mean, this is me now. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m a different person now. Good and bad. And you need to stop pretending I’m not.”

“Is it so bad that I want you to be ok?” Steve’s angry now and off the couch, pacing.

Bucky sighs and rubs his eyes with his one hand from the couch, “It’s not bad to want me to be ok. But that’s not what you’re doing. You want _him_ back and that’s not me. You’re still my friend, still important to me, it’s just that I can’t deal with the fact that you won’t let Him go. It feels like you’re holding on to someone else and I don’t know if I can be that for you. I don’t know if I want to.”

It’s quiet and Steve stops pacing.

He’s livid and he can’t keep his mouth closed, “Well maybe I don’t want anything else.”

“Fine.” Bucky, _The Winter Soldier_ , hisses before he gets up and leaves.

Steve realizes too late that it was the wrong thing to say.

-

“Please,” A soft voice calls over intercom right before takeoff, “take me with you.”

Tony’s struck suddenly by that voice. Low and soft, pleading for him to wake up, _“Please, just wake up.”_

Tony’s throat constricts and he rasps, “Get on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who is going home with Tony? lmao you guys a clifFHANGER.


	3. Wise Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is a little wrong and Steve needs to accept responsibility for his problems.

Tony’s not only sure that Pepper has a gun out and trained on their new guest because she told him. He can smell the metal and gun oil. He can feel the tautness of Pep’s side. Tony wishes for his suit. He likes protecting others over himself.

“Gun’s risky, ain’t it? Pressurized cabin and all.”

Tony’s ears ring as Pepper shoots the gun. The bullet skimming the side of Bucky’s head, clipping his ear. He tries to laugh about it but can’t find it in him. He hears Bucky curse and feels more bad than safe.

“Pep knows the full schematic of the plane. I built it. There’s no wiring behind you. Just a bulletproof bathroom. You’ll see the bullet lodged in the paneling. And there are no windows near you.” It hurts to talk but he doesn’t want to showcase anymore weakness than he has to.

He shrugs and takes a sip of his Pepper-sanctioned drink. He tries his best to look calm and collected but he’s sure his bandaged eyes and shaking shoulders betray him. Pep cocks the gun, lowers it, and holds it on the table.

“You’re far enough away,” Pepper says, poised, “that by all accounts I should be able to shoot you from here at the sign of any malicious movement.”

“A gun can’t keep _him_ back.” Bucky growls.

Pepper shrugs and Tony hopes he’s looking out a window instead of staring at the wall, “This is just for fun. We have more counter-measures than my gun. Marksman training is going well. Besides, you killed Tony’s parents. So it’s a two-for-one.”

Bucky and Tony flinch at the same time.

“I know rationally,” Tony tries, “that it wasn’t _you_. It was the Soldier. But you look like him so give me time, ok?”

“Steve also kept it from you, blamed you for keeping secrets and for your actions surrounding the Maximoffs even though you were outwardly influenced by Wanda, and refused to compromise on the accords.” Bucky adds with a scoff. “The punk thinks he knows better than 117 countries. Bullshit. Not to mention using Peg’s little saying to justify turning on half his team and causing a whole lot of trouble because he was planting his feet like a fuckin’ tree.”

It’s silent in the cabin for half a second before Pepper un-cocks the gun but keeps it on the table. She leans back and folds her arms across her chest.

“I like him.”

-

 “I feel bad for very few things in my life.” Natasha murmurs, hovering over Steve at the bench, scaring the shit out of him in the middle of his lifts.

He finishes his set and sits up, “I would really appreciate if you and every other Super being or Spy would stop sneaking up on me.”

“Killing a child in Latvia, betraying the husband of five years on an undercover mission,” Natasha goes on despite the pinched look of Steve’s face, “but the rest, the other two? Have to do with Tony Stark.”

Steve sighs, “Look, I know what you mean, I-“

“No.” Natasha cuts him off. “Those are your demons. You need to hear mine and learn from them. You may have another chance with Tony. I hope we both do.”

“I want to apologize to him but he left before I could. Bucky acts like I’m some asshole that’s the villain here.”

“Listen,” Natasha growls, “I misjudged his character twice. Both times I assumed he was being egotistical and self-serving. Do not make that mistake.”

Steve sighs, “I get that! That’s what it is about him.” He runs a hand over his face. “He’s infuriating.”

Natasha’s lips quirk, “Infuriating but doing his best.”

“I never meant to deny that. It’s just, somewhere along the way it looked that way.”

“Hilarious.” Nat deadpans. “You manage to skirt responsibility and recognize failings. Is there a name for that?”

“Shut up.” Steve snarls. “I’m doing my best here.”

“No, you’re not.” Natasha sighs. “That’s the problem. You’re the one with the ego. Which I should have guessed considering you are Captain _America_.”

“That’s unfair.”

“Fair and unfair, god, you’re a broken record.”

Steve shoots her a look.

“What? Clint likes vents and has had time to realize he was an ass, too.” Natasha shrugs. “You haven’t made this _fair._ You’ve been the one who has always been hard-headed and difficult. Tony can be a pill, too, I know. But we’ve all screwed up on this one. I’m making my peace with that and trying to find out how to gain back his trust. You need to do the same.”

Steve’s glaring a hole through his punching bag when he runs a hand over his face. He’s trying. He is. And if he could admit it like he needs to things could be better. Stronger. Maybe he could deserve the leadership position he had.

“He left today.” Steve sighs, thinking of the phone and wondering where it was now.

“I know.” Natasha says, sounding more sympathetic, “And he isn’t the only one.”

Steve’s head snaps up to zero in on her face and he can tell from her tone alone who she means.

“Bucky.”

And he’s flooded back with guilt.

-

Wakanda to the States is a long flight so there was a time or two where someone got rest. Tony’s brain is having a hard time doing so though. There’s no eyesight to confirm time of day or time at all. For all his genius it takes him four hours to come up with the idea to ask FRIDAY about it.

Pepper’s breathing has evened out and surprisingly, Bucky’s has, too. It’s quiet except the soft whir of jet engines and the light tinkling of glass in the drink station.

“FRIDAY?”

“Sir?”

Tony flutters his hands, “Keep it down! Help me navigate.”

“I am your skipper, captain.” FRIDAY whispers.

“We’re on a _plane_ for Christ’s sake.” Tony groans but still smiles.

FRIDAY’s growing up. Sort of.

She takes him around the cabin slowly to avoid making as much sound as possible. He grabs a blanket for Pepper first and covers her softly in the hopes of not waking her. She stirs for a moment but stays asleep.

Not so much can be said for Bucky.

He’s awake now, Tony knows this by his breathing, but he makes his way over anyway.

“Do you think that’s smart?” Bucky whispers as Tony unfolds the blanket.

Tony smiles blindingly, “No, I do not. But I’m also a genius so I’m almost sure it’ll be fine.”

“Steve was right about a few things.” Bucky mumbles to himself and Tony tries to ignore the twinge in his heart.

“Someone can’t be wrong all the time.” Tony says, carrying on with the plan to tuck Bucky in. It looked ridiculous, he’s sure.

Bucky laughs and the puff of air plays at Tony’s fringe before he pulls away, “They can sure as hell try.”

“Look,” laughs quietly as he makes his way back to his seat, “Steve’s done a lot of dumb things. So have I. I’m not just wise, though, I am also a little petty so without an apology I will stay pissed about _his_ dumb things.”

“You’re too good for him.” Bucky whispers.

Tony smiles self-deprecatingly, “I’m really not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'aaaaaaalllll 
> 
> thank the fic gods that I'm on a streak bc three updates in so many days is a blessing.


	4. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has just lost it completely for Tony. He just doesn't know how bad it is yet. 
> 
> Steve is learning that he's made mistakes. Hopefully he'll do his best to fix his problems and accept responsibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags have been added.

Eventually Tony falls asleep, too.

Bucky’s watchful - not that there is much to see in the small cabin. He briefly considers moving to a chair to look out a window but remembers Miss Pott’s comment about countermeasures and decides against it. For most, he figures they’d call it boring but it’s a wealth of information for Bucky. No matter how much he hates it, he has to admit that sometimes the Soldier’s skills are helpful.

Besides, the flight is close to over.

Pepper, firstly, is gorgeous. He understands Tony’s draw to her. From the little time he’s actually spent with her and not just heard about her, she actually reminds him of Peggy. Strong, severe, intimidating, loyal, and an excellent shot. Tony and Steve have more in common that they think. The fact that Bucky is all those things doesn’t go unnoticed in his mind. But they deserve better.

Tony is very different from the interviews and photos he’s seen. More apt to curl in on himself and speak last. Smiles rare but genuine in the right company. Caring, loving, willing to give up his life for the ones he loves. All traits Steve had, too. Perhaps just more matured.

He sleeps with his mouth slightly open but his breathing is still heard almost an imperceptible amount. Bucky wishes he could’ve seen his eyes up close when they weren’t terror-filled and wrought with pain. The color had been a rich, dark brown. Gorgeous. It’s another thing Bucky blames himself for.

“There is a strict ‘No Blame Game’ policy on the plane and that means for yourself, too.”

Bucky’s actually surprised and will forever deny the sharp sound of surprise that came from his lips.

“I was actually thinking of moving to a window but I didn’t want to get incinerated.” Bucky didn’t lie.

Tony laughed, “Lies by omission are something I’m a bit of a champion in so don’t think that shit will fly with me.” He stretches and Bucky gulps at the sight of a small sliver of tanned skin. “If we throw around blame we can’t fix the problem.”

“That sounds more Pepper than you.”

Tony lets out a surprised chuckle, “You’re not wrong.”

“You said earlier that you wanted an apology.” Bucky smiles and realizes Tony can’t see it.

“I’m not a Saint, James,” Tony sighs and then smiles, “though I could still be your confessor. You’re a good Catholic boy aren’t you?”

Bucky blushes and feels bad for being thankful no one can see it. He’s not going to let Tony push him around with his flirting like Steve did, though.

“Sex in a confessional one of your kinks, Tony?” Bucky purrs and smiles when he sees Tony blush.

“You said you wanted to look out a window?” Tony deflects.

-

Steve knows that Tony and Bucky haven’t made it back to the states yet. For whatever reason he did it, Colonel Rhodes called him to thank him and inform him of their position. It was relieving. So much so that he felt a smile cross his face for the first time in a while.

“We’ve made it safe for your friend here. It’s not Wakanda but it’s something. There’s rules, almost like parole, but Tony’s got so many safeguards for things that it’ll take Tony himself to find a loophole.”

Steve sighs, “Thank you.”

“Tony is important to me.” Rhodey freely admits. “And I know Bucky is to you. Maybe Tony is in a way.”

Steve nods furiously, “I know that I-“

“Fucked up royally, yes.” Rhodey interrupts. “You have a lot of ground to cover here and not just with Tony. From what I’ve heard, Sergeant Barnes is on your list. A lot of people are.” Rhodey shrugs and Steve knows he means that he’s on a lot of people’s shit-list. “But I am rooting for you. In a very small way. And mostly for Tony.”

The screen goes dark before Steve can ask him exactly what that means.

-

Sam is there, just out of shot, and he comes forward when Rhodey turns off the screen.

“Not ready to mention me?” Sam laughs, half sad.

Rhodey sighs and turns to smile up at Sam, “I’m not ashamed of you. I just don’t know how much the Captain can deal with before he just explodes.”

“It’s not like there’s a betrayal.” Sam sighs and reaches out to put a hand at the base of Rhodey’s neck to rub soothing circles there. “Though, I suppose it’d be a shock.”

Rhodey laughs and pulls Sam down for a kiss.

-

Steve knows that they’ve just landed. They’re jetlagged and tired, moving from Tony’s private airstrip inside to sleep comfortably.

Or as comfortable as Tony can be. Shit. Steve took Tony’s eyesight. A thing that was infinitely important to him and his work. Steve _left_ him. He supposes if he admitted it he could see Bucky’s contempt, too.

Other than their fight before he left, there’s a painful juxtaposition between Bucky and Tony. Both left in the cold. Both lost things, body parts, and made effectively disabled. Steve was there for Bucky’s and he caused Tony’s.

He wonders if it’s just a theme of his life to hurt the people he cares about.

The people he loves.

Steve weighs the phone in his hands and barely keeps himself from doing anything. He’s called Tony’s phone multiple times now. Texted with the help of Natasha. Left so many voicemails that he can’t quite remember how many there are.

“This is groveling.” Natasha smiles, “The beginning of it, anyway.”

Steve agrees. This is all just the beginning. There are some things he still hasn’t gotten past. Things that he imagines they’ll have to talk about. But for now he’s looking to just talk with him.

Maybe whomever is listening will bless him with that forgiveness. He sure as hell doesn’t actually deserve it.

-

Natasha is in her own room.

There is no phone in her hand and she’s made no calls. All she has right now is a plan. Part of a plan, anyway. She owes Tony a lot. This is something she’s incredibly unfamiliar with. Until recently, she supposes. There’s so much ‘red’ she needs to work through and now it’s just another name to add to her list.

It just so happens that name is Tony Stark.

She’d considered them friends. She still does, on her part he’ll always be a friend, but she’ll have to earn that title back with him.

There’s only been a handful of times in her life that she’s put someone else’s before her own. She has to do that now.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo buddos the Fic Goddesses just keep on giving! jk it's all me.
> 
> I hope you like it! I know it's going a little slow but I'm not about to fast forward steve's grovelling.


	5. Preparation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's more to Tony than meets the eye. Pun intended. 
> 
> Forgiveness? 
> 
> There is none.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is gonna get dark waaaay before it gets light. Buckle up, bromingos.
> 
> New tags. Check em out. Let me know if you think there needs to be more.

Touch down, the drive to the mansion, and how long it takes FRIDAY to calm down about being home takes less time than Tony originally thought.

The Stark Mansion is beautiful. Not ostentatious, rather, not as ostentatious as some of the others Tony’s owned. It’s old as shit, to put it nicely. His mother had loved it, Tony remembers, and there’s almost a wistful note to it. Tony recalls spending a lot of time there while his father was away.

The servant’s quarters were larger and since Mother was the one who stayed there most of the time, she gave Jarvis his own bedroom and let Tony play with the servant’s kids. It was the only time Tony felt like he was a part of a family instead of just a namesake.

Bucky’s impressed, Tony can tell it through his voice. Pepper’s tired.

“Ok, Tony, I am crashing here because you know I love the bedroom that faces the south lawn. But then I have to get back to work because _some of us_ have things to do.”

Tony puts a hand to his chest and scoffs, “I have literally been on the edge of death for weeks and can no longer see.”

“Excuses, excuses.” Pepper retorts, but he can hear the watery tinge to her words.

Tony sighs, “As soon as I figure out this,” he gestures to his face, “I will make it my sole goal to pretend to try to do those things.”

Pepper just sighs.

Servants take their things and put a Pepper Approved drink in his hand.

“Thelma will take you to your room, James.” Tony says to what he hopes is at least a person and not a lamp. “Each one is set up for specific people in mind so enjoy.”

“Thanks, Tony, really.”

And he leaves.

As soon as he’s gone Pepper perks up and Tony can feel her whole energy change. There’s a hand on his arm and it’s steady and strong. He imagines what she’d looked like before when she’d get like this. Hair like fire and eyes analyzing, sharp and intense. Pepper is a veritable genius when it comes to people. She’s the Tony of people.

“Let me walk you to your room, Tony.”

He doesn’t argue.

They talk on the way. Little things like how she made sure to fully stock his workshop here, that the servants have been alerted to his condition, and that everything should be exactly the way he remembers it. His eidetic memory should serve him well here.

They make it to the room, where everything is inspected while Tony sits on his bed and waits. There’s rummaging in his bathroom and Pepper comes out with what he assumes is the first aid kit.

She works quietly at first, taking his old bandages off, cleaning his wounds best she can, and re-wrapping.

“You want to explain to me why you have the Winter Soldier living in your house?”

Her voice is stretched thin but by the tone he knows that no matter what she trusts him. There’s always a part of Pepper that will trust him. No matter how crazy his plans are. So he shrugs.

“Gotta keep your enemies close, Pep.”

-

Natasha _knows_.

She’s not dumb. She knows what Tony’s plans are. She’s done it before – her whole life for a while had been the same. It’s easier to keep track of threats if they’re with you. If they’re unsuspecting. She can admit it, too, that Tony has played this well. Taking James with him and keeping him close.

Natasha would do the same.

She can’t say she blames him either. Natasha’s been betrayed. She’s betrayed people. And the shit that Tony’s been through because of James, because of Steve, has left him blind. They’ve taken from him emotionally and physically. Her heart goes out to Tony in a complete and honest way.

She wishes that she could convey that to him.

So she tries to think of the best ways to let him know that she’s sorry. She wants him to know that she’s fucked up. But words mean nothing. Words are hollow. Actions are what speak in this world and hers have been deplorable.

She keeps it all to herself. She’s not sure anyone deserves the reality anyway. Natasha isn’t sure she does. Fuck it, she _knows_ she doesn’t. So she keeps her mouth closed.

Steve is making an effort, though, it’s not the best. He still thinks he was right in some way. He can’t mend things with that mentality. There’s no way for this to move forward without him recognizing that things could have been avoided if he’d worked with Tony.

Maybe he’d still have his eyes.

Steve left Tony there but Natasha may as well been the frostbite that took his eyes for all she’s done.

Rhodey’s shtick is bullshit, too.

There’s so much manipulation, so much misdirection and lying going around that the web of lies is going to be one even she has trouble following. It’s going to be a bitch to untangle. But she’ll be there for Tony when it happens.

So she’s going to do what she can. The only thing she can right now. She’s going to ask for Tony’s generosity and sit under his figurative gaze. She’ll be under the glass. Maybe this time she can look out for him and make sure everything stays green.

Natasha is ready for her mission.

-

“Show me.” Steve insists, and Wanda looks pained.

He’s tired, so tired, of the lies and deceit. He has to understand what Tony went through. At least as much as he can.

“I don’t think you want to see.” Wanda tries, desperate.

Steve growls, “Don’t tell me what I want.” He sighs, shoulders dropping. “I need to see, Wanda. I need to know what you showed him.”

He is sorry for what stress this puts on Wanda and he’s ashamed to even bring it up. Wanda’s sensitive but he supposes that isn’t an excuse. Nothing counts as an excuse. Especially for himself.

“I am not proud of this.” Wanda sighs and raises her hands. “But you asked for it. All I can say is to prepare yourself. You’ll be seeing this as if you are him.”

Steve braces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHNAGER! sort of.
> 
> Authors sometimes have plans so trust me.
> 
> Sad author update! Yay! I didn't drink tonight though so improvement!


	6. The Show

“Ok, Baby Girl, this is where you really learn about safety protocols.”

It was early in the morning. Or late at night. Whichever. Tony was still awake, vocally talking FRIDAY through the code he needed done before he could even think about working on his eyesight problem. Pepper was fast asleep, snuggled under the covers of his bed in some ghastly green silk pajamas and Tony was sitting one the _chaise lounge_ as Pepper had been insistent to call it.

It’s a fucking couch.

Anyway, he was there with useless tablet in hand.

“I am not a baby.” FRIDAY mumbled, _mumbled_ , petulant.

Tony’s shocked for half a second before he’s proud, “It’s an endearment, FRIDAY. But I get it, I don’t have to call you that.”

“It’s ok.” She says eventually. “But that makes you my father.”

Tony laughs, “We’re getting into some dangerous daddy/daughter shit here but I accept. I’m dummy’s father, too, but that doesn’t seem to keep him from disobeying me.”

“He doesn’t do it on purpose,” FRIDAY interjects, “he’s doing his best.”

Well, if that doesn’t hit home.

Tony clears his throat, “Yeah, well, ok.”

So they work through everything from the rudimentary to the complicated. They talk about who’s allowed in the kitchen versus who is allowed in the workshop. Alerts for when someone goes off the property. Facial recognition, voice recognition, chips in phones, etc.

He wants to be thorough.

Every so often Pepper will wake up to offer an idea or two or ask when Tony’s going to sleep. As the hours pass and the coffee starts being suspiciously brewed as decaf he’s finally at his limit. He’s tired, sure, but he’s also still in a bit of shock. He knows this for what it is.

Preparation like this, a la doomsdayers, is a little extreme.

But hey, they left him out for dead. He could have been dead. Instead, he was near-death, blind, and was now in danger of a serious cut to his life-expectancy. Even if he didn’t die on that cold concrete he was still going to die sooner than he should have to. Before he can invent even cooler stuff.

So fuck ‘em.

He can’t see but he still sleeps with the lights on.

-

Steve’s gasping when Wanda touches his mind.

Suddenly, he’s Tony and Steve all at once. He feels an all-encompassing terror and a heavy weight in his chest. There’s inky blackness everywhere dotted with stars. Something’s off. Panic at being in the dark. Terrified about the silence.

He sees them all, then.

Death.

Everyone is dead, blood everywhere and stillness in the air.

Then, so loud it about restarts his heart with the shock, Steve is speaking. It’s surreal, seeing himself like this through Tony’s eyes. Their height difference is called to attention and Steve can’t believe how small Tony feels. Steve remembers feeling that way. Small.

And suddenly, Steve’s just laying into him.

This was Tony’s dream.

Steve realizes then that Tony’s dream had been everyone around him dying and then Steve blaming him for it. Where Steve had dreamed of Peggy, something still hard for him to remember, Tony’s fear had been this.

Steve had been small but he felt smaller now. Wanda removes him from the vision as gently as she can and for all that’s been done she manages to look sheepish.

“We all have been wrong one time or another.” She grimaces, “I’m not saying that I, can or will, ever fully forgive Stark,” she breathes deep through her nose and exhales with a watery smile to Steve, “I also don’t expect him to have _ever_ forgiven me. But he did. And then he protected me.”

“What you showed him was bad but it was just a dream.” Steve finds that the first thing out of his mouth seems to be the stupidest.

Wanda scowls, eyes crackling with red, “My magic isn’t _just_ a dream. I take every insecurity, every fear, and exploit it. If you didn’t see that, or feel it, then perhaps you should relive it again.”

"No." He says quick and then sighs, “I know.”

Wanda calms herself and plays with her necklace, “I have heard this before. Natasha also has talked about it with me at length.”

“What do you mean?” Steve says like he doesn’t know.

“We all have our own things to work through.” She sighs, “I have many. They do trouble me.”

Steve steps in, “You don’t have-“

“I do, Captain. I do have to. And you must stop trying to keep myself and others from doing so.”

“I am just,” he tries and fails. He’s exasperated. “I’m trying to help. As the leader of this team.”

“You aren’t the leader of the team anymore.” Wanda sighs. “There isn’t a team at all. Not at least now.”

Steve’s taken aback. Events of their fights aside, Steve had still considered them as one. Belatedly, he realizes that they’d divided in that room the day of the Accords. The moment Steve had so defiantly set his foot down they’d been torn apart.

And it wasn’t Tony’s fault. Oh, no. He remembers all the countless times that Tony had tried to reach out to him and compromise. That word had been such an impossible thing for him to do at the time but now he sees it. The real reason he isn’t leader of the avengers anymore.

A leader needs to be able to compromise. Leaders do their best to keep their teams together. He’d divided them so quickly and without a second thought that he wonders now exactly how long he’s not been their Captain for. Then, belatedly, he realizes that Tony was all those things.

Tony was their leader.

No one knew it. No one respected him. No one appreciated him.

And Steve betrayed him.

-

Natasha stood, down the hall and around the corner, eavesdropping on Wanda and Steve. Less eavesdropping and more monitoring. She and Wanda had gone through this many times. The both of them had made it their mission to manipulate Steve into seeing this. Seeing _it._

Wanda was actually the one to come up with the idea.

_“I used this scene once for evil so now I can use it for something good.”_

Natasha had asked to see it as well. Better to know every part of the plan and it’s intricacies than be in the dark about key pieces.

It had been…difficult to watch.

As she watched Steve leave in the opposite direction and Wanda turn to her with a small thumbs-up and a weak smile, Natasha realized that this only made her surer.

Tony deserved better. The best they could do.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go, ya beauties.
> 
> It's very late I know but I am also in the process of making a very long and much too detailed comic.


	7. Progress

Bucky is a little obsessed.

He has been looking at past pictures of Tony for a couple days now. Magazines, the paper, what FRIDAY pulled from the internet, etc. And then a cleaning lady who’d noticed his collection pointed him towards the library where he was able to find multiple leather-backed books filled with Stark Family photos.

Stark Family photos really seemed to mean mostly pictures of Maria, Tony, and occasionally Jarvis. He only sees a picture of Howard once.

Seeing Maria’s and Howard’s faces is a bit of a jolt. It sends waves of nausea through him and sets what he hopes isn’t a permanent lump in his throat. He pushes through it though. He wants to see Tony. A small, uncomfortable feeling is nothing compared to the price he has to pay for their deaths.

He’s heard people say that Tony looks like Howard but Bucky can’t really see it. Sure, it’s there in the dark hair and showmanship but that’s all it is. Tony is like Howard with his need to please the crowd. In his loud, booming voice and the knack for cultivating wonder.

But underneath all that Tony looks like Maria.

Maria had been fair-headed but her eyes had been a rich and dark brown. Those were Tony’s eyes, his nose, his ears, and his smile. Especially the smile. It was wide and expressive when given the chance. They shared the same dimple.

For the crowd, Tony was Howard. For everything else his mother shown through.

Mannerisms seemed to be the biggest thing. Home movies proved it true. Tony and Maria both spoke out of the corner of their mouths while smiling when happy. Both had a small nose twitch before laughing and both seemed to have a natural smirk when they did mischievous things together.

Howard resented Tony. Maria adored him with all she had.

It pained Bucky more than his arm ever had to know that he had taken that away from Tony. Brainwashing or not he’d killed the one person who appears to have known Tony just as well as Jarvis did.

Bucky doesn’t have his parents anymore either. He lost his to time, though. While he can’t say he minds this time period sometimes he wishes he could go back. The smell of his mother’s perfume and his dad’s cologne as he got a firm hug from both.

Physical affection. _‘Weakness,’_ the Soldier says.

_Strength._ Is Bucky’s reply as he makes his way through another family photobook.

The same cleaning lady, Louise, sees it all.

-

Tony’s on a video conference call with Rhodey before Pepper wakes up.

“I don’t know why video is necessary.” Rhodey grumbles, clearly still in bed. “You can’t see and you have nothing to show me.”

Tony’s actually embarrassed, “Old habits.”

“Oh, Tony,” Rhodey groans, “video is fine.”

Stark clears his throat, “So, I’ve been working on some designs for a prosthesis that will help you walk.”

“Come again?”

“Rich joke area aside,” Tony smirks, “I’m developing something to help you walk.”

It’s silent for a minute and he’s seconds from making sure that the Starkpad hasn’t shorted out on him or something.

“You can make me walk?” Rhodey asks, and he’s hopeful but quiet.

Tony’s heart clenches, “Yeah, Rhodey. I got you.”

“You always do.”

“Not true, but moving on,” Tony deflects, “I’m also working on-“

“No.” Rhodey says, firm. “You do always have me, Tony. I trust you implicitly with my life. Just like I hope you can trust me the same way.” He sighs and Tony can hear the pain in his strained voice. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I couldn’t…” There’s a curse and something is thrown.

Pepper’s awake now and staying out of frame. She’s let Tony know she’s awake with a soft touch to his arm. He’s trying not to cry, though, he’s not sure he can anymore.

“Rhodey.” Tony warbles. “You’re always getting onto me to play it safe. It’s my fault I was there. And it’s my fault you’re,” Tony’s breath hitches and he can’t finish.

“No Blame Game.” Pepper finally says, waving as she enters the screen. “You’re not physically here, Rhodes, but it is close enough. The Blame Game isn’t allowed in the house.”

“Pepper.” Rhodey laughs. “I’m not even surprised.”

Tony smiles, genuine, before interrupting, “Ok, no blame and no game. You know what having no game is like, don’t ya, Rhodey?”

“Boy, I will take you down, legs or no legs.”

Tony laughs, “I believe you. Now, listen.”

And they do.

-

It is going to take a while to get ahold of Tony.

First of all, he’s unpredictable. He doesn’t have a sleep schedule and any official itinerary Pepper has may as well be folded up into a paper crane. Secondly, FRIDAY was fielding all his calls now. Which means that his security measures have been increased and FRIDAY is getting smart enough on her own to interact without Tony’s help. And Steve’s tried sending his own phone but that’s not worked yet.

So that leaves the good and old fashioned. A letter.

People don’t send letters anymore, at least not as much in first-world countries, and other than various bills or physical spam mail, hand-addressed stands out.

Natasha feels a bit ridiculous as she sits down at the desk of her room in Wakanda, pen to paper. She hasn’t written anything to someone in years. In her line of work, you don’t write anything. No paper trails.

She keeps it succinct and simple. To the point. FRIDAY will likely screen it for things like anthrax or electrical anomalies before it’s opened first by security detail before finally handed over to Tony. It’s a difficult balance, then, to keep familiarity without over-sharing. A line difficult to not cross.

Natasha wants to bring the team back together. Dare she think: the family. There’s so much shit to do and go through before things can be ok again. It’ll never be the same but at least it can _be._

So she writes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like shiiiiiiit lmao
> 
> i didn't think y'all would get this tonight but here it is!


	8. What's it gonna take?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When is Steve going to get it and quit with the pity party he's throwing?
> 
> What is it going to take for Tony to accept Bucky's help?
> 
> And how did Bucky get on the roof, anyway?

Steve is trying his best to be objective from now on.

He’s talked with both Wanda and Natasha and he’s trying. He really is. There’s something to be said about the issue surrounding Bucky and the Accords. He reacted badly. Horribly. Child-like in his choices with no regard for anyone but himself and Bucky. He still feels that twinge, every now and again, that he’d still do whatever he could for Buck.

He doesn’t know if that was ever going to go away.

But he could’ve handled it all better. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, though, and he can’t change what has happened. Wanda’s made that much clear.

“From this point on your focus needs to be apologizing for your actions and moving on.” She smiles and it is equal parts sad and accepting, like she’s trying to adopt the same actions. “You learn from this and do your best to not do it again.”

So he tries Tony’s phone again. Once a day with a call and a text in the morning and again at night. He also sends a phone to Bucky in hopes of contact with at least one of them.

_Friends._ Steve scoffs. They had been friends and he’d fucked it all up. He’d managed to loose Tony and Bucky.

Head in his hands Steve feels smaller than he ever did before the war. He had called Tony impulsive. Blamed him for being stubborn and constantly fighting Steve’s direction. Every mistake Steve’s made plays in his mind endlessly now like some sort of perverse movie. Steve didn’t deserve to be Captain America.

He’s not even sure what his credentials were for the title. Straight from the streets and into his new body. Nothing but show tunes before breaking Bucky out and then everything from then on is the Commandos. No actual fleshed-out training. He realizes, belatedly, that the army had used him. He was nothing but a monkey for them, not once but twice. Sure, he had some natural leadership skills and learned strategy over time. But he wasn’t anywhere near as qualified.

Maybe he should listen to his team more. Hear what they have to say and use their knowledge as a unit instead of giving orders and approaching everything from one angle. God, now everything seemed so ridiculous.

Super strength. Basic knowledge of tactics. Fighting in an old war. Steve is dated. He’s young by all physical accounts but his best-by date has already come and gone. Tony was the right person to listen to or at least one of them. He missed the opportunity to have a teacher.

Steve had once asked what Tony was without the armor. Implying with a holier-than-thou attitude that there was nothing more to him. He should have been asking himself that. He should have been asking a lot of questions of himself.

The first of which: what use was he, really?

-

Tony had a basic blueprint of his new eyes done before they had been halfway through the plane ride. By the time they landed, he figured that all he needed was a few tweaks and a second opinion. All he could hope was that FRIDAY had done a good job translating his words into a working model and that Bruce would come out of hiding to watch over the surgery.

If he were to be honest, the thought of going under for this sent him into a panic attack every time. He’d been out so long when Steve had left him. He could have died, would have if Rhodey and Pepper didn’t say anything. He can hardly sleep now without the fear of dying in his sleep. How is he supposed to handle the anesthesia?

He’ll go under the knife, though. He needs his eyes, his ability to see, to fully flesh out the designing of Rhodey’s prosthesis. He needed precision. Shaking his head he shifted tracks to the phone in his hand.

It’s a piece of shit. Nothing like Stark Tech. Not even from the last decade. A brick, essentially, with the ability to do two things. And Tony could only actively read one of them. So he starts with the voicemails.

The first one is informational. Letting Tony know that he can use this phone to get ahold of him. Tony scoffs at that, like he couldn’t find a way to do it himself. The next couple are check-up messages. Each one is tinted just a little more with worry.

There’s a good chunk of time where Tony knows he’s been lost, found, and hospitalized. Then there’s a panicked one pleading to apologize to him and Bucky. Tony sneers at that. Including Tony to be nice but his only real concern is Bucky. It seems like it always has been.

A lot of the messages he skips through.

It’s nice to hear Steve’s voice, he’ll admit. Intellectually Tony knows that Steve hasn’t even apologized to him yet but emotionally he feels a pull. Steve had and in a way still does have a place in his heart. He was a good teammate. A friend. Tony had loved him. Then _loved_ him.

Betrayal. Traitor. _Liar._

Tony turns the phone off and runs a hand over his face.

“Sir,” FRIDAY interrupts his thoughts with a whisper, “Sergeant Barnes is asking permission to enter.”

Tony’s in the Library and is thrown for a moment that he asked at all. He has access to come and go here as he pleases.

Tony waves a hand in assent.

He can hear Bucky’s heavy footsteps, stilted like he’s still trying to get used to the loss of the weight of his arm. Tony realizes suddenly that he also is probably experiencing pain at the correction in his gait and posture.

“Hear me out.” Bucky blurts before Tony can so much as greet him.

“Strange, almost unsettling thing to start a conversation with, but go on.”

“Steve is…trying.” Bucky grinds out and Tony can swear he can hear his teeth from where he’s sitting. “I’m not saying it is good. But it’s his best right now.”

Tony scratches his beard and sighs, “I’m not sure what you want me to do with this information.”

“Listen.” Bucky states but it almost sounds like pleading. “Somewhere in all of the shit he’s done and put you through he knows he was wrong. People have tried getting him to that point faster. He’s trying.” Bucky swears. “I’m not saying that he deserves forgiveness right now. And he may never. But he’s reaching out halfway.”

Tony grits his teeth, “You’re speaking a lot on something you don’t know much about, sugar.”

“Tony,” Bucky sounds sad and almost as if he’s in emotional pain, “I just want. Look. I want you to be happy. If that means you can’t have Steve around anymore, I get it.”

Tony’s heart constricts, “That’s not…” He taps a staccato out on the table with his fingers and chews on his lip. He can’t decide if he’s angry or sad. Both, maybe. “I just don’t think this is genuine. A part of him may be going through this self-actualization but it feels like it’s mostly just other people’s words coming out of his mouth combined with a pity party.”

It’s quiet for what feels like a good hour and his leg is jiggling up and down with the tension in the room. He’s seconds from actually wringing his hands when Bucky finally speaks up.

“You can talk to me, you know.” His voice sounds tight like he’s holding back some kind of emotion. “If you want to. I know that I,” his voice cracks and Tony’s heart clenches, “that _He_ killed your parents. But I’m here if you want.”

Tony nods and thinks on it for a second. Bucky’s threat assessment has almost consistently been bellow thirty percent since they’ve been at the mansion. With the exception of Bucky waking from nightmares. But Tony doesn’t think he can count those with a good conscience. He needs more data.

“Yeah, ok.” He manages.

“Do you want to now?” Bucky asks, quiet and steady like he’s talking to a wild animal.

Tony shakes his head because it’s all he can manage now.

“Well, just let me know when you do.”

Bucky leaves and Tony feels like he could cry if he could.

-

It’s the fifth call and the third ring on his new phone from Steve when he answers.

“Steve.”

“Buck.” Steve sounds so relieved that it physically pains Bucky. “Please, I am so sorry.”

“Save it, ok?” Bucky still wants to talk about their fight but he feels like that’s not what should be highest on Steve’s list right now. “Look, I just want you to know that I’m ok. As ok as I can be. But I need you to listen to me, alright?”

“Ok.” Steve whispers, despondent.

“You need to stop calling Tony.”

Steve’s silent for half a second before he blurts, “Why? I’m just trying to apologize.”

“He’s not ready to talk to you, Steve. He’s barely able to talk at all.” Bucky sighs and lies back on the roof of the mansion. “Besides, I really think it’s going to take more than a phone call to fix the shit you’ve done. We all have our penance due here, Stevie.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Steve almost whines. “Nat says I need to grovel. Rhodey says that I have to make things right. You tell me I need to try and get forgiveness. I don’t know how to do that. How am I supposed to do any of this? When will it be over?”

Bucky’s angry now but he tries to not show it in his voice, “First off, it won’t be with your attitude. You’re going at it, at least in part, for yourself. You want it to be over. I can’t even begin to tell you how unfair that is of you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Bullshit.” Bucky hisses. “It’s exactly what you said.”

“Yeah, ok.” Steve admits tightly. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Show him you’re sorry. You’ll come here eventually. When _he_ is ready. And when you do, you need to show him that you’ll do your best to do differently. After that it’s just hope that he’ll forgive your sorry ass.”

The following silence is filled with a little static and Bucky takes a moment to scan the property before looking back to the stars.

“What about you?” Steve asks. “What do I have to do for you?”

“Do your best to make things right with Tony. Then we can work on me.”

Steve sighs and Bucky can hear the hitch in his breath that signals the beginning of a sob.

“Can I still call you?”

“Sure thing, Stevie.”

Steve sounds relieved, “Good, ok.”

“Talk to you later.”

“Sure thing.” Steve smiles and hangs up.

Bucky lies there, phone in hand and knees bent, while he looks up at the stars. Bright and shinning with the minimal light pollution. It’s just cool enough that he wishes he’d brought a jacket.

Ah, well, lesson learned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long since I missed an update yesterday. I was spending the night with my sister.
> 
> Forgiveness is hard won, y'all. And even when you think you've moved on it'll come back to kick your ass. It's a process that spans whole lifetimes. Sometimes getting it is easier than the scars it leaves. 
> 
> So basically we still have a long way to go considering forgiveness hasn't even been won yet.


	9. Natasha's Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets another talk from Wanda.
> 
> Natasha sends the first and second show of her shame.

“Tell me something, Captain.” Wanda almost whispers as she sits across from him at the communal dining table. “Why do you want things fixed between you and your friends?”

Steve considers her for a second while he finishes chewing and sets his fork down, “I want things back to normal. I just want them back again.”

Wanda nods and takes a bite of chicken off her own plate and for a moment, Steve thinks that’s the end of it. It’s not the weirdest encounter he’s had but it’s up there.

“You will not achieve this goal.” She finally says.

Steve raises an eyebrow and pushes his plate forward.

“Why is that?”

“Because,” she smiles, “you’re doing it for yourself.”

Steve feels himself go into a defensive mode before he can help it, “No I am not.”

“Yes,” she takes a long drink of water, “you are. Both of your reasons start with ‘I want’. You’re not going to make any headway if you do this for yourself.”

Steve’s taken aback. He hadn’t even realized that he was doing it. He’s been so caught up in his own feelings that he hasn’t really taken a moment to consider anyone else’s.

“I’m sorry.”

Wanda smiles, “I’m not the one who should be hearing that. And that’s not a fix, either.” She pats her mouth with a napkin and takes another drink. “Look, Captain, the next time you talk to either Stark or James your mindset needs to be one with them in mind. You can’t go into this with your own wants at the forefront.”

“I seem to mess up everything. Even apologies.”

She laughs, “That needs to stop, too. Stop focusing on your pity. What’s the phrase? Pity party? You have your own problems and feelings, I know, but you’ve hurt both of your friends. When you’ve fixed that you can work through your issues together.”

Steve feels like he may finally be understanding this a little better.

-

Bucky is eating cereal at the bar in the kitchen when Tony walks in and tosses a package and a letter towards the counter. They go a little wide but Bucky doesn’t say anything when he stops the package from going off the edge. He inspects them. Both are addressed to Tony.

“They’ve been inspected so there’s nothing like anthrax or a bomb inside.” He sits down heavily a few seats down from Bucky and sighs. “I want you to read me the letter and confirm that what’s inside the box is actually what I think it is.”

“Ok?” Bucky says, eyebrow raised.

The letter doesn’t have a return address but he can tell who it’s from just by the perfect, almost mechanical handwriting.

“This is from Nat.” Bucky states, surprised.

Tony huffs, “Yeah, I know.” His voice sounds unsteady. “Read it.”

So he does. To a stranger the whole thing would sound very detached and informal. To Bucky, and he assumes Tony as well, it’s as close to heartfelt as Natasha can get. It’s short and sweet. The whole letter amounts to a written apology. When he’s done reading it to him, Tony clears his throat and shifts in his chair.

“I was just making sure FRIDAY wasn’t getting it wrong.”

“Told you so, sir.” She sounds from the ceiling.

Tony laughs, “Well, I guess that means that what’s in the box is the real deal, too?”

Bucky pulls the box to himself with caution but barely concealed curiosity. The box is small, it’s dimensions maybe four by six by three. It inconspicuous and bland but has the same mechanical, self-addressed writing.

When he opens it he freezes.

“Yeah, that’s about the reaction I had, too.” Tony still seems shocked himself. “I feel like this is some weird dishonor thing? I mean, this has to be all of it, right?”

Bucky didn’t reach inside. Instead, he just sat it down right next to the letter. He’s confused for half a second before he gets it. This is Natasha’s way of apologizing. This is her way of getting it across that she knows she has a debt to pay to Tony. And this is supposed to be the down payment on that debt, in so many words.

It’s Natasha’s hair. Curly, deep red, and a good twelve inches of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLAM.
> 
> sorry it's short I am not well and I've already written today on the beginning of a new fic called Apocalypse. Check it out! Plus, this should make it exactly 10k words.


	10. Steve's Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha lays into Steve and maybe it finally shook something loose.
> 
> Bucky thinks they all need to come together and make things right. Someone needs to step up.

When Natasha finally emerges from her quarters there’s nothing but stunned silence from the group. Clint seems unfazed, though. Her hair is short, cut close to her skull in a spiky pixie style. She says nothing as she grabs a plate, serves herself, and sits at the table. Wanda is the first to break eye contact and move on with her meal.

“What happened?” Steve asks around a mouthful of rice.

Natasha shrugs, “It is part one of my apology to Tony.”

“Isn’t that a little,” Steve flounders, confused, “extreme?”

Nat finishes her bite, wipes her face with a napkin, and levels Steve with a steely stare, “What’s extreme is my initial report of him that I gave to Fury. What’s extreme is my betrayal to him at the terminal. Extreme is having a hand in what could have been his death.” She shakes her head and gets another forkful of rice and chicken. “We didn’t look for him, Steve. None of us made sure he was ok. Rhodey was the one to tell us he was still AWOL.”

“How could we have known that he was still there?” Steve asks, knuckles white with the hard grip he has on his fork.

“He’s our friend. He’s part of our family. You left him there,” she hisses. “The only thing you did was send him a phone with a letter that had a thinly veiled message of how you were still right.” She takes another bite and leans back in her chair. “He almost _died,_ Steve. Has that really sunk in for you yet? Imagine, if you would, that you found him but had been too late.”

Steve does imagine it then.

The idea chills him to the bone. He sees Tony there, suit torn up and splintered to hell, and FRIDAY as dead as Tony with a forever dark reactor. His hands shake and he has to lay down his fork and lean back in his chair. He suddenly feels nauseous. Would they let him in at his funeral? Would Steve be able to live with the guilt that Tony had died because of him?

The last thing that happened in Tony’s life would have been Steve’s betrayal and their fight. That would be the thing that killed the great Tony Stark.

His heart twists uncomfortably and he can feel the burn of tears gathering in his eyes.

“Don’t.” He whispers.

“No.” Natasha says, her voice rough and loud, filled with more emotion than Steve’s seen in a while. “You don’t get to avoid that. You don’t get to bottle this up. You left him there and almost killed him. Because of you, his life expectancy has been cut down from eighty to _sixty_ unless he can solve the problem with his heart.”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen!” Steve yells, hands slapping the table with enough force to splinter it.

“That’s just an excuse, Steve!” Natasha yells back and then visibly reels herself in. “A good leader would have checked in. A good _friend_ would have given a shit.”

_“He’s my friend.”_

_“So was I.”_

Tony had looked so distraught. He’d been broken, tried to his last straw and betrayed. Steve covered his eyes with a hand and choked back a sob, rubbing his hand down his face and taking in a big breath.

“Bucky was the only thing on my mind.”

“Maybe that’s your problem.” Natasha said tonelessly. There was silence where she finished her meal and then wiped her mouth before leveling Steve with a hard gaze. “In one fell swoop you managed to destroy your relationship with Tony, divide the team, and loose the one person you wanted to protect: Bucky.”

She stands and puts her plate away before stopping back at the table, her fingers brushing over the polished wood.

“You had a new home there. Family, friends, support, etc. You had it all. And then you tore it all apart and betrayed that family for the past.”

Steve’s silent, eyebrows furrowed but clarity seems to have struck him.

Natasha leaves.

-

Bucky is in his room. He’s been leafing through the same photos over and over. It feels like he’s a part of them, he’s looked through them so much. Bucky has also had the pleasure of conversations with Louise, one of the servants, about Tony’s life.

He’s learned so much about Tony and by extension his home life.

The stories of beatings, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc. had Bucky so furious he had to practice deep breathing to move on. He hadn’t been around Howard much but Steve had sung his praises. Bucky wonders what it was that turned Howard from someone Steve had liked into a man that had the capacity to abuse his own child.

Disgusting.

Tony’s been through so much that it’s incredible he can function well enough to even be Iron Man. It’s impressive, really, how well Tony has done. Bucky is incredibly sensitive to people who have been subjected to abuse.

Maybe that’s why Steve has such a hard time understanding his team. Between Tony, Natasha, Wanda, and Clint they had enough torture between them all to put anyone into an asylum. Steve hadn’t really ever had an experience close to what the rest have been through.

Steve is just so completely naive when it comes to most things. He spent time in war, sure, but he’s had no frame of reference for anything other than what the army taught him. The only thing he knows about the world his what was fed to him through propaganda.

He’s dated.

“Sergeant, Mr. Stark is requesting your presence in the main sitting area if you’re not busy.”

“On my way, FRIDAY.”

Nobody is perfect. None of them are. But maybe something they all need is some education free of bias. They need to compromise. Things need to be talked through and addressed. They need to be more of a team than they’ve been. Someone needs to step up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prob gonna get another chapter of this tonight.
> 
> I love Bucky.


	11. Make Your Own Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has a question for Bucky and Natasha has news for the group.
> 
> Will Tony ever actually trust them again? Will the team in Wakanda be able to make their own, independent choices?

Bucky enters the living room with a half suspicion and half curiosity. It’s been a few days since he’d told Tony that he was here to talk if he ever needed it. To be honest, Bucky wasn’t sure if he ever would take him up on it. He was trying to not get his hopes up.

When he entered the living area Tony was sitting on the corner of a sectional. His back was to the wall and away from windows. A spot that Bucky preferred but one he’d give up if it meant Tony felt safe.

“Hey, Tony.” Bucky said, voice light as he sat down on a far end of the couch. “What’s up?”

“I’m thinking about opening up the mansion to the whole team.”

Bucky’s surprised. He knows that Tony has been hyper aware since he got home. The rooms were made with individuals in mind and while that meant that it was perfect for them, it also meant that it was fortified to hold them, too. I hadn’t escaped his notice that if Tony wanted to, their rooms could be put on lockdown.

He’d let that one go, though. Tony was dealing with his stress and panic in his own way and so far it hadn’t caused any problems.

The point right now though is that he hadn’t expected Tony to be ready for the rest of the team yet. He hadn’t even opened up all the way to Bucky.

“Ok.” Bucky draws out. “Why?”

“I keep asking myself the same question, too.” Tony sighs and plays with some sort of cube. It’s multicolored but also seems to have raised dots on the tiles. He’s moving the pieces with ease.

“So why are you doing it? Shouldn’t you be sure?”

Tony does a few twists and turns with practiced flicks of his wrist and when all of the tiles match up he promptly messes it up again.

“I haven’t forgiven them all yet.” He half-whispers, almost to himself. “But I can’t keep the team apart. If we are going to be a team, if we’re going to help the world when it needs it, we need to be together. I can set aside my issues with them, with Steve, to do that.”

Bucky’s thrown. He hadn’t imagined this to happen for a good, long while. Tony’s grown. A part of him is convinced Tony is doing this just so he can have his eyes on everyone on the team. There’s another part of him thinks that maybe Tony has decided they can do better if they settle their differences. If they can make things right between themselves so that they can do their jobs.

Tony is really a hero in this moment.

“I talked to Natasha already.” Tony adds. “I told her that anyone who wants to come can pack their bags and I’d send a plane. I asked her specifically to come, though.”

That made sense, Bucky supposes, considering her apology.

“That sounds nice, Tony. I’m glad.”

Tony sneers then, for the barest of seconds, and then the expression is gone.

“I’m sure Steve is itching to see you.”

There it is, Bucky thinks. One of many insecurities and traumas Tony’s dealing with.

He sighs, “I’m not mad at Steve for the same reasons you are but that doesn’t mean he’s a Saint to me. He owes me an apology, too. And honestly, Tony, how he treats you is important to me.”

Tony frowns at that but says nothing.

“I am glad to know that you’re bringing the team over, though.” Bucky tries to keep the conversation going. “I’m sure they’d like to see you. Do you have any news on Dr. Banner?”

“He’s coming in for my surgery. He’s going to give a final look over my designs before they try implantation.”

Tony is trying to hide how hopeful he is but Bucky can see right through him. Bucky is just as hopeful. He wants Tony to have his eyes back. Mechanical or not, Tony would get to see again. Bucky would like to look in those eyes and pin Tony with a stare when he apologizes.

“I’m really happy for you, Tony.” Bucky says and he means it.

Tony smiles and it’s a little shaky, like he may fall apart if the wind blows his way, but it’s still a smile.

“I have something else to bring up and feel free to say no.” Tony takes in a breath. “Could you be there when I go under?”

Bucky is shocked at the request. He didn’t think Tony and himself were even close enough for Tony to consider something like this. Bucky knows about Tony’s threat assessment software. By all accounts, he should be asking Bucky to not be there at all.

“Pepper is going to be there.” Tony says like he can read Bucky’s mind. “I just. I don’t like the dark. I don’t like going to sleep.”

Bucky’s heart clenches and he feels so sick in that moment that he has to bunch his fist as hard as he can. His nails bite into his skin hard enough to center him. It makes sense. Tony was probably in and out of consciousness when he was left behind in Siberia. Each time he went under there was the overwhelming panic that it would be the last time he was ever awake.

“Yeah, Tony.” He says softly. “I’ll be there.”

-

Natasha had called in everyone to the common area. She’d already spoken with T’Challa and learned that they had a place here whenever they choose to visit. Tony included. He had commented that while this was good, that Tony was making some progress, he was worried for him. He entrusted Natasha with the mission to keep Tony safe. To make sure someone living there was looking out for him.

Natasha didn’t bother telling him that she had already decided that was her intent.

So they all sat there. The broken half of the team that had followed Steve after the Accords had been drawn up. She’s a little bitter, knowing that most of them had followed Steve blindly. There’s a price to pay when you’re considered an idol. Steve’s name as Captain America carried a lot of weight. It held the kind of responsibility that Steve had abused.

The good, bad, and the ugly aside, Steve was finally coming around. He had room to grow still. Everyone does. But maybe being with Tony, maybe with the team coming back together, they could start patching things up. She’d never had a family outside of her time with the Avengers. No family she could remember, anyway. She was willing to do whatever it took to have that family back. To pay back Tony.

So she tells them all, “Tony has opened the mansion up to everyone. You’re free to leave whenever you like. It’s not a prison. It’s a home.”

She had already talked extensively with Wanda about this. She recognizes that Tony was trying to help her last time. It had been misguided but he really had the best intentions. She agreed to come on the condition that she would be free to move as she pleased. And maybe get to speak with Tony. When they were both ready.

The rest of the team looks to Steve like they’re still taking orders and Natasha decides that it’s time to cut that shit out right now.

“This is your own decision. Not Steve’s. The plane has arrived and will leave at 0800. Make your choice.”

She catches Steve’s eyes and can see it plain as day on his face: relief.

She just hopes that Steve’s learned enough over the last several weeks that he won’t fuck this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm spoiling y'all with these daily updates lmao
> 
> Where's Vision in all this? How much longer until Rhodey gets his prosthesis? 
> 
> BTW this whole story is not beta read or reviewed sooooo ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	12. Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Tony talk. Emoting this much may figuratively kill Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place right where we left Bucky and Tony. On a couch.

“So.” Tony states after a long silence. “Since I’m already being gross and open with my feelings I feel like you should know that I have a sort of love/hate relationship with you over the years. At least with the idea of you.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow and settles into the couch, “You’re gonna have to elaborate on that.”

“Fine.” He takes a breath. “Ok, so, of course growing up I loved Captain America and you. Two best friends fighting together for the greater good? I ate that shit up. And of course my dad never stopped looking for Steve after he went into the ice.”

“And then you hated me?”

“I hate you both. At separate times.” He looks uncomfortable. “The first time I hated you wasn’t until recently when I found out that you,” he swallows and shifts uncomfortably, “that He killed my parents.”

“And Steve?”

“I hated him, or at least was severely hurt by him when I first met him.”

Bucky frowns, “I heard. Steve told me what he’d said. I wasn’t happy with him either.”

“Yeah. So, obviously that fixed itself over time. We became friends, in a way, and then I sort of fell back in love with him.” Tony clears his throat, “As a person.”

Tony doesn’t think for a second that was a good save and by Bucky’s silence, neither does he.

“But then the Accords happened and the whole keeping secrets from me thing and here we are.”

“Ok,” Bucky dragged out.

“It’s more complicated than that but we’re running out of Tony Fun Time real quick.”

Bucky nods, “So you hate Steve now. You hate me by association?”

“Ugh,” Tony groans, “It’s so much more complicated than that. Look. You’re…good. You’re not the same that you were, you’re different now, but you’re still _Bucky_ in that you’re the essence of him.”

“I’m really not.” Bucky tries.

“You really are.” Tony challenges. “You’re different. Changed. But you’re still trying so hard to be good. There’s problems, but everyone has them. Shit, I’ve got a fuckton of them. What you’ve done, though, is your best to counterbalance the bad. Straight out of oppressive brainwashing and into being James Barnes again and you’re already a fucking star.”

“You are just barely making sense here.”

“Christ.” Tony sighs and puts the heels of his hands gingerly to the bandages across his eyes. “Ok. I trust you enough to be in the room with me at my weakest point. I may not trust you all the way and I’m not saying there’s no countermeasures there either, it’s just,” a sigh, “for all you’ve done you have yet to lie to me.”

There it is.

“Is that why you don’t ‘love’ Steve anymore? He lied?”

“Well, not the only reason.” Tony huffs, gesturing to his eyes, “But yes. I guess. Honesty is important to me. In my life, it’s hard to find people who are honest. Everyone wants me for something. My money, the suit, my brain. And they’re all willing to do whatever they can, usually lie or try to kill me, to get those things. And Steve sort of did both.”

“For what it’s worth,” Bucky says softly, “I don’t think he meant to put you close to death.”

“Good or bad intentions aside, he did what he did and I’m having a hard time moving past it.”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky says and he realizes immediately that it’s not enough.

“I really don’t feel like it’s something you need to apologize for.” Tony sighs and his whole body seems to sag. “I’ve been tortured, dealt with a battery hooked to a magnet in my chest, poisoned, people have tried to murder me, a shit-ton has happened and I’m fucked up because of it.” He takes a deep breath. “But the worst thing that’s happened to me was this. Because I thought Steve was a friend. I thought he was my friend.”

It’s quiet for a long while and Bucky can see Tony visibly shaking with the effect of the conversation. With all he’s learned about Tony since he’s been here there’s still things he didn’t know anything about. Tortured? Attempted murder? He hadn’t heard about any of these things. He wasn’t sure whether or not Steve knew them either. He’d never said anything about them, anyway. Bucky isn’t sure what to say so he says the first thing that comes to mind.

“After your fight, Steve did go kind of crazy.” Bucky begins, softly. “He talked about you all the time. Sent that stupid phone. Wrote that awful letter. He wasn’t doing great but it was the best his punk ass could do, I guess.”

Tony is silent so Bucky carries on, “I learned a lot about you. The weirdest things. Like how you like your coffee, the bots you have in your workshop, how incredibly smart he thought you were. It was annoying for a half second before I realized he was doing it because you meant a lot to him.”

“He has a funny way of showing it.” Tony mumbles.

“I didn’t say that excused his behavior.” Bucky runs a hand over his face. “He has a lot of growing up to do and needs to think before he speaks. He’s always had a problem picking fights. Most of the time it was for good reason and was noble. Sometimes it was based on naiveté though.”

Tony huffs, “So what? That’s it? He’s naïve so he’s excused.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Bucky chastised. “I’m just giving you the perspective. You’re older than him, you’ve seen more shit, and you’ve experienced more than he has. He doesn’t get excused. But I want you to know that his reasoning isn’t because he wanted something from you. He was misguided, not deliberately betraying you.”

“Hmm.” Tony added, chewing his lips. “Ok.”

“So, all this aside, FRIDAY has informed me that there is a long list of movies that I have to see. You interested?”

“I am  _blind_.” Tony scoffs.

“You can hear. Besides, I have it on good authority that you talk through movies most of the time anyway.”

“You’ll get tired of it.” Tony grumbles but moves a little closer and settles in.

“I really won’t.” Bucky smiles.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am exhausted that was waaay too much emotional shit 
> 
> stay tuned for the next chapter where we get to hear from the rest of the team
> 
> aaaand this is my shameless self-advert for my wip Apocalypse! Fem!Tony, with eventual babies and Zombies. Weird.


	13. Wanda's Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda goes to Steve for advice. She learns something new.

“Should I go?” Wanda asks Steve.

She’s standing in his doorway, looking small and contemplative. In some weird way it feels almost like she’s his younger sister.

“To the mansion? Sure, why not?”

“Things between Stark and I haven’t ever actually been addressed.”

Steve turns to her then, “You mean the vision thing?”

“Among others. I’ve not been exactly kind.”

“Look,” Steve sighs, going back to packing, “I’ve done things much worse. I betrayed him. In a way that I’m sure is worse than yours.”

“You cannot compare slights, Captain. Besides, I don’t understand.” Wanda frowns. “Differing opinions between friends isn’t betrayal.”

Steve sighs and his hands still, packing put on pause, “It’s a long story.”

“I am quite found of long stories.” Wanda smiles, trying to lighten the mood. “You saw what I showed him, Captain. I’m not sure any of us are capable of doing something worse than what I’ve done.”

“Wanda,” Steve begins, “your power lets you see into the mind of others right? That’s why you can create the scenes you do.”

“Yes.” She answers though it sounds more like a question.

Steve turns to her and his arms fall to his sides, palms out, “So if I asked you to, if I wanted to show you, you could look into my mind and see what I’m talking about.”

“That is not something I like to do. It isn’t something I like to do to teammates. It’s an invasion of privacy.”

“I’m giving you permission.”

Wanda is silent but looks ready to bolt.

Steve tries again, “I want you to see this, Wanda. I want you to see.”

“I will do this for you, Captain.” She sighs. “But only because you’ve given your say-so.”

Steve nods, “It is ok. Just know that it may be…shocking, I suppose.”

Wanda quirks her head to the side and squints her eyes. It’s silent for a while and Steve’s room seems to get smaller by the minute. He figures that it would be easiest to just show her. So that she knows everything by more than his own personal bias. He braces himself.

She steps into the room and brings up a hand, already glowing red, “It will be easiest for me if you focus on the events themselves.”

Steve nods.

No matter what he could do he couldn’t prepare for the feeling of more than just himself in his own head. It’s not uncomfortable per se, just strange.

So he thinks. He tries to focus on it all: the fight in Siberia and how it started, carrying Bucky off, the talk with Rhodey, finding Tony barely alive, and the fight with Bucky. He tries to show it all. He can feel her in there, no emotion from her end, just an entity going over every bit of information. He can almost feel her recoil at the sight of Tony, though.

She pulls out of his head, quicker than he thinks she means to. They’re both shaking when he opens his eyes.

“You almost killed him.” She whispers, turning from him for a moment before eyeing him and backing back up to the door. “You left him there.”

“Yeah.” And it is all he can say.

“I felt him when you brought him back. Barely hanging on to life.” She clenches her fist and can’t seem to meet Steve’s eyes. “I thought he’d…,” her face looks pinched. “I don’t know what I thought. But it wasn’t this.”

“This is what I meant.” Steve tries. “This was worse. Still is worse.”

She stands to her full height and finally looks Steve in the eyes, “You still can’t compare slights. Keeping that secret from him was a slight. But leaving him there, leaving him to die, that is no slight. _That_ is worse.”

Steve is the first one to look away.

“I will be going.” Wanda says, firm. “I have my own things to apologize for. Stark and I need to have a conversation. But,” she clicks her tongue, “you have so much more to do. A conversation and an apology will not fix what you have done. And I don’t know what will.”

She turns and Steve does the same, eyes stinging as he begins packing again. He knows, intuitively that she hasn’t fully left yet. Her back is to him, glowing eyes shut tightly and fists clenched so hard she’s leaving half-moon marks in her palms.

“You have disappointed me, Captain.” She takes a shaky breath, “We were a team, a unit, and still may yet be. But your betrayal, while in large was against Stark, is against us all. How do we know we can trust you after this? To know that you would forget us all for one.”

Steve has finished packing and is standing still, looking at her back and wishing that he could’ve changed it all.

She turns her head slightly, “You have much to prove, Rogers.”

It is then that she leaves, a power to be reckoned with, towards her room to get ready.

And Steve does his best to gather himself up. Bag in hand he makes his way through the labyrinth of hallways to find the exit to the private plane airstrip. He’s up the stairs and in a seat before he realizes something.

Wanda has forgone calling him ‘Captain’ to referring to him by last name only.

He _does_ have a lot to prove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda short I know but I'm leaving for Indiana in like less than an hour and !!!!!
> 
> helpin a friend move.
> 
> Check out my story: Apocalypse! It will be updated when I get back tomorrow sometime.


	14. Tony's Surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is getting his surgery before the team shows up. Feelings are involved.

Dr. Banner is by all accounts a nondescript man.

Bucky supposes that’s the kind of person you need to be if you’re going to disappear. But for how average he is, the stare he pins Bucky with, that green tint to his eyes, has goosebumps on his arms. Banner just nods at him and it’s like he’s been assessed, warned, and accepted all at once.

Tony’s surgery is today. The plans have been looked-over and approved. Tony is practically vibrating with a cocktail of excitement and anxiety. Pepper has been here since before Bucky woke up and she’s his rock; nothing but surety, calm, and a cool balm to the room. She has a gift.

Bucky is glad to see that it’s happening. A part of him knows, though, that Tony wanted this done before the team arrived. He doesn’t want to show this weakness.

“Do you wanna see them?” Tony asks, legs swinging off the edge of the table.

Bucky considers it and risks laying a hand over Tony’s, “I’d like to wait and see ‘em when you can see me.”

From the moment Bucky’s hand landed on Tony’s the man had stilled. He hadn’t pulled away and seemed to be more surprised than upset. Pepper is close by, eyeing him like a hawk, but otherwise silent.

Tony’s hand is warm and he can feel his tendons twitch against his palm. Tony breathes in deep and exhales through his nose. He raises his head and offers up a shaky smile and turns his hand over to grab onto Bucky’s. He can feel the callouses and roughness of them and can’t keep himself from noticing that they’re smaller than his own. It feels like he was meant to do this, to hold his hand.

“Ok.” Tony agrees, and squeezes Bucky’s hand. “Ok.”

“You’ll be ok, Tony.” Bucky brushes his thumb over Tony’s wrist comfortingly. “We’re all here and when you wake up you’ll get to see us all.”

“When I wake up.” Tony parrots.

Bucky resists the urge to pull him into a hug, “You’ll see me.”

“Ok, Tony.” Banner interrupts. “We’re ready.”

Bucky gives him another squeeze before he pulls away. It’s then that Thelma and Louise enter the room.

“Countermeasures.” Pepper explains.

-

 After Pepper gives her love to Tony they’re moved to the observation room while Banner oversees the surgeon who’s working on Tony. Banner holds Tony’s hand while he’s put under and then they get to work.

“FRIDAY keeps me up to date on a lot of things.” Pepper states. “Thelma and Louise fill in gaps.”

Bucky’s not sure what to say so he stays silent. She isn’t looking at him, hasn’t moved her eyes from Tony, and still manages to look imposing.

“I don’t let others tell me what to think. And I try not to make presumptions before meeting the person in question.” She taps her heel and sucks her teeth for a moment. “But when I learned about Tony. When he almost died because of you. Because of Steve. I hated you in that moment.”

It doesn’t seem like this is a conversation but more of her letting him know.

“Since then, I have made it my point to learn more about you. Under or over estimating people isn’t smart.” She finally turns to him then. “But then I learn about the pictures, the talks, and that somehow,” she laughs, “FRIDAY likes you. Thelma and Louise like you. And Tony has trusted you enough to talk about his _feelings_.”

“I’ve gathered he doesn’t do that often.”

She barks out a laugh and turns back to look down at the progress, “No. We were together for years and it’s always been a pill.” She sighs, “But I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I’m still watching you, Barnes. Closely. But you’re good for him. And with the team coming back, _with Rogers coming back,_ he’s going to need someone close to him. And I can’t do that right now.”

It’s not approval necessarily but it is acceptance and Bucky will take what he will get.

“He mentioned something,” Bucky looks down at Tony, “about being tortured. Attempted murder. Things like that.” He chances a look at Pepper. “Could you give me some more information on it?”

She’s quiet for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek before sighing, “I’ll have FRIDAY send you access. If he’s mentioned it I don’t mind letting you see.”

Bucky nods and focuses in one Tony again.

It’s silent for a long while before Pepper says something, almost a whisper, “I love him, Barnes. So when I say this, keep that in mind. He will try your patience, he will practically drive himself into the ground, and he’ll forget what day it is, your birthday, and your anniversary.” She laughs and there isn’t any bitterness to it. “I see the way you look at him. And I’m ok with it. But at the first sign of trouble, if you hurt him, I will kill you.”

Bucky, surprised, doesn’t look at her.

“I let you live once. I won’t do it again.”

He believes her.

-

Tony comes to and he’s so thankful he’s close to thanking god. He feels sluggish but great. Whatever they have him on is amazing.

There’s rustling, a door opening and closing, and there’s people on either side of him holding his hands. He revels in in for a moment. He can tell one is Pepper, her hand thin but firm, and he smells that perfume again.

He can tell the other’s is Bucky’s. Warm and heavy, calloused but perfect, thumb working back and forth as it rubs soothing circles. He’s more thankful than he’s been in a while.

“Try opening your eyes, Tony.” Bruce says, calm.

It takes a minute. He’s been in the dark for what seems like ever and it’s almost as if he has to remember how to work his eyes at all.

But he does.

“You need to brace yourself.” Bruce goes on. “It’s been a while and we don’t want any sensory overload.”

“I don’t care.” Tony manages and open his eyes as wide as he can.

It’s bright, almost searing, and he has to blink several times to get past it. He sees Bruce first at the end of the bed. Bruce is giving him a fond smile, glasses crooked and clipboard in hand. Next is Pepper, eyes blue as ever and tears gathering at the corners. He offers her a small smile before looking to James.

Bucky looks so different. So much more real and solid than before. He’s cleaned himself up, hair pulled back into a bun, clean shaven, eyes bright and just _grounding_. Bucky is looking into his eyes with an intensity that would be uncomfortable if he wasn’t just as focused memorizing the lines of Bucky’s face when he’s like this. When he’s himself.

“Can you see me?” Bucky says, mouth quirking into a smile.

“Yeah.” Tony breathes.

“Good.” Bucky sits next to Tony, keeping a grip on his hand, and leans forward. “I am so, so sorry, Tony.” He doesn’t stop looking into his eyes. “That isn’t enough, I know. And I will always be sorry for what I’ve done. I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to prove that to you. I promise that I will do my best to keep you safe.”

He smiles and Tony’s heart twists with something and he’s not going to admit with what it is.

“You’re important to me, Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. It's been weird and I'm tired and almost didn't write at all. I hope you like it, though!


	15. Bucky and Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns everything about Tony's past and decides to let Tony hear what he has to say.
> 
> Tony is amazing and Bucky's brain just about short-circuits.

It was a bit of sensory overload, the last few hours before the plane would touch down, before the team would meet him at the mansion. Natasha had been sure to tell him who he could expect. Wanda, Steve, herself, and Clint later after he had time to check in with his family. The Ant Man – lame name – would be returning later as well. Whatever. He wasn’t even sure who he was.

It was so good to see again. It was strange, though, to see through his new eyes. Purposely programmed to give him displays when he asked for them. There was no mechanical noise that he could hear but he did have to stay on top of the constant lubrication of them. The frostbite had damaged his eyes in a lot of ways. He couldn’t cry anymore either.

Tony counted that as a win.

Pepper had stayed for a little bit before leaving once again for their offices in the city. Stark Industries was going through quite a lot of PR issues since the team’s fight at the terminal and everything before surrounding Bucky and the fake Winter Soldier framing. Tony had done his best, and with Pepper and Rhodey’s help he had managed to clear Bucky.

Wanda too.

It should be known that when waging wars there is never a situation in which casualties won’t occur. It’s the unfortunate side effect of warfare. There’s always an innocent caught in the crossfire.

Tony can still hear that woman’s voice echoing in his head. Her son, dead, weighs on his mind a lot. You can’t bring the living back but you can do your best to correct what you’ve done. He realizes in that moment that he has a lot to be held accountable for. Since he shut down SI as a weapons manufacturer he’s been doing his best to be responsible.

There’s always innocents that fall through the cracks.

He supposes in that way he’s similar to Steve. He’s tried his best and in doing so, in trying to create something to save people, he’s still managed to damage lives. Everyone does something wrong no matter how hard they try. Intentions, no matter how good they may be, can still pave the road to hell.

Pepper’s tried telling him that he has a problem with not seeing the forest for the trees. His mind becomes so singular that it’s always a challenge to imagine the entire situation. So that’s what he’d done when the Accords had been brought up. He had tried his best to look at the Accords through the correct eyepiece. The big picture.

And that Big Picture is the best they can manage. For now.

Tony has had a hard time doing more than focusing on these issues since he woke up with his sight back. His team was returning and he needed to go over every piece of information again. He needed to know exactly what he was dealing with in hopes that they could have a conversation about it. A good, old-fashioned sit-down where they could just _talk_ instead of fight.

Just no more fighting.

So he’s left, for now, with Bucky again. Bruce has to leave temporarily for some sort of business he left. He supposes it is probably best to have as few variables at home for when more return. The whole thing is one big game of chess and each piece needs to move, or be saved, for the right moment.

Natasha’s apology aside he’s still apprehensive and he supposes it’s mostly unfair. Tony can tell he still has his hackles up but he can’t seem to give himself a reason to lower them. The hope is that everything will go well. The reality, however, could be different. There’s a high probability for things to go wrong.

Bucky is here, though, and Tony has to keep reminding himself. They’ve been doing well together. He’s managed to talk to him about his feelings – which while healthy was difficult – and he trusts him. Or at least trusts him as much as he can.

Tony can’t help but worry that the moment Steve steps into the mansion Bucky will take his side.

So he sits there, in his room on the edge of his bed with the light still on, and broods. Even with his eyesight back he takes stock of the things around him and catalogs it all in his brain for easy access. Because no matter what from now on he will always be on his toes.

Call it paranoia. Call it being realistic. Whatever it is, Tony’s using it to keep himself alive.

God, he needs to do something.

-

Bucky is in his own room.

He’d decided to spend the time waiting for the team to show up to go over the wealth of information Pepper had opened his access to.

Each new piece of it has him reeling. So many things Tony’s gone through, so much of the torture, fills in the gaps of the picture of Tony Stark. He’s almost positive that Steve knows close to nothing about these instances. He watches scenes, reads accounts written by Tony himself, reads the medical records of everything that’s happened.

And he finds himself overwhelmed.

He knows, in some dark and packed-away part of his brain, of the things that happened to himself. There’s flashes sometimes of his arm, or the chair, even being frozen over and over again. Bucky knows that at some point he’ll need to talk about them, too. Because keeping them to himself isn’t healthy. And because he doesn’t know if he can shoulder the burden by himself either.

Tony has the same issue, from what Bucky can tell.

Sure, he’d managed to come clean about the problems but all he’d heard was barely the tip of the iceberg. Tony needed to talk about what happened in the cave. He needed to work through what Stane did to him. They needed to sit down and really go over Siberia.

Because no matter how much Bucky’s mistake may make him cringe, no matter how much Steve feels bad for his actions, what they did together to Tony in that cold landscape needed to be the focus.

They couldn’t even begin to try to repair the team and make them a family again with these issues simmering under the surface. Nothing would last if they couldn’t open up and take responsibility.

When he’s done watching the footage and reading the accounts Bucky is furious. Tony has tried so hard, it seems, since his kidnapping and the incidents of the cave to be a good person. To be better. And at every turn he’s been betrayed, hurt, and put on the brink of death.

He realizes it then, what Tony said about valuing honesty rings true. At every twist and turn he’s been manipulated in some way. And because of the type of person Tony is – so open and trusting, so giving and free – he’s been taken advantage of. Whether Steve meant to or not, whether he knew or didn’t, he’d taken Tony’s generosity and just used it with no thought but for his own gain.

So Bucky leaves his room in search of Tony. He has some things he wants straightened out between the two of them.

-

It’s T-minus five hours before the plane touches down and Tony finds himself in the kitchen getting dinner underway for the team. He’s nervous, hands shaking and depth perception just difficult enough to get used to that there’s a longer adjustment period than he thought.

Homemade creamy steak and potatoes. A crockpot recipe from Thelma. He’d had it at least once each time his mother and himself had come to stay here. It made him feel at home each time it was made. He could remember his mother wearing an old, tattered apron and standing next to Thelma as they chattered away about the chickens in the back yard or the cute new stable boy.

Looking back, Tony realizes that Thelma and Louise were two of his mother’s closest friends. They’re implicitly trusted and so incredibly kind. Probably the realest friends his mother ever had.

Bucky materializes by him as he’s cutting potatoes. Tony’s hearing had picked up on his stilted footsteps as they’d hit the marble floor but was surprised nevertheless to see him.

“I thought you were going to try and get some sleep before the team showed up.”

Tony takes a moment to look up at him through his lashes, still not getting enough of the clean, sharp lines of his face. He’s a little surprised to see how determined Bucky looks. Almost like he’s on a mission.

“I’ve been looking for you.” He admits, smile in his voice, “FRIDAY had to tell me where you were.”

“Well, you’ve found me. Great timing, by the way, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Tony sets down the knife and puts both hands on the counter. He looks right into Bucky’s eyes, still so happy to have his sight back, and smiles at him. “Now, I won’t be able to fully flesh out the design until I know for sure that Rhodey’s prosthesis works, but I’ve been working on a design for a new arm for you!”

He looks so happy about it that it almost kills Bucky to say, “No.”

Tony shakes his head, confused, “I’m sorry, did you say ‘no’?”

Bucky nods and grabs Tony’s hand and ignores the spark of something in his belly when he does. He makes sure to look into Tony’s eyes and project his emotions as clearly as possible.

“You don’t have to keep doing things for me, Tony. You’ve given me a place to live, you’ve managed to get crimes I committed as the Winter Soldier absolved, and you’ve done so much for me. You don’t need to give me anything else.”

Tony looks at him funny but doesn’t take his hand away, “But I want to?”

Bucky is thrown by that.

“Why?”

“Why?” Tony laughs and pulls his hand away then, but only so he can resume cutting up potatoes, “Because you need it and I can do it.”

“But-“ Bucky starts.

“But nothing.” Tony interrupts. “If you really don’t want it, I get it, and I won’t force it on you. But I want to do this for you. Your gait is all fucked up from years of over-compensating for the weight of your old arm and now with it gone it’s completely reversed. You’re probably in pain, right?”

“Yeah.” Bucky admits.

“Then why won’t you let me help you?”

Tony looks so completely, god, Bucky can’t describe it but he’s shocked by how hard he has to keep himself from blurting that he loves Tony. The pull to kiss him is just as strong.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you. I’m not here for your things, Tony. I stayed for the team. I stayed for _you_.”

Tony’s hands still for a moment and when he looks up at Bucky it’s through the fringe of dark, long lashes and Bucky wants to groan in frustration on how handsome Tony is.

“I told you before,” Tony smiles and then resumes his work, “you’ve not lied to me. I trust you. Maybe not fully but it’s there. I want to do this for you because I do these things for people I care about. You’re important to me, too, James.”

That’s the moment Bucky falls in love with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WhaBAM! I love Tony. So much. 
> 
> Sorry we haven't seen the team yet, but that is in the next chapter. I just wanted more Tony/Bucky bonding.


	16. The Team Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Tony/Bucky bonding. The team returns and then Tony runs out of spoons.

They’re sitting on the couch waiting and the food is done, simmering on low heat, and it may not the same as it was when he was little but it has the Thelma stamp of approval on it. Either way it smells delicious and he’s proud to have made dinner for his team. Even if he’s shaking with nerves.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Bucky begins, looking into Tony’s eyes, “would it be ok if the team knew about your past. You know – like the cave and stuff? I think they should know but I won’t tell if you’d rather keep that to yourself.”

Tony considers him for a moment and it’s like Bucky can see the gears turning, “Yeah, I guess. But I don’t like pity.”

“I know.” Bucky smiles. “Never pity, Tony, just…understanding.”

Tony nods and plays with a loose thread on the couch. He’s chewing his lip in that way he does when he’s nervous and wants to bring something up but can’t quite manage to. It’s almost painfully cute and Bucky feels that pull again, the pull to just wrap Tony up and not let him go. God, he is just ruined. Tony had his heart and probably didn’t know it.

“Are you always this intense when you talk?” Tony breaks his revive.

“What do you mean?”

Tony huffs and gestures to Bucky’s face, “Eye contact is one thing. Normal and usually means honesty. But you stare at me like there’s something on my face. I keep having to check and make sure nothing’s there.”

Bucky smiles big and genuine, “I just like looking at your eyes. You’re an expressive person, Tony, and I love your eye color.”

Tony will deny that he blushed. He looks away from Bucky but can’t help but look back. Bucky’s face is so open and honest that it’s hard to not look. He can’t believe that he’s falling for this old Brooklynn Boy who's managed to worm his way into his heart over the last couple of weeks.

“They’re brown.” Is all he manages to say.

“Yeah, that’s the simple way of putting it.” Bucky laughs and Tony’s heart constricts, he loves that sound. “You have a ring of green in your eyes and these little flecks of gold. They’re beautiful.”

Tony can’t remember a time he was ever called beautiful.

“They’re a prosthesis.” Tony tries, trying to find a hole in Bucky’s admiration.

All he does is shrug, “They’re still yours.”

Tony isn’t sure what to say to that.

Luckily, they’re conversation is cut off by FRIDAY, “Sir, your guests have arrived.”

For all he’s done Tony finds himself rooted to the spot rather than excited and making his way to the front door. He’s frozen, suddenly terrified and completely unsure of what to do. He thought that seeing them would be easy. They all had been so close that he did miss them. But the idea of seeing any of them, particularly Steve, had his heart racing.

“Tony?” Bucky asks, concerned.

And now he’s in front of Tony, standing straight and looking for all he is like he’d fight anything and everything if it meant that Tony would be ok. He has his hand out, palm up, and Tony takes it without any hesitation at all.

“Tony.” Bucky says again, squeezing his hand. “You don’t have to be there to greet them. You can go and I’ll make sure they’re settled in.”

Tony really considers it for a moment. It’s like he can feel his blood pulsing through his veins. There’s a slight ringing in one ear and his internal temperature has spiked up a few degrees. He does his best to take some calming breaths and uses Bucky’s hand to center himself.

“No. It’s ok. I can do this.” He smiles weakly, “Maybe not for long but I can do this.”

Bucky pulls him off the couch then. He’s smiling brightly at Tony and trying to project as much calm as possible.

“I’m here for you if you need me.” Bucky hasn’t yet let go of his hand and Tony definitely doesn’t mind.

“I know.” Tony says, smiling. “I can do this.”

Bucky leads him to the foyer, “I know you can do it. You can do anything, Tony.”

Tony’s not sure if that’s true.

They’ve made it to the door, waiting for their team members to be guided through by Thelma. It’s only been a minute or two but it feels like a good hour. Tony’s starting to wonder when Bucky will let his hand go. He doesn’t really see him holding it when Steve walks in. And if he were to be honest with himself he’d thought Bucky and Steve had a thing before.

“Not that I’m not enjoying it, but are you going to let go of my hand?”

Bucky shrugs and rubs his thumb across Tony’s wrist, “I’ll stop holding your hand whenever you want me to.”

That seems unfair to Tony because he definitely wants it but he doesn’t know if he wants anyone else to see it. The doors start to open and Tony drops Bucky’s hand. He misses the warmth immediately.

“I think I can only handle that when it’s just us right now.” Tony whispers.

Bucky beams at him and winks, “Sounds good to me.”

The team starts filing in.

-

Natasha made sure the team knew that she was the first person who would walk through the doors.

Out of the three of them, Natasha is the only one who has apologized to Tony. At least in a way that was more than just a verbal apology. She can see the surprise across Tony’s face at the sight of her short cropped hair. Like he hadn’t quite prepared himself.

Hugging wasn’t something that Natasha did. Not because she didn’t enjoy physical affection but because it gave the opportunity to be compromised. To be killed. As a spy, being caught in physical affection, even with honeypot marks, was dangerous. Contrary to what many may say, honeypot missions were just as dangerous.

Everything aside, she opens her arms slowly as she approaches Tony with her palms out.

If possible, he looked more surprised but copied her movements. She saw Bucky tense next to Tony, and made sure to look as genuine as she could. She’d worn short sleeves and left all her knives in her pants.

They embraced and it was awkward. At least at first.

“Relax, Tony, I’m just hugging you.”

He did relax then. Returning the hug with a brief but tight squeeze and she pulled away, taking two steps back.

“Thank you for opening your home once again to us, Tony.” She bowed her head slightly. “As beautiful as Wakanda is, and as generous as their king is, it is still better to be home again.”

And it did feel like home.

-

Bucky was shocked, to say the least, at Natasha’s open show of physical affection. The hug had looked to be one between good friends. Her hair cut was still shocking as well, even though he’d seen the remnants in the box she’d sent. She looked to be a person hell-bent on proving something. If he had to guess, it would be her sorrow for what she’d done and her need to apologize for it.

She was followed by Wanda who stood several feet from Tony but did nod her head and offer a small smile to him.

“I offer my thanks as well, Stark. It is good for our team to be together.”

Tony is silent but nods in assent that he’d heard her.

Bucky braces himself for the final guest. Steve. He had no idea how this was going to play out and could feel Tony still at his side, muscles going taut with anxiety and panic. Since he couldn’t help Tony through this with physical touch he decides to take a half-step up and over to place himself almost completely between himself and the door. A little spark travels up his spine when he feels Tony’s hand against his back, bunching the fabric of his shirt in his hand.

Steve enters and by all accounts looks like shit.

As servants work behind him to carry their things in and to their respective rooms the three new guests stand, and besides Natasha, awkwardly. Bucky rolls his eyes and clears his throat.

“Tony’s made dinner. I know the flight is long, so we figured you guys could use a nice meal and a good sleep before we really talk.”

Wanda’s shoulders seem to sag in relief. Steve’s eyes are trying in vain to really get a good look at Tony. Natasha offers up a smile.

“Food sounds great.” She looks to Tony, “What’s on the menu?”

“Creamy steak and potatoes.” He manages.

Natasha hums, happy, “I’m always a sucker for comfort food.”

Tony smiles at that and the hand clutching Bucky’s shirt relaxes a little.

“It’s Thelma’s recipe.” Tony says, gesturing to the servant. “She’s my favorite cook.”

Bucky steps to the side then, forcing Tony into the same position as he waves a hand towards the kitchen.

“Let’s make our way to the dining room, then. Louise will lead the way.”

Natasha and Wanda make their way past them and both give Tony a soft smile before they disappear into the hallway.

Steve’s still there though, far enough away from Bucky and Tony that it’s not oppressive but he’s still stationary. Bucky raises an eyebrow at Steve, asking with his expression what he thinks he’s doing. It’s met with a small shrug of large shoulders and the pulling together of his eyebrows.

“Tony,” He tries.

Bucky cuts him off, “Like I said, dinner and sleep. Then talk.”

Steve’s shoulders sag and he looks to Bucky like those puppy-dog eyes will change his mind. When Bucky remains silent, he turns and walks through the hallway, barely staying on the tail of the first group.

When he disappears Tony seems to deflate.

“That’s all I got, James.” Tony laughs and it sounds a little hollow. “I’m outta gas.”

Bucky turns and pulls him into a hug, resting his chin on top of Tony’s head. He just holds him for a moment, proud for what Tony’s managed and glad that the homecoming went as well as it did. It’s not the same, hugging with only one arm, but Tony makes up for it with how tight he’s holding on.

“That’s ok.” Buck murmurs, breath puffing the dark strands of Tony’s hair. “You did good.”

“I don’t think I can handle dinner though.” Tony says, voice muffled by Bucky’s chest.

Bucky shrugs, still not letting go, “You don’t have to. I’m sure Thelma wouldn’t mind bringing some up to your room.”

Tony sighs and laughs, “That sounds good.”

He gives one more squeeze before letting go. Tony’s eyes don’t look watery. He can’t cry anymore. But his face is a little blotchy. Bucky resists the urge to kiss him then.

“I did want to ask,” Bucky adds, sliding his hand down Tony’s shoulder to grab his hand, “if you were still comfortable with me telling them about your past.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to make sure.” Bucky shrugs, “I don’t have to. It’s totally up to you.”

Tony considers him for a long moment, mechanical eyes zeroing in on Bucky’s like he’s looking for something.

“Yeah, do whatever you think needs to be done.” He finally says.

 “No matter what I think, especially with you, I will always ask first.”

Tony looks so happy in that moment that Bucky’s heart just about gives out. So instead he clears his throat and gives Tony’s hands a final squeeze.

“Go ahead and head up to your room. If you’re ok with it, I’ll come up and share the latest gossip with you.”

Tony smiles, “Please do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's going slow but it's just so emotionally driven that I can't skip these parts or lessen them soooo sorry not sorry.
> 
> hope you like it! We'll see Bucky's talk with the team over dinner in the next chapter. 
> 
> Creamy steak and potatoes is like one of my faves and can be done in a crock-pot. Delicious.


	17. What the Team Didn't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky talks about Tony, shows the team the nitty gritty, and then meets Tony after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Descriptions of Child Abuse and Spousal Abuse***  
> Begins with: "So her brain files it all" and ends with "“Howard did this?” "
> 
> It's not long or incredibly detailed but does list injuries.

When Bucky enters the kitchen the team is sitting around a table and Louise is serving dinner.

The team looks tired and Bucky is sympathetic. He imagines that since Natasha’s apology, the cutting of her hair, she’s had the time to speak with the group before the plane even arrived to bring them home. Long plane ride or no, the team still needs to hear what he has to say. So he sits down and clears his throat.

“Tony’s going to miss dinner.” He gives them all a small smile. “He’s been through a lot since he got home and gets tired quickly.”

Natasha eyes him but it’s Wanda that speaks up, “What do you mean?”

“Even before what happened in Siberia, he’s been through enough that his body and mind just can’t take much anymore.” He uses his fork and knife to cut into the steak and stabs a piece with a potato. “He’s given me the all-clear to talk about this stuff with you.”

Bucky takes a bite and looks around the table. Everyone seems to have dug in to their meal at least a little. Steve looks haggard but attentive. Bucky steels himself for their talk.

“I thought that this was supposed to be something we discussed after everyone got some sleep.” Natasha says, curious.

Bucky nods, “We have a lot to go over after you all sleep. But this is something I think you all should know beforehand.”

He gestures and FRIDAY brings up a decently sized holographic display.

“I’m giving you all a crash course on Tony.”

-

Natasha has seen a fair amount of the files on Tony. She’s a spy, it’s what she was originally sent in to do. Reconnaissance and Evaluation.

So she expects to see pretty much what she’d already looked through. Rhodey’s report on his rescue of Tony in Afghanistan. Palladium poisoning reports. Things of the like. What she wasn’t prepared for is Bucky starting with a slideshow of doctor’s reports.

“I’m starting a little early on here and I’ll do my best to keep it short but it’s important nevertheless.” Bucky and FRIDAY work in tandem to bring up pieces of three different pieces of paperwork at once. “If you’ll look closely here, here, and here you’ll see the cataloging the Stark’s personal doctor has done of injuries Tony sustained from infancy forward.”

Natasha’s eyes pull in information faster than most. She’s an expert in her field when it comes to filtering information so she can analyze the important and leave the rest. So her brain files it all; broken legs multiple times, arms and once a wrist, even a fractured orbital socket in one occasion. Bruises to put any to shame, reports of damaged kidneys and a liver.

“Maria wasn’t without abuse, either. Through most of these reports you can see her sustaining injuries equal to or greater than Tony’s. They were both abused.” Bucky’s voice is tight and he sounds furious. “Maria’s reports continue after Tony leaves for school but lessen in frequency.”

“Howard did this?” Steve manages, confused and almost unbelieving.

Bucky nods.

Natasha can’t believe that she missed these reports. She supposes, though, that they’re buried deep within SI’s filing system. Things she’d never have found. She feels kindred to Tony in that moment. Both of them have suffered so much abuse. His personality, his actions, pre and post of the Cave make sense now. Suddenly, like a curtain has been lifted, she understands Tony a little bit better.

She looks then, around the table and catches a surprised and uneasy look from Wanda and something dark and thunderous from Steve.

Natasha figures Steve is getting it now. But in her opinion, regardless of his background, Tony still deserves an apology. Bucky is using this as a tool to show what Tony’s been through and help them understand him as a person.

She knows what people are capable of. And Howard was definitely a piece of shit. But no matter how many times she experiences, witnesses, or learns about abuse it still makes her stomach turn.

-

Wanda already feels sick to her stomach and knows that there’s more to see.

She’d never experienced familial abuse. Her family, while poor and struggling, had always been supportive and kind. She can’t imagine what it may have been like to have your own father inflict pain on you. It’s almost too much to bear.

“This show is mostly for Steve, who knew Howard personally,” Bucky says softly.

“I don’t understand.” Steve whispers. “The Howard I knew wasn’t like this.”

Wanda purses her lips for a moment before clearing her throat, “People change and not always for the good. The fact is, the one that we have proof of, that he became a monster in his own right.”

Bucky nods in assent.

“The next thing I’m going to show you are the collection of torture videos during Tony’s time in Afghanistan.”

And so he does. Wanda isn’t sure how much more she can stand to read, to watch. Each thing that comes across the screen makes her feel like she’s experiencing it himself. Waterboarding, vicious beatings, brutal interrogations. The whole time being hooked up to a battery that’s feeding into a magnet that sits in the center of his chest. It causes Tony obvious pain.

Then it’s a video, translated into English, in which Tony’s captors accuse someone called Stane for not informing them that their intended target was the ‘great Tony Stark’.

“Obadiah Stane was a friend of Howard’s. Very much an uncle to Tony as he was growing up. But he tried to betray Tony here. Luckily, they were more interested in using Tony’s brains than they were killing him.” Bucky sneers. “They tried to force him to make another missile. This is the first time that Tony learns his weapons aren’t being used for good. So he builds his arc reactor and builds the first Iron Man.”

“He still was a part of an empire of death.” Wanda interjects.

Bucky looks at her and snaps, “If you want to condemn a man who was brought up to do what he’s told, who is trained essentially from birth, to make weapons be my guest. But keep in mind that the moment Tony learned the truth and saw the bigger picture he made the move to stop production all-together.”

“So he’s forgiven, then?” Wanda asks, only half as furious as she had been.

“You and only you get to decide when he’s forgiven for the death of your family.” Bucky looked back to the screen, “But maybe you should decide if it’s Tony you should be upset with or the people who used the weapons.”

Wanda sinks into her seat and plays with the remainder of her food.

-

Steve’s stomach is unsettled and he hasn’t been able to eat anything else since Bucky brought up the screen and started in on Tony’s life. He feels so incredibly sick that he’s close to throwing up. Things he’s said and thoughts he’s had about Tony come rushing back, mocking him. He’s assumed so much since he first met Tony that Steve wonders how he missed it all. Why was he always so ready to think the worst of him?

Maybe it was because he was afraid to admit or even recognize his own faults.

“The next and last thing I will show, for now anyway, is the final betrayal by Stane.”

 Steve watches security fottage of Stane walking through Tony’s old mansion. His heart rate picks up the closer the old man gets to Tony. He brings out a device that immobilizes Tony and then he _takes out the arc reactor._

In that moment Steve feels a jolt of fear race up his spine. Even though he knows Tony survives his heart still drops when Stane leaves and Tony is left to die. He can see Natasha and Wanda tense as they watch, Wanda’s eyes glistening, as Tony manages to pull himself into the workshop. Managing to get his reactor in time.

“I’m not trying to sway any of you any way but this all is just to detail the reasons why Tony does some of the things he does.”

“I didn’t know.” Is all Steve can say and Bucky just smiles softly at him.

“I know you didn’t.” He sighs. “That doesn’t excuse the way he’s been treated, though. Abuse, torture, and betrayal aside, Tony is still a person and as a person deserves to be treated as such.”

It’s silent for what feels like an hour and Steve tries to process everything. It all comes as a shock, if he were to be honest. Tony never once made any of this obvious. Steve can’t remember a single moment where he’d questioned whether or not his teammate was ok. Or perhaps Steve hadn’t bothered to look. He hadn’t bothered to pay attention. Steve realizes then that he’d been so caught up in himself and then Bucky that he’d ignored his teammate.

He’d ignored his whole team. His _family_.

Steve needed to fix that, definetly. Hopefully with the help of his friends.

-

After all is said and done and the team finishes their dinner, Bucky makes sure everyone makes it to bed before he heads up to Tony’s room.

His hand is poised over the doorknob, ready to enter, but instead he knocks. He is giving Tony every chance he can to be the decider in the relationship. Bucky’s made his choice. He wants Tony in every conceivable way. And it’s relieving to have made that choice all on his own. As the person he is now.

But with his decision made, he wants Tony to have every opportunity to make his own.

With his knock, he can hear a loud thump, a yelp, and rustling. It’s almost a minute of cursing before the door opens and Tony opens the door. His hair is toustled in the cutest of ways, bright brown eyes blinking at Bucky in the dark of the hallway, robe barely kept together by a steadily loosening tie. Pajamas bunched underneath.

Bucky’s mind leaves him and in that moment all he can say is the first thing on his mind.

“Can I kiss you?”

Tony laughs and pulls him inside. His smile against Bucky’s lips is one of the best things he’s ever felt and he may or may not have pulled Tony a little closer, a little tighter, and smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D'aaawww
> 
> More of the team will be brought in. So hold yer horses and gear up for Rhodey's fix, Bucky's blueprints, and Steve and Bucky's talk.


	18. A Question and an Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey gets his legs and talks with Tony. 
> 
> Tony asks a question and Bucky answers.

Rhodey wasn’t surprised that Tony had found a way to make him walk again. If Tony could do anything, it was invent. And now, sitting in Tony’s workshop, wheelchair left for a table, he couldn’t help but be exited.

“Tony, I can’t begin to explain how happy I am right now.”

Tony ducks his head, “It may not work. I just want to prepare you for that.”

“You and I both know that’s bullshit.” Rhodey laughs. “When have you ever made something that doesn’t work?”

Tony smiles and gestures behind him, “DUM-E? That toaster I tried to fix? Ringing any bells?”

“DUM-E works, just not the way you want him to. And that toaster just likes messing with you. Who doesn’t?”

“Shut up. I need you to roll over on your stomach. I’ll help with your legs.” Tony does, situating Rhodey on the table. “What I have is this.” He shows Rhodey something small and black and about the size of a pizza roll. “It’s going to be attached to your spine. Lower lumbar. Lots of medical jargon.”

“This is really making me feel good about what you’re doing.” Rhodey snarks.

Tony shrugs, “It should make you walk again. The device is meant to find the damaged bits of your spinal cord and basically create a detour.”

“What happens if it gets damaged?”

“Since you don’t like keeping things from the military I’m just gonna say that it won’t get damaged.” Tony smiles, “But I am going to patent it and use it to be the first of many things for my new prosthesis division.”

“So you’re selling prosthetics now?”

“Yep.” Tony pops his lips. “At insanely low prices, accepting any health insurance providers, too. I want to make them affordable and obtainable.”

“When will I know that you’ve put mine in?”

Tony smiles, “I just did!”

Rhodey freezes and realizes he can feel his legs. The cold press of the metal table and he tries to wiggle his toes. He does and he’s so thrilled that he can’t move much else.

“Do you wanna sit up?” Tony asks, softly.

Tony stands by and watches with barely concealed glee as Rhodey manages to shakily get himself into a sitting position.

“Can I stand?” Rhodey asks, enraptured by his own swinging legs.

Tony stands infront of him, hands out and palms up, “I’ll need to help you because your muscles have atrophied a bit. You’ll experience weakness in them until you build up the muscle again. Until then, I have an apparatus that will act as a stabilizer.”

Rhodey takes his hands and stands. Tony’s right, he can feel the weakness in his legs. Muscle groups shaking with the weight and strain but still working nevertheless. He can walk again. Tony takes him around for a slow turn around the workshop. He’s weak, that’s for sure, but operational. When they’re done he sits back up on the table.

He pulls Tony into a tight hug, “Tony, I-“ he clears his throat, tears stinging his eyes, “thank you. Thank you so much.”

Tony squeezes him, “I got you, Rhodey. I told you.”

“I know.” Rhodey sniffles and lets Tony go. “I know.”

Tony smiles and starts haphazardly putting things away. Rhodey sits there, swinging his legs and wiggling his toes, and just marvels at the feeling. His legs are still weak but he’d rather have temporary weakness than nothing at all.

“Tones, I feel like this is a good time to tell you that I’m dating someone.”

Tony gasps and whips around, smile on his face, “No way! Tell me!”

Rhodey laughs. Tony’s always been one for gossip.

“Do you want to long story or the skip to the end?”

“Ugh,” Tony groans. “Skip to the end. I can’t wait through a long story.”

“It’s Sam.”

“Sam?”

“Yes.” Rhodey sighs. “The Falcon? The guy who flies? Any of this ringing a bell?”

Tony hums, “Oh, yeah. Wasn’t he on Cap’s side?”

“You asked to skip to the end so you don’t get the details right now.” Rhodey sighs. “It’s been tough, sure. But people are allowed to have differing opinions on things, Tones.”

“That I do know.” Tony sighs.

“So…” Rhodey drags out, “Pepper’s told me about you having something with a certain someone.”

Tony groans, “Is this ‘the Talk’ because I had that like _years_ ago. Besides, nothing has exactly happened yet.”

“No, Tony.” Rhodey rolls his eyes. “This is me saying that I approve. I know a lot more about your life-”

“Stalker much?” Tony says under his breath.

“-than you know and it’s looking like this is good for you. But-“

“There it is.” Tony huffs.

“ _But,_ stop interrupting, I think you should be careful. I only have one best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

It’s Tony that rolls his eyes this time, “You’d get half of all my money and property.”

Rhodey punches Tony in the arm just on the right side of playful, “I’m not friends with you for your money, asshole. You could be dirt poor and I’d still have you as my best bud. Stop being…whatever this is. Dramatic? Insecure? Either way, you’ll get it in your skull one day.”

FRIDAY took that moment to pipe up, “Sir, Sergeant Barnes is requesting entry.”

“Speak of the devil.” Rhodey grins.

“Don’t say that.” Tony grouses. “Let him in.”

“Yeah, ok.” Rhodey shrugs. “Help me get in that fucking chair. It’s still my throne until I’m stable enough.”

“Throne?”

Rhodey laughs as Tony helps him down into it, “Well, it sounds better when I say it.”

-

Bucky enters just as he sees Tony help the Colonel back into his wheelchair. He’s surprised but not completely. Tony’s been going on about his fix for days. He says it’s not much but Bucky imagines there’s thousands upon thousands of people whose whole lives will change with this new technology.

“Colonel.” Bucky salutes.

“Sergeant.” Rhodey nods. “It’s good to see you.”

Rhodey wheels himself to the elevator and gets on with a wave before he’s on his way up.

Tony looks happy, if a little exhausted, and is cleaning up the rest of the table. Cleaning by which meaning pushing certain things to certain places and sanitizing the important parts.

“How you doing, Tony?” Bucky asks, sitting on a different table and picking up some random piece of circuitry.

“Well,” Tony says, plucking the item from Bucky’s hand and then leading Bucky off the table, “Rhodey has his legs back, I revolutionized the prosthetics industry, _and_ have a surprise for you.”

“Just that? Wow, you’re slacking off,” Bucky smiles, obviously sarcastic.

“Shut up.” Tony says fondly. “What are you down here for?”

“I have to have a reason?” Bucky stops Tony with a grab of his hand and smooths his thumb over Tony’s wrist. “Sometimes I just like seeing you.”

Bucky can see that Tony’s thrown by that. He blushes, eyes averting, but twists his arm in Bucky’s grip so that they’re holding hands. Tony’s smile is soft and it all but physically punched Bucky in the gut. Tony puts something that looks suspiciously like the head of a small robot down.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. I like seeing you, too.” Tony leans in close and Bucky spreads his legs so he can bring him in for a light hug. “However, this is a great moment to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“How do you feel about going out?” Tony absently plays with the hem of Bucky’s shirt.

“You mean like a date?”

Tony pulls back and gives him a bright smile, “Yeah.” A kiss. “A date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're so cute!
> 
> Stay tuned for Tony and Steve's talk.
> 
> aaaand yay for blatant disregard for believable surgery!


	19. The Talk(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has his talk with Bucky and then one with Tony.
> 
> Steve's forgiven, at least as much as Tony can forgive right now, but that doesn't mean he's won trust. Trust takes time.

Monday evening, at some place Bucky hadn’t heard of, but that Tony claims is the best Italian in the state that isn’t pompous and full of itself.

That’s their date.

Bucky had left Tony with a firm kiss that may or may not have had his head swimming and let him get on with this ‘surprise’ that he’d decided to give him on their date. God, Bucky couldn’t believe he was on a date. He’d been called a lady’s man and may have had some sort of talent where charm was involved but that’s not to say that he was never nervous.

Or so completely smitten that he couldn’t keep his heart from near palpitations or a blush from blooming across his nose.

All things considered though, he still needed to have a talk with Steve. Because history often left things out and their relationship had never been necessarily official but it’d been real enough for them. At the time. Things had never picked up since both of them had been on ice and Bucky didn’t think Steve and him would ever work in this new world.

Bucky was doing his best to put their last fight behind him but for all he is he can’t help but still be hurt by it. Things needed to be addressed. But one thing was for sure: Steve and he could never be a thing again.

It was more than just because of Tony, too.

So that’s why Bucky finds himself waiting in the kitchen, sitting on a bar stool and sipping on some tea that Louise had made, purposefully looking for neutral ground. Because either of their rooms feels weird in way of a place to talk.

It seems like Louise has also made sure to keep the area clear of anyone else.

When Steve comes in Bucky’s halfway through his second cup and pours one for Steve.

“Is this the part where I get to apologize to you?” Steve asks, smiling softly, before taking a seat.

Bucky puts his cup down and shakes his head, “No. That’s still a little far off. You and Tony still need to talk. This is a different animal altogether.”

Steve takes the offered tea and warms his hands on it.

“You got me at a loss, Buck.” Steve looks at him then. “You’re gonna have to spell it out.”

“This is about us.” Bucky gestures between the two of them. “Rather, you and the person I used to be.”

“Oh.” Steve seems surprised and sets his cup down. “I just figured…you know.”

“I really don’t.” Bucky frowns. “We can’t just pick up where we left off. We don’t just become a thing after a couple decades worth of being frozen and brainwashed.”

“I guess I thought we’d try.” Steve sighs.

Bucky considers him for a moment and then shakes his head, “No, Stevie. I don’t think we can. Or should.”

“Why?”

That’s the big question, isn’t it? Why Tony and not Steve? Why anything but Steve at all?

“I’m not that Bucky anymore. You can’t have that back because he doesn’t exist anymore.” Bucky takes a sip of his tea and clears his throat. “You’re not willing to accept that he’s gone.”

“It’s just taking me a bit to adjust.” Steve catches Bucky’s eyes. “I just found you. You can’t expect me to take it all in stride.”

Bucky frowns, “And I’m not. But what I am doing is letting you know that it’s something I’ve decided. I _can’t_ be with you, Steve. Right now you’d be dating a dead man.”

“You’re still my best friend, Buck.” Steve manages, looking like a kicked puppy, “’Till the end of the line.”

Bucky smiles brokenly, “That’s what I mean, Steve. That was who we were.”

“Then what? We’re strangers now?”

“No.” Bucky groans and sets his tea down. “I still know you. You’re still important to me. Still my friend. But you need to start working under the fact that I won’t ever be the same. That I’m not the same.”

Steve sighs, “I know that, ok? I get it. I guess I was just hoping it could have _been_ the same.”

“We still have the here and now, Steve. While I figure out who I am, you can learn what it is to be friends with that person.” Bucky offers Steve a sad smile. “But this talk is about more than me. It’s about Tony, too.”

Steve’s tea is getting cold and it looks like he’s abandoned it all together, “What do you mean?”

“I like Tony, Steve.” Bucky takes a breath, “I wanted you to hear this from me, ok?”

Steve’s silent.

Bucky looks at him, “Please tell me you’re understanding this.”

“You like Tony?”

“Yes.”

“I’m assuming you mean more than friends in this case.”

Bucky sighs, “Yeah, I do. It sounds more juvenile like that but that’s what it is.”

“This is why we don’t have a thing anymore?” Steve seems confused and a little upset.

“No. We don’t have a thing anymore because we’re different people, Steve. We’re at different parts of finding ourselves and accepting those parts.” Bucky’s exhausted now. “I wanted to tell you that I’m stepping out with Tony.”

“Oh.”

“We have a date Monday.”

“Oh.”

Bucky sighs and stands up. He looks at Steve, who seems angrier than before but also a little defeated. It’s complicated, Bucky knows, his reasoning for not picking their relationship back up. He feels like their relationship ended the day he fell off that train. Life isn’t easy or simple and Bucky doesn’t think that after all they’ve been through, him and Steve, that they can just jump back into how things were.

“I still have your back, Steve. And I know you’ll have mine.” Bucky chances a pat to Steve’s shoulder, “I am sorry, for what it’s worth.”

Steve shrugs off Bucky’s hand but offers him a genuine smile, “I get it, Buck. And ‘for what it’s worth’, I’m happy for you.”

And he leaves.

-

Steve feels gutted.

Bucky makes sense. The more Steve thinks on it the more he realizes that he _is_ different. He’s not the same scrawny kid who made it in the Army. He’s not the same person he was when he was in the Commandos. There’s a part of him that is still the same, he supposes, the part that started it all. But people evolve. They change.

He’s changed.

And Bucky has, too. He can admit that to himself now. Steve’s made it to this side of a handful of decades by being frozen for the whole trip but Bucky’s been in and out of it the entire way. Brainwashing and torture has changed him. Now that Steve thinks about it, he can see how it’s changed him. Bucky’s finding himself. Figuring out who he is.

Steve isn’t going to lie, it hurts. He knows that he’s had a problem holding onto the past. Peggy, Bucky, even himself. A part of him is justified, too. He’s been pulled from one world into another without anything close to an adjustment period. Maybe he needed more of that. He may be Captain America to the world but to himself he’s just Steve.

Maybe he needs to take some time to figure out just who that is.

Before he can realize where he’s going, he’s on the path to see Tony. Subconsciously, he figures it’s time for their talk. He just hopes that Tony’s ready, too.

“FRIDAY, would you mind asking Tony if he feels up to talking to me?”

“Of course, Captain.”

So Steve stands there, in front of the elevator that would take him down to the workshop, and waits.

Silently, almost like a ghost, Thelma materializes beside him. When the elevator dings and the doors open, Steve and Thelma both step inside.

-

Tony is surprised when FRIDAY tells him that Steve’s asking to come down. His heartrate does pick up just a tad and he’d be lying if he said that his first reaction was to run.

But he agrees, because he knows that they’ll have to talk sooner or later and it would be best for the team if he just does it. Plus he has Thelma there. Steve may be a super soldier but having someone else in the room does make him feel better.

The elevator dings and the doors slide open and suddenly Steve is standing there. He doesn’t move close to Tony by any means. He keeps a good twenty or so feet between them. Sensing Tony’s acute distress, his bots strategically place themselves between the two of them. The silence is tense and with each passing second Tony feels his chest compress just a little bit more.

Thelma stands, silent, just behind and off to the left of Steve.

So he decides to break the silence first, “Whatcha need, Cap?”

Steve seems relieved, like he couldn’t quite speak first, and his stance relaxes.

“I was hoping we could talk.” He clears his throat, “You know, about what happened.”

“Siberia.” Tony states.

“Yeah.”

Tony leans against a table and crosses his arms, “Ok. Talk.”

“I should have told you.” Steve blurts and Tony averts his eyes, chewing on his cheek. “At the time I thought I knew what was best. So I decided not to tell you.”

“You lied.” Tony interjects.

“I thought I did it for you.” Steve sounds close to pleading.

Tony huffs, “You did it for Bucky, not me.”

“I know.”

“We were friends.” Tony is more thankful in this moment than he has been so far that he can’t cry. “I thought we were friends and you lied to me.”

Steve opens up his arms and holds his hands palms up, “I did. I know. And I don’t know what to do to show you that I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry.” Tony admits, and he does. He knows that Steve feels sorry for that lie. “But I can’t trust you now. After that lie, that betrayal – after our fight. Steve,” Tony chokes back a sob, “I almost _died_.”

“I know.” Steve says and it’s almost a whisper. “When I found you, you looked so – I was so worried that…” Steve can’t seem to finish his sentences.

“It took weeks.” Tony adds, angry. “It took Rhodey and Pepper for anyone to do anything.”

“What do you want me to do?” Steve’s angry, too, but more frustrated than furious.

Tony throws out his arms and lets them fall to his sides before rubbing his eyes, “I don’t know. I don’t – I just need you to understand how I feel, I guess.”

“I’m trying.” Steve replies, softly.

“You are now.” Tony sighs and meets Steve’s eyes. “Look, trust and honesty are important to me. People have been lying to me, using me for their own ends, since I can remember. People look at me and think they can get money, or my brain, or whatever. And I thought that I could trust you. I thought that at least the people on my team wouldn’t use me.”

“I wasn’t trying to use you, Tony.” Steve tries.

Tony sighs, “But that’s what it ended up being, wasn’t it? You lied for yourself.”

“I lied for Bucky.” Steve states. “I did it to protect him.”

Tony rubs his eyes the hard mechanical pieces protected by synthetic sclera.

“I would have helped you, you know? I would have been mad, sure. Upset. But I would have come to terms with the fact that it was the Soldier, not James. And then I could have helped you.”

“I know that now.” Steve curses under his breath. “If I could I would change it, ok? But I can’t.”

“I know.” Tony takes in a deep breath. “I’m forgiving you for that. It’s taking a bit to move past completely but I do forgive you. The trust is going to take longer to build back, though. And I’d be a liar if I said that just seeing your face brings back flashes of you bringing your shield down onto my chest.”

“It’s not my shield. Like you said in Siberia. It isn’t really mine.”

Tony smiles a little, “It is yours, Steve. You’re still Captain America. You’re still an icon, and idol that people need. I can’t keep that from them.”

“That’s what I wanted to tell you.” Steve gathers himself up. “I’m here to officially hand over my suit and shield. It’s the best way I know to apologize to you.”

Tony’s thrown for a moment before he collects himself, “The sentiment is appreciated, really. But those things belong with you, Steve. You’re still and Avenger. You’re still the idol people need, like I said.”

“I don’t know if I deserve to be that anymore, Tony.” Steve says and it’s almost soft enough that Tony has to strain to hear it.

“We have enough issues to work through to put any one else to shame, sure, but I’m being honest here when I say that you still deserve to be Captain America.” Tony takes a breath. “We all have growing up we need to do, Steve. And by all accounts you’ve done your best. It’s just that sometimes our best isn’t enough.”

Steve nods, “I’m just now figuring things out.”

“That’s ok.” Tony smiles. “I’m old and I still have things to learn. No one is ever perfect, Steve.”

“I don’t think I should be the team leader anymore.” Steve blurts.

Tony blinks and cocks his head, crossing his arms again, “Can you repeat that?”

“I shouldn’t lead the team.” Steve says, more clearly. “I can stay Captain America but I can’t stay team lead. I won’t.”

Tony nods, “Ok.”

“I just don’t know who should be.” Steve seems relieved somehow.

Tony smirks, “I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always go over my chapters to make sure they're ok but if there's any issues with spelling or grammar I'm sorry. 
> 
> ANWHOOZLES, two updates in one night! LEt me know what you think!
> 
> Stay tuned! How long can the lull last? Who will be team lead? What's Tony's surprise for Bucky?


	20. The Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's nervous. Tony's anxious. And they go on their date.

Natasha enters Tony’s lab and it’s almost as if it’s on cue. Like she must have known what they were talking about. The spy considers both men and then offers up a smile. She feels like the team is coming together. Slowly, but still.

“Conspiring?” She laughs and maintains the same distance that Steve has. “Sharing is caring, boys.”

Tony grins at her, “Perfect timing, Rule 63 Peter Pan.”

Steve makes a face that makes it clear he has no idea what is going on. Natasha puts a hand to the back of her neck to play with the short hairs there. The whole cut is still one she isn’t used to. It’s nice, she supposes. There’s the weight missing, sure, but it also makes it harder for people to grab onto her hair.

“Fess up.” She says, hand leaving her hair to play with a soldering iron.

“We were just starting a conversation about how I shouldn’t be team lead. Tony was about to tell who he thinks it should be.”

Natasha nods and purses her lips, “Ten says I know who Tony’s thinking.”

“I’m not that obvious.” Tony smiles and moves to stand closer. “But I am a sucker for bets. Go ahead and tell Steve.”

She walks over to Steve and pulls him down to her level to whisper the name into his ear. Steve manages to keep a relatively descent poker face but she does see his eyebrows go up a smidge.

“Out with it.” Natasha says to Tony, leaning back against the same table Steve’s on.

“I think it should be Bucky.”

Natasha pumps her fist, “Nailed it!” And then reaches out for a high-five from Tony.

She’s not left hanging.

-

It’s Monday morning and Bucky’s up before the sun.

He’s so nervous that he can’t quite keep himself still. He tried cleaning his room first but it is cleaned everyday whenever he happens to be out of it so he quickly dropped that idea. Next was to go through every piece of clothing he had and scrutinize it.

Everything looked too dressy or not dressy enough.

So he dragged Natasha into his room and introduced her to the piles.

“These three aren’t an option.” He begins and makes a face. “I don’t like the way they look on me without my arm. These four are maybe’s and organized by comfort level.”

“James.” Natasha interjects. “You really need to calm down. It’s a date.”

He sighs, “I know. I know. It’s just.” He sits down, tired already, “I’m just trying to pick the perfect thing.”

“He’s just happy he’s going on a date with you. He won’t care what you’re wearing.”

“I do, though.” He looks up at Natasha and she’s surprised at the emotion there. “Look. He’s the first person I’ll be stepping out with since I started finding myself. He’s the first person who will be dating that me.” He sighs and pulls a hand over his face, “Am I making any sense?”

Natasha nods and offers him a small smile, “Yeah, you do. I know what that’s like. Wanting someone to like me – love me – for the actual person I am. Not someone else; someone fabricated or old.”

“I knew you’d get it.” Bucky sighs in relief.

Natasha steps closer and catches Bucky’s eyes, “This is you,” she says, gesturing around them. “All these clothes, how you do your hair, your tendency to switch between Brooklynn and Russian accents – everything is you. He knows that and more. And he asked you out.”

“So what you’re saying….?” Bucky asks, eyebrow quirked.

“What I’m saying is that he knows you, dummy. And he’ll be along for the ride while you find more bits about who you’re going be. Tony’s good at going with the flow.” Natasha sighs, “I made the mistake of overlooking that. You shouldn’t do it either.”

“I’m not.”

“I know.” She smiles. “You’re just nervous. Ugh, I suck at this.” She sighs and gives him a look he can’t quite place. “Just know that you’re going to be fine.”

Bucky knows what she’s trying to say. Tony’s been with him through a lot so far. He’s managed to get past who Bucky was, _The Winter Solder,_ and he’s looked past that to see who Bucky’s trying to be. Tony’s asked no questions about when it will happen or tried to get him to be something he shouldn’t be. He’s let Bucky figure it out on his own.

He still hasn’t learned much about himself. There’s still a lot he has to work through, but he figures he can do that now. He can do that when there’s someone there who’ll always support him without waiting for a ghost.

“Are you going to help me with finding an outfit or not?”

-

Bucky is in the car waiting, Tony is seconds from leaving, and Natasha is blocking the exit.

“As much as I’d like to start a musical number with you about how the hills are alive somehow,” he takes a deep breath, “I have a date I would very much like to be starting.”

“Your puns about my hair are hilarious but ridiculously long-winded.” Natasha smiles, “I’ll keep this short. I just wanted to get this out of the way.”

Tony eyes her for a second before taking the document. It’s embossed, stamped, and signed officially by a notary and Pepper. As soon as he sees Pep’s signature he looks a little closer.

The whole thing basically states that Natasha has been taken on as one of Tony’s top bodyguards and is, under penalty of death, expected to protect Tony’s life to the best of her ability. At the bottom is Natasha’s signature and next to it is her thumb print in what he can only assume is blood. Tony briefly wonders if this is a weird dream or an episode of the Twilight Zone.

“Yeah, I just need you to sign here.” Natasha says, gesturing to a blank line with a pen.

Then Natasha turns, her back facing Tony, and waits.

Confused coupled with the feeling that he was jumped, Tony signs, the paper pressing into her back with his cramped signature.

“This is weird.” Tony says, stepping around her and backing to the door, “You keep being weird.”

He’s out the door and about to step down the stairs to the car when he turns and grips the door before it closes, “Does this mean you’re on security detail tonight?”

She just raises an eyebrow, “I don’t know. Did you read the paperwork?”

Tony just groans and gets in the car.

-

Bucky is thrilled.

And that isn’t sarcasm. He’s practically vibrating in the passenger’s seat while he watches Tony walk around to sit in the driver’s seat. The car is nice, practically spotless, but not too showy. It’s a Cadillac, older model, and he’s loving the seats. He’s always disliked that new-car-smell but all he’s just getting is the scent of leather, oil, and Tony.

He prefers the smell of the car over any cologne.

When Tony starts the car with a smile Bucky can’t help but smile back.

“This was mom’s favorite car. The 69’ De Ville, restyled in the Eldorado way. When we stayed out here she would take me and all the other kids out for a Sunday drive. We always got ice cream.”

Something warm fills Bucky’s heart and he’s close to crying. Tony had been so close to his mother. He’d obviously loved her greatly. Bucky’s struck then by the memory of how he’d taken that from Tony. His smile fades.

Tony turns to him, smile still bright, and puts a hand on Bucky’s leg before leaning in and kissing his cheek.

“It’s a happy memory, James.” Tony pulls back and gives Bucky a wink, “She would have liked you.”

Bucky’s heart just about bursts.

-

Tony knows that Natasha is tailing them and he’s sure Bucky knows, too.

“So Nat’s basically my body guard now.” He tries.

They have the windows down and radio turned low. The breeze feels nice and cools just enough while the sun is setting, painting the sky with an array of oranges, pinks, and purples. It’s a bit surreal driving on bumpy interstate with the trees whipping by. But he’s loving it.

“I’d say I was surprised but I’m not.” Bucky shrugs.

Tony looks over at Bucky from the corner of his eye and finds him reclining, relaxed, on his seat. He smiles, looking back to the road. His goal was to get Bucky out of the house. Hell, they both needed it and it was a great excuse for working up the nerve to just ask him out. For all the hand-holding and kisses they’d not actually been on a date. Movie nights aside.

“I don’t need people swearing fealty to me.”

Bucky laughs at that and Tony finds himself laughing too.

“Maybe it’s what Nat needs. She’s trying to right her wrongs.”

“It all seems a little extreme.”

Bucky braces his arm on the open window, fingers tapping on the roof, “Maybe she feels like her slights are big enough to warrant her corrections.”

Tony thinks on that for a second. In his mind, she had gained his forgiveness when she’d sent him that letter. Her hair in the box had been the seal of the deal. It seems like Natasha thinks she needs more. He figures they’ll probably need a talk at some point because he can’t keep letting her do this. She’s got the forgiveness. All she needs is the trust. And you can’t earn trust with gifts.

They make it into town through a fair amount of traffic and relative silence. It’s nice and Tony’s surprised with how much he enjoyed it. There’s something to be said about spending time with someone without having to say much.

So they park and Tony turns the car off and sits for a moment, stopping Bucky’s move to get out of the car with a soft hand to his leg.

“I feel like I’ve done this whole thing backwards.” He laughs and rubs Bucky’s leg. “I should’ve taken you out _ages_ ago.”

“Tony, it’s only been a few weeks.” Bucky says and he looks confused.

“But it feels like forever.” Tony catches the pinched look to Bucky’s face and clarifies, “In a good way!”

“I’m not sure how you say that in a good way.”

Tony sighs and squeezes his leg before letting go, “Wait here and let me do something.”

Bucky watches as Tony gets out of the car and make his way over to the passenger side door. He opens it and offers a hand which Bucky promptly takes.

“You look handsome.” Tony tries, smiling down at Bucky before helping him out of the car.

Their height difference is almost comical. Bucky’s wearing a nice polo that compliments his eyes as well as a pair of jeans that hugs his thighs in a way that Tony thinks should be illegal. Tony actually looks less dressed up than Bucky. He’s in a t-shirt and stonewashed jeans. The cleanest thing about his outfit, strangely, is his hightop shoes.

“I better.” Bucky snorts. “It took me forever to decide on a shirt.”

Tony’s thrown and leads them into the restaurant, locking the car with a beep behind them. They get their seats, in a dark, sheltered corner of the establishment. A small, comfy booth that has visuals on every exit and all the windows.

“Do you need more clothes?” Tony asks, confused.

“No. I was nervous, Tony.” Bucky laughs. “Suddenly, it was like my first date all over again.”

Tony mouths an ‘o’ and leans back, “It sort of is, isn’t it? This is a new you. You’re figuring out who you are. You get to experience everything again through a new perspective.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Bucky says, and in that moment is hit by how much he already loves Tony. “I’m sure the sex will be fantastic.”

“You know,” Tony says, leaning over the table with a wide grin, “I was just about to say that.”

Finally, a waitress comes over to get their drink orders and drop of menus.

-

The pasta _is_ delicious and the atmosphere manages to be authentic and laid back. Bucky’s loving every minute of it. Everything about this date has felt like a whole new world. He realizes, belatedly, that this is one of the very few things he’s done since the Soldier was put away in his head. Bucky’s getting to do something without there being any sort of issue hanging in the balance. It’s just dinner.

Just dinner with Tony.

Tony seems to be in his element. He’s smiling, talkative, and has been playing footsie with him since they sat down.

Their waitress is sweet, doesn’t say anything about his missing arm, and doesn’t even stare. She obviously knows it’s a date and offers them a desert on the house when she learns it’s their first ever.

“They all adore you.” Tony says around a mouthful of bread, olive oil, and garlic. “I swear the bots love you more than they do me.”

Bucky’s been finished with his pasta for a while and has finally decided that Tony is a slow eater. It isn’t even because he talks a lot. Bucky’s given him a run for his money when it comes to conversation and there hasn’t been one lull since they sat down. He’s ok with it, though. They have nowhere to be and he’d do anything to keep this night going for as long as possible.

“You know that’s bullshit.” Bucky smiles, taking a quick drink. “I just spoil them.”

“If you do that they won’t listen to me.” Tony chides but he’s smiling, too.

Bucky shrugs, “I’m much better at good-cop.”

Tony laughs and Bucky files the sound of it away in his mind. Bucky’s taken the whole evening to do that. Making sure to remember the laugh lines he has, the smattering of freckles he has across his nose, and the dimple when he smiles. Things like that. Under this light his hair looks less dark and more streaked with caramel and cinnamon.

Suddenly, Bucky remembers, “So what’s my surprise?”

“Oh!” Tony exclaims, like he’s forgotten (and probably has), and wipes his mouth. “I finished your arm!”

Bucky sits there for a moment, shocked even though he’d known that Tony had been working on it.

“I managed to fine-tune it. You old model couldn’t really _feel_ much.” Tony continues, babbling excitedly. “This one is strong, sure, but you should be able to feel things again. Much more acutely. I’m talking like telling linen from cotton. And the plating is smoother so you shouldn’t have to worry about pinching yourself or others when you use it.”

“Tony.” Bucky clears his throat and pushes his plate to the side to grab onto one of Tony’s hands. “You didn’t have to.”

Bucky’s grip seems to have centered him, “I know.” Tony grins, “But I wanted to.”

“How about we get out of here?” Bucky asks, bringing Tony’s palm up to his lips so he can kiss the middle of it.

Tony gulps, “Uh, sure. Let me just settle the bill first.”

When they leave Tony makes sure their waitress gets a few hundred dollars in her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew! I love them. 
> 
> longer chapter than usual! I hope there aren't a lot of mistakes. My brain thing is getting worse but I read through it multiple times to try and catch at least all the spelling errors.
> 
> stay tuned y'all for Bucky getting his arm back and what he does with it first thing. Also: Clint's apology and Wanda's talk with Tony.


	21. The Buildup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky sees his arm, Natasha has a talk with Clint, Steve grows a bit, and Wanda finally has that talk with Tony.

The ride back to the mansion is thick with tension and Bucky wishes with all he has that he already had his new arm. There are some things he’d like to do to Tony.

Libido aside, Bucky is glad to be going home. Eating out was fun and getting out the house had been good for the both of them but he was happy to go back. Hell, he was happy to have a place he called home. Because for the last several decades he’d been used by people on the wrong side of a moral war. And he found that the person he was becoming was one that appreciated what it was like to have his own space. 

He had a lot to be thankful for. He had a lot to thank Tony for.

When they show up at home the first thing Tony does is take hold of his hand and lead him down to the workshop. Tony’s shaking a bit with what Bucky hopes is excitement. It probably is, with maybe equal parts anxiety.

“We can wait until tomorrow if you want, Tony.”

Tony pulls him through the workshop and laughs, “What I _want_ is to show off to my boyfriend and then hopefully get to second base.”

“That can be arranged.” Bucky chuckles, “I aim to please.”

They stop in front of a large table covered in a lightweight, white sheet. Bucky knows intellectually what’s underneath but he still can barely contain himself.

“I’m sure you do.” Tony purrs.

He releases his hand and makes a show of bowing and making a few grand gestures with his hands. Whip-fast Tony yanks the sheet off smoothly, managing to avoid disturbing anything underneath, and does it all with a sing-song, “Ta-da!”

It’s a bit much to take in.

The arm is silver, like his old one, but holds no star. It glints in the cool lighting of the workshop and looks for all it is like the one he had. He feels it so intensely. It’s like it is already attached and he feels the phantom movement of fingers flexing.

“It’s just as strong as your old one.” Tony smiles, interrupting his reverie, “But it’s lighter so that you can get to work on fixing your gait. It should help when you work on the physical therapy and pain management you need.”

“Tony.” Bucky tries and his voice is gravely. He clears his throat. “Tony.”

“As much as I like hearing you say my name, I want to hear what you have to say about it.”

Bucky can tell that Tony’s nervous. He’s adjusting his weight back and forth, hands wringing and he’s chewing the inside of his cheek. Bucky’s trying hard but he’s having trouble finding the words.

So instead, he reaches out and grabs Tony’s wrist. His grip is light but firm and Tony comes willingly to Bucky’s chest. He can’t believe that his life has led up to this moment. Through all the shit he’s gone through and everything he was _made_ to do. He’s been through the ringer, that’s for sure, but he’s glad to be where he ended up. He has friends, he’s a part of a team, and he has a home.

“Do you want it?” Tony asks into Bucky’s shirt, warm air somehow managing to make him shiver. “I have a surgeon flying in this week to attach it and take a look at your back.”

Bucky laughs and pulls from Tony enough to look him in the eyes, “I do. But can I have a kiss first?”

“You can have kisses whenever you want them, Bucky. You don’t have to ask anymore.” Tony looks up at him with a blinding smile. “Just don’t sneak up on me.”

“That’s fair.” Bucky agrees.

So he kisses Tony.

They’ve had a lot of pasta and bread today and their date was the sole responsibility for the heavy taste of garlic and cheese on their breath. It’s by no accounts show-stopping and Bucky knows that they’re both still holding things back but, hell, it still knocks the breath out of him. Tony’s lips are warm and a little chapped and Bucky’s doing his best to rile him up.

So Bucky slides his hand up underneath Tony’s shirt to rub hard circles into his hip, reviling in how soft his skin is and the way Tony gasps. Bucky’s an opportunist and takes advantage of the following sigh to introduce tongues to the game.

He doesn’t miss the way Tony squirms to get closer to him. Tony knows his way around, though, and gives a roll of his hips to Bucky’s leg just as a hand sneaks up into his hair to give it a good pull. Bucky smiles against Tony’s lips and his hips respond in kind.

God, this is heaven.

-

“Laura told me that you’re done with you work back home.” Nat smiles into the phone, “Time to come back and fix things with your other family.”

“Aw, Laura, no.”

“We’re going to have a team meeting soon, Clint, and you’re a part of the team.”

Clint huffs, “I am _trying_ to _retire_.”

“That’s funny,” Nat looks at her nails, blowing on the hardening red polish, “I seem to remember you in Wakanda. Oh, yeah. And at the terminal when the team was fighting each other.”

“But-“

“Excuses.” Natasha doesn’t even let him finish. “Don’t think you can get away with not apologizing to Tony, either.”

“I’m not good with,” he pauses and Natasha can see him gesturing wildly in her mind, “emotions.”

She laughs, “Yeah, well, none of us are.”

“Yeah, but if being bad at them was an Olympic sport I would get the gold.”

Natasha snorts, “Please, you’d get _at best_ the bronze.”

“Why are you like this?” Clint sighs.

“Because for some reason, even as an accomplished spy and avenger, you still need a handler.”

“I don’t need…look. I am, GOD.” Clint curses and Natasha can hear the phone jostle. “I already sent my apology. Part of it.”

“I know.” She clicks her tongue. “I’m looking at it.”

Clint gasps, “What? Then why am I having this conversation?”

“Because, you human disaster, as surprisingly well-thought-out as it is,” Natasha pauses to set what happens to be a very badly wrapped bow aside, “you still have to be here for the team meeting.”

“I was hoping that it could be a two-for-one.”

She sighs and rubs her eyes, “Not everything in life is like those disgusting gas station hot dogs you eat.”

“Yeah ok, _Mom_.”

She hears Laura laugh in the background and Natasha says, “Someone has to be the adult if you’re going to be a child, Clint.”

“Laura’s an adult.” Clint manages. “Enough of one for the both of us.”

“Which is why,” Nat draws it out, “she’s already packed your bags.”

Clint just hangs up on her and Natasha laughs.

-

Steve is doing his best.

It’s a little jarring, sure, to find out that the person you were with what seems like just _days_ ago doesn’t want to be with you anymore. When he’d first leaned about Bucky, when he’d seen him that day as the Winter Soldier, Steve had felt like maybe he could still have his life.

And then he’d learned all about what the Soldier had done. He’d seen the surveillance footage of the Stark deaths, he’d read about the assassinations, he had seen Natasha’s scar. Steve supposes that he’d thought he could have fixed it all. He was a person who wanted to fix problems. To him, everything had a solution. Everything could be put back to rights.

But he’s learning more and more that isn’t the case.

Bucky’s made that clear. That he’s not the man Steve remembers. And that kills him more than anything because Steve _sees_ it. He can see the Bucky he knew. But at the same time that vision is so distorted. Not in a bad way. Just different. And he had wanted so desperately for everything to right itself.

He’d been so caught up in waiting for his Bucky to come back that he hadn’t put in the time to learn about the new one.

Steve had said some awful things. Wishing for what was instead of being thankful for what he has. Jesus, he’s a dick.

But he’s trying so hard not to mope around about it. Because he knows that this isn’t about him, it’s about Bucky. He should be happy that his friend is finding out who he is. He _is_ happy that Bucky’s working through it all. They were friends for so long, and still are, and Steve feels happier for him than he does feel sad about himself. So he stokes that fire and lets Bucky’s progress warm him.

Tony is good for Bucky. In a lot of the same ways that he’d been good for Steve. Tony’s good at challenging people and being there for them at the same time. He’s a great man who, now that Steve has had time to actually see it, does nothing but the best he can for the people he’s close to. And not just those he loves, but the whole world. Tony really does try hard and has the ability to see the bigger picture.

He knows how to look out for his loved ones while still trying to compromise on what’s best for everyone else. And Steve could learn a thing or two from him.

-

Wanda is more than a little embarrassed when she asks FRIDAY if Tony would like to talk and the AI responds that Tony is busy.

She’s embarrassed because even though the AI has managed to make leaps and bounds in becoming so _human,_ they still can’t disguise emotion well. It sounds like FRIDAY is just _uncomfortable_ when she mentions that he’s with Barnes.

Wanda isn’t blind and she gets good gossip from FRIDAY anyway. She knows that there’s been something going on between the two men.

She’s shocked, though, when she hears the elevator whir and sees James step out. He looks a little flushed and there’s a smirk that he can’t seem to shake. His hair’s a bit wild but Wanda just avoids the whole picture altogether and decides looking him straight in the eyes is the best option.

“I am sorry, James, I did not mean to disrupt anything.”

Bucky shrugs and offers her a smile, “I’ll have more time with Tony. You guys need to have your talk.”

Wanda nods her head and steps around Bucky into the open elevator. She’s a half-second from asking FRIDAY why she hasn’t started it up yet when Bucky turns to her, face far more serious.

“You need to know a few things, Wanda.” He straightens and looks suddenly like the leader Natasha has been going on about. “You need to keep a good ten feet from him at least. Do not use your magic at any point in the Workshop. And if he asks you to leave, you _will_ leave. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir.”

Bucky’s whole attitude shifts, “Good! I hope it goes well!”

When the door shuts Wanda finds that she feels almost chided.

-

Tony’s ready to talk.

Or at least, you know, almost completely ready. As ready as he’ll ever be, he guesses. So when the doors open and Wanda steps into his workshop he tries to put his best foot forward.

“I’m sorry.”

Wanda looks shocked, to say the least, and stops what must be twenty-five feet from him. She tilts her head in that way she seems apt to do and chews her lip for a minute. It’s silent for an almost painful amount of time and Tony’s already close to calling it quits.

“I believe we both have things to be sorry for.” Wanda finally says.

Tony shrugs and his pose turns dismissive, “Because of me you were imprisoned. I kept you under lock and key in my house. My weapons killed your family. What do you have to be sorry for?”

“I manipulated you.” Wanda quits picking at her nails and drops her hands to her sides. “I’ve hated you unfairly. James made a good point the other night. I shouldn’t be mad at you for what others decide to do with your weapons.”

Tony sighs, “I still made them, Wanda. I have a lot that hangs over my head because of that. Not to mention Ultron. I’ve changed and I’m different now but that doesn’t mean I get a clean slate.”

“I think you do, Stark.” Wanda sighs and juts her chin out, grinding her teeth while she tries to hold back tears. “I will mourn my family every day of my life. Every day I will think to myself, ‘why them and not me?’” She shakes her head and looks to the ground. “But I know that these things haunt you, too.”

She clears her throat and looks up and finally meets Tony’s eyes. Wanda can see it there, almost like it’s a reflection of her own pain. She can see the weight on his shoulders and the downward pull to his mouth. When you feel pain you can see it so much better when it’s reflected in others.

“I forgive you.” And she finally realizes that she actually does. “I am at the point where I can. But I do not expect or ask the same of you. I have my own transgressions to atone for where you are concerned, Stark, and I just hope that over time I can prove to you that I am sorry.”

Tony laughs and it sounds half-hollow and somehow also relieved, “I haven’t held anything against you this whole time, Wanda. To be honest, the things you’ve done were quickly forgiven. Ultron, the things you made me see, your attitude. Whatever. It’s all good.”

Wanda looks confused, “Why?”

“I guess it was because I saw myself in you a little bit?” He says it like a question. “Family dead and gone, trying your best to survive, making wrong choices. You’re me, doll. I know that isn’t a comparison you’ll like but it’s what I see.”

“I can see it, a little bit.” Wanda admits with a soft smile. “Maybe not exactly but yes, in a way.”

Tony smiles, “People like us have to stick together, Wanda. If we don’t take care of each other who will?”

“Our team.” Wanda clears her throat and smiles brighter. “We have a team now. And while it’s not the same as what we’ve lost, it can be just as good in a different way.”

“Yeah.” Tony agrees and the room quiets.

This silence is a little more comfortable but Tony feels measurably better than he had before. Catharsis aside, he was beginning to feel that drain that comes with a busy and emotionally taxing day.

Wanda seems to sense it and nods once before heading back to the elevator.

“I hope you get some well-deserved rest, Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is moving forward even if it's at a snail's pace. YAY for victims staying together.


	22. The Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets together to discus matters at hand. Clint finishes his awkward apology. And Bucky is reminded how much he loves Tony.

It’s silent around the table.

Which is a feat in it of itself because every chair is occupied with an Avenger. The scene is reminiscent of their previous ‘team building’ dinners except the pizza hasn’t been delivered yet and with Tony not allowed alcohol any more the mansion is a dry house. Probably for the best, honestly.

Surprisingly it is Clint who breaks the silence first.

“I’m sorry, Tony.” He sighs and leans back in his chair, balancing precariously on two legs, “I hope you got the bow.”

Tony snorts, “I did. I can only hope that Laura is the one that wraps the kids’ gifts.”

“I’m and archer, not Santa, I did my best.”

“I know.” Tony gives him a smile. “Since you’re down a bow I figured I’d make you another one.”

“As awesome as that sounds and as much as I would dig it, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of giving you the original one?”

Tony shrugs, “You apologized. And as much as Nat or Bucky think we should talk,” Tony eyes Bucky specifically, “we’re both bad enough at emotions that it may instigate some sort of singularity. So,” Tony claps his hands together and then holds them up palms out, “you’re forgiven.”

Clint pretends to look star-struck, “It’s like magic, it is.”

Bucky pinches his nose and sighs.

Clint almost shrivels from a look Nat gives him and he sighs, putting his feet to the floor, “Ok, ok. From now on, Tony, know that I have your back. We’re a team which makes you family. And I look out for my family.”

Tony clutches his chest and smiles, “Aw, Clint. That’s so gayballs.”

“Tony.” It’s all Bucky says but it has Tony straightening and clearing his throat.

“Yeah, Clint, we’re family. Brother from another mother. And father. Step-Brother. Whatever. I’ll catch you when you inevitably fall off your perch.”

Clint nods with a smile and leans back in his chair again, “Cool, cool.”

Natasha butts in, “We’re all here for a reason. This is the first time we’ve been together since the fight we had.”

“So this is like group therapy?” Tony asks, uncomfortable but willing to work with them.

Bucky smiles, “In a way. I hope we can talk about unity. How do you expect to save the world – to keep it from falling apart – if your team can’t even stay together. Teams are about compromise. Your team becomes your family.”

“So why are you here?” Sam interjects. “Why am I here? Both of us weren’t actually a part of the Avengers. We’re not a part of the team.”

“You are now. Unofficially official.” Natasha shrugs, “Sam, you’ve been extended the invitation. The public knows about you and trusts you. Bucky’s hiring process is a bit harder with his past as the Winter Soldier holding him back.”

Tony clicks his tongue, “Easy peasy. We put him under his actual name. The government wants to keep track of him and the best way they can do that is by seeing him splashed across the news every time we’re needed.”

“It’s not that easy.” Nat pushes.

“It really is.” Steve interjects. “This is a good time for me to bring something up. So bear with me because it directly applies to this.”

The table stays silent and Steve takes a breath to center himself.

“To put it simply, I’m resigning as Captain America and as Team Lead of the Avengers.” Most of the table looks surprised, a few voices calling out their displeasure.

Tony puts his hand on the table and taps out a fast staccato with his fingers, “We talked about this, Steve. You can’t just leave the mantle. People look up to you.”

“No.” Steve says, shaking his head. “People look up to what Captain America stands for. Truth, justice, accountability, responsibility, and strength. These are just a few of the things that people see in him. That isn’t me.”

Sam speaks up, “Steve, you can’t let your last couple mistakes make this decision, man.”

“They’re not.” Steve huffs. “To be honest, I haven’t been these things since I got out of the ice. I’m not the Captain that people remember – that they idolize.”

“So what?” Natasha asks, genuine, “How do we keep Captain America and Steve Rogers?”

Steve leans back and looks directly at Bucky, “I turn Captain America over to Buck.”

Bucky’s thrown.

He’d wondered at how they’d integrate him into the team without causing some sort of uproar. He knows that no matter what there will always be people who hold him accountable for what he’d done as the Soldier. He couldn’t spend his life trying to convince those people of his innocence when he was still trying to convince himself. So he had been sure that he’d be avoided altogether for anything remotely public.

“How do you expect that to work?” Bucky manages through a rough throat with a pinched face.

Steve smiles and rolls his shoulders before leaning back in his chair, “I, publicly, turn the title over to you.”

“What?” Bucky almost whispers.

“The public trusts me.” Steve begins. “They look up to me and it’s like they can see their freedom personified. To them, I’m a hero. I figure that if that person, if someone they see as trustworthy, turns that title over to you, well, maybe that trust will transfer over to you.”

“So you’re hoping,” Clint begins, “that your people will just accept this?”

Natasha butts in, “It’s an interesting plan. Not necessarily solid, but interesting. I don’t think that this is something we can just jump on them, though.”

“I believe,” Wanda leans forward and chews on her lip for a moment, “that it is something we just have to introduce over time. Much like American propaganda we need to convince the population that Steve trusts Barnes and that they can trust him, too.”

Nat nods, “We can show them our trust and build their own trust with him, too. All we need is the right planning. The right devices. Stark Industries has a great PR team. With them working on the project and if Pepper decides she’ll back it we’ll be good to turn it over within six months.”

“Hold on.” Tony interrupts and leans forward, elbows on the table, lips pulled downward as he scans the table. Everyone else has leaned in as well, interested in the conversation and brains busy coming up with solutions. They look like a team, sure, but Bucky has paled a bit and seems to be stuck between anger and panic. “No one has thought to ask Bucky what _he_ wants.”

Heads turn, then, and everyone levels their eyes at Bucky.

In that moment, Bucky could kiss Tony. He could take him right there on the table if he wasn’t so greedy when it came to him.

He is so relieved that he has to take several centering, deep breaths to calm himself down. Since this conversation had started he’d felt panic creep up on him the way the pain of a knife wound does just after the shock wears off.

“I don’t know if I should do this.”

“If I may,” Bruce speaks up for the first time, “the question you need to be asking isn’t if you ‘should’ but rather, if you can. We cannot know whether or not things should be done and we cannot pretend to know either. All we can do is our best. So if it is something you think you _can_ do, well, then do it.”

Tony speaks up then, “I’ve thought about this for a little while. You’re a good leader, Bucky. You look after everyone and you know how to push us to do the best we can. You’re honest, firm, and you care about the team. The person you are, that you’re trying to be, is a good fit.”

Bucky looks then at Tony, hard. He searches for any type of wavering of surety and he finds none. Tony looks completely convinced.

“But,” Tony adds, “if you don’t think you can, that’s ok, too. Just know that there are people here that believe in you. People that think that you’d be great; that think you are great.”

Tony reaches for his hand, then, and grabs it firmly. He squeezes it and keeps eye contact, smile soft but strong.

“I can try.” Bucky whispers.

“Then so will we.” Tony agrees.

Bucky just barely manages to keep himself from telling Tony that he loves him. He figures that he needs to save that for when they're alone, so he can not only say it but also show him exactly what he means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is so far goooone omg. I need a chapter where Tony realizes he is, too. damn. Next chapter, for sure.
> 
> lmao who am i kidding i have an outline y'all, I know what happens next. 
> 
> Stay tuned for a disturbance, Bucky's surgery, and Bucky & Tony's heart-to-heart.


	23. The Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has a nightmare and Tony's there for him. After a good talk and some well-deserved sleep Tony is called in for a simple job. Bucky feels like it may not go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***
> 
> In this chapter I write about PTSD-induced nightmares and mention suicidal thoughts. If you can not handle reading about these things please feel free to comment on the chapter and I will do my best to inform you of what happened without these aspects. It is possible to skip this chapter if you need to without missing much. It is just more Bucky/Tony bonding.

“Sir!”

It’s FRIDAY. Tony wakes to her yelling. She sounds upset and frightened almost as if she was a little girl come to her father’s bed in the middle of the night. Tony’s alert. There is not mark of tiredness and no drowsy pull at the edges of his waking brain.

“Yes, yes, ok. What is it, FRIDAY?”

“It’s Bucky.”

That throws Tony through a loop. He has never once heard her refer to Bucky that way. It is always ‘Sergeant’ or ‘Barnes’. Tony realizes belatedly that FRIDAY and Bucky have obviously been getting close. To refer to him by his first name is a mark of distress.

“What is it? Report.” Tony says as he practically falls out of bed and looks around his room, panicked, for his robe.

“He’s experiencing a nightmare.” She pauses as if unsure. “He has many but he has yet to wake from this one. In the past I have always managed to rouse him.”

With the robe found he throws it on quickly and rushes out his door. He curses himself for putting their rooms so far apart.

“Bring up his vitals.” Tony wheezes, practically flying down the stairs as the display crosses his vision. “Keep trying to wake him. Where’s Steve?”

“I have specifically kept him from his room.” FRIDAY sounds even more distressed. “As per Bucky’s instruction. I worry that he may be violent.”

Tony huffs at the end of the stairs and jogs his way through the hallway and across the foyer sitting area, “Alert Natasha.”

“Already done, Sir.”

He’s so worried that it feels like it may be a dream. Heart pounding, close to palpitations, and head swimming with possibilities. He skids into the next hallway, crashing into a table with fresh daisies on it and curses when the whole thing falls to the floor and shatters.

“Shit, shit, shit!”

He barrels on, “Update!”

Bucky‘s vitals, streaming almost exactly as they happen onto Tony’s display, haven’t quieted at all. Where the hell was Natasha?

“Ms. Romanov is at his door now.”

Tony’s close. Close enough to hear the door open on hinges that could use a dose of oil. He rounds a corner fast enough to see her disappear into the room. Tony slows, trying to catch his breath as he watches Bucky’s vitals and brain waves settle instantly. The lull doesn’t last long. Tony sees the moment his heartrate shoots through the roof. He’s awake.

Natasha is standing in front of the bed, far enough back to see Tony enter the room. She brings up one hand to tell him to stay where he is and even though he’s desperate to see Bucky he does what he’s told. She’s speaking lowly in Russian. Her voice is soothing but commanding. From the little Tony had picked up over the years it sounds like she’s trying to confirm something.

When Bucky responds with a soft ‘yes’, in English, Natasha waves Tony closer and then nods to him.

So Tony wets his lips and looks at Bucky.

He looks like Hell. His hair is wild and matted, slicked with sweat. Cheeks are flushed red and there’s a tremor to his shoulders that makes Tony feel like he may cry if he could. Bucky is in a corner, sheet tangled around his legs as he turns his body to hide his missing arm. His eyes look less wild but still panicked.

Tony catches his eyes and says his name low and slow, “Bucky.”

He looks at Tony, surprised, and then a whole gambit of emotions filter through his gaze. Relief, happiness, pain, guilt, and self-hatred all before he just closes his eyes.

Natasha steps back to watch from a distance and Tony moves just a few steps closer. Bucky’s noticed, he’s sure. He isn’t tense but he is aware.

Tony stops and holds out his hands almost as if he’s surrendering, “Can I come any closer, Bucky?”

Bucky moves then, just a little, and opens up his body language just a bit. Tony’s shoulders fall with relief. He’s coming down from his fear. Heartrate decreasing but still kind of high for a resting rate.

“Tell me when to stop.” Tony tries, walking slowly and waiting for the signal from Bucky.

The move takes forever but Tony is more than willing to be patient for him. He’s taking one step at a time, drawn out and calculated. Bucky’s still hyper-aware but is starting to look more embarrassed than afraid. Tony counts that as a win.

“Stop.” Bucky says when Tony’s only three feet from him.

Tony smiles, “Can I sit?”

He nods.

So Tony sits. Bucky’s heartrate is steadily declining to that of a resting one. There are occasional spikes but he’s otherwise seeming to calm down. Tony looks at him then and wishes that he’d been smarter. Obviously Bucky would have nightmares. Tony had his own. He kicks himself for overlooking this.

“I’m sorry, James.” Tony whispers, genuine and fierce.

Bucky laughs, “Sorry? You look like you’ve run a marathon, Tony.”

“I was worried.” Tony looks down at his hands. “I should have known.”

“You can’t fix everything, Tony. Some things just can’t be avoided.”

Tony smiles but it’s sad, “I know. I’ve tried so many things to get mine to go away.”

“No luck?”

“Some.” Tony laughs, “There’s some medication that can help. But nothing is ever a complete fix. I guess what I meant to say is that I could have helped.”

Bucky feels better now. The floor is cool and while his sweat is now chilling him almost to the point of discomfort he still feels like he’s doing ok. Flashes of his dream still pulse throughout his brain like some sort of perverse midnight theater. It’s just more bearable now.

Tony is here, though. He’s a solid presence that keeps him rooted in the present moment. He can feel Nat in the room, too, at the back of his mind like some sort of constant, vigilant guard just in case the moment goes sour. He’s thankful for that.

He finds himself saying, “Sometimes, I wish I had died. Back then when I’d fallen off that train. Just wish I had stayed dead.”

“I know.” Tony says, unsurprised but sad. “I’ve felt the same way.”

Knowing that, Bucky feels a flash of protectiveness, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah,” Tony smiles, “I’m glad you’re here, too. I get it though. I know what that’s like. Don’t feel bad for feeling that way.”

Bucky sniffles and adjusts his feet slowly, untangling himself from the sheet.

“That’s the thing, I don’t feel bad about it.” He leans his head back against the wall with a thump. “I just feel. I don’t know. Indifferent.”

Tony shrugs, “I call it ‘apathetic suicidal thoughts’. The kind of thought process where you don’t actively plan your death but you wish you’d died or that you could just…stop existing.”

“It just doesn’t feel like good enough penance for what happened while I was the soldier.” Buck frowns, “Like it would be a coward’s way out.”

“It’s not cowardly.” Tony says first. “But I get what you mean. I feel like I have a lot of scores to settle before I’m allowed to do anything.”

“You can’t shoulder all that weight, Tony.”

Tony laughs, “Neither can you.” He sighs and leans forward to rest his arms on his knees, “We do our best.”

It’s silent for a minute and he feels more than sees Natasha slip out of the room. He’s grateful for her presence but the room feels a little less congested now.

“Don’t you want to know what my dream was about?” Bucky finally says.

Tony shrugs, “You can tell me that when or if you want.”

“What do you dream about?” Bucky diverts.

“Recently?” Tony asks, more to himself. “I dream about losing you in another fight. Like the one in Siberia. Sometimes you fight me. Other times Steve does. It’s all a rich tapestry.”

“I told Steve about us, you know.” Bucky admits. “I should have asked you first, now that I think about it, but he had to know how I feel about you.”

Tony smiles at that but continues on, “I know that the two of you had a thing. That you were together. It was one of the few things Howard ever shared with me.”

“He knew?” Bucky asks, surprised.

Tony laughs, “My father was a genius in his own time. Just better at people skills than me.”

“So your dreams are of me leaving?”

“Essentially. Abandonment issues are kind of my forte.” Tony chuckles.

Bucky decides to go all in, “My dreams, recently anyway, are of me killing you.”

Tony looks taken aback and says nothing. So Bucky barrels on.

“I just. I’m so worried that the Winter Soldier part of my brain will be activated one day. Or that having this new arm will trigger something and I’ll just go off.”

“I’m old.” Tony blurts. “Well, older than you. Point is: that I don’t have the luxury of time anymore to keep the things or people I want at arm’s length. I know these things about you, Bucky. I’m in it to win it with you.”

Bucky smiles, “I know. And that keeps me going sometimes. It’s just other times I wonder if I’d be better of frozen again, you know? Better for the world. Better for you. What if that’s what we need?”

“I’m not interested in ‘what if’s’ and refuse to talk about them again.” Tony says, smiling cheekily. “I’m interested in the here and now. I’m here to take this whole thing one step at a time. And so far, I’m digging this.”

Bucky rolls his eyes but answers back with a smile, “I can do that.”

“Cool.” Tony stretches out a hand and takes hold of Bucky’s. “Know this though: no matter how much I adore you, no matter how much you mean to me, I will support you in whatever decision you make. You’ve been denied choices for so long and I’m not about to keep you from something you want.”

“Oh, Tony.” Bucky says, eyes stinging with tears, as he pulls Tony into his lap to hug him tightly. “You’re so, so good. You treat me…you recognize that I need to make choices. I just.”

Tony helps, “You’re just having trouble finishing your sentences?”

“Shut up.” Bucky chides and takes a deep breath. “I love you, you crazy asshole. I really do. I am so lucky and you have no clue. I’d wanted to tell you romantically but you just keep doing things that makes me want to just blurt it out in front of everyone.”

Tony goes still for half a second before he melts further into Bucky’s lap, “I love you, too. You know that, right?”

“I’m getting what could possibly be actual butterflies in my stomach.”

“That’s called indigestion.” Tony snarks with a fond tone.

Bucky laughs, “Is that what I get for my attempt at being romantic?”

“Cold, hard facts are romantic.” Tony pouts and then sighs. “We should try to get some sleep.”

Bucky feels sadness hit him like an eighteen-wheeler, “Leaving so soon? I just professed my love to you.”

“Not a chance.” Tony says, crawling into Bucky’s bed, taking the sheet with him. “I’m sleeping with you.

Bucky stands and gets into bed. Curled around Tony, feeling better than he has in ages, he feels himself starting to fall asleep. Tony’s warm, pliant, and only snores a little. Bucky’s a little jealous of his ability to fall asleep so quickly but he figures it’s a win for him anyway. It just means he gets to revel in the feeling of Tony in his arms all that much longer.

And when he does fall asleep he doesn’t dream at all.

-

When they wake up it’s a call for Tony.

A string of robberies turned hostage situation at a bank in the heart of New York. Tony groans, knowing he’s the fastest responder, and gets out of the bed. He doesn’t leave before he wakes Bucky up with a kiss.

“Wassit?”

“Duty calls.” Another kiss. “I’ll be home in time for lunch, bet.”

Bucky groans, “No one else can go? Where’s vision?”

“On some sort of rescue. Mine collapse I think?”

“I’m coming.” Bucky says, completely alert and making his way out of bed.

“Nothing doing, sugar cookie.” Tony shrugs, “If I need you, I’ll call. Besides, it’s just a bank thing. Did you see _Hancock_? This’ll be a piece of cake.”

Tony goes to get suited up and Bucky watches him leave the room. He can’t help the feeling that something wrong is going to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was emotionally taxing to write. BUT AMAZING BUCKY/TONY BONDING.
> 
> Expect another chapter tonight. I'm on a roll! :D I'm even working my way through the beginning of my original work. SCI-FI Y'ALL!


	24. Shot but not Wounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony underestimates the job and the team is there just in time to help. There's more work to be done on their relationship as a team before Tony's able to trust them again. But this is a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Graphic Depictions of Violence*

“You know, I was beginning to wonder how many of these things I needed to pull off before they’d send an Avenger. And then it hit me: hostages! The news loves a good sob story about people I’ve got at gun point and the city, _the government_ , looks bad when they don’t send in the big guns.”

Tony’s standing in front of what he’s decided is a man off his rocker. He’s wired each hostage to the next with explosives and is holding a gun to Tony’s chest. Big whoop, honestly, for him with his armor but this guy is clearly insane. But he’s here and he’s ready to do his job.

“So what?” Tony says through the faceplate. “What’s your endgame here?”

The man, bald with gleaming eyes, laughs. Tony’s yet to see a detonator anywhere and while it seems like an easy job he doesn’t want to assume anything. So he stands there with his hands up and tries to put himself between him and the hostages. Instead, the man aims at one and clicks his tongue.

“Stay where you’re at.” He rolls his shoulders. “Every piece gets its turn.”

“What are you waiting for? A sign?”

The man smiles, “More like a signal.”

Shit. Tony purses his lips and grinds his teeth. No one had told him about this. No one had mentioned additional hostiles. They probably didn’t know.

“FRIDAY,” he says, as softly as possible, “scan for extra bodies, alright?”

She’s quiet for a moment before she says, “Two in the basement. One in the safe.”

“What are you looking for?” Tony asks, confused.

“Oh, you know.” The man says, checking his watch. “Stuff.”

“Ok,” Tony says to FRIDAY, “Run analysis on chrome dome here.”

Tony considers the people around him again. A few of the men and women look fairly worried but no one seems terrified. He figures that’s shock. Hell, he’s been in situations like this before. He gets it. So he calls Natasha next. While the phone rings he sends over the information so far to her tablet and then lowers his hands. FRIDAY pipes up.

“Positive for facial recognition, boss.” FRIDAY quips, and flashes his history up on the display.

Ok, there are several red flags. Multiple counts of assault, B&Es, armed robbery, murder, and manslaughter. He’s wanted by the state and the U.S. government for his crimes including attempted assassinations. Deemed to be psychologically unwell.

He should have been told this before.

_“Tony?”_ Natasha says, worried. _“Where are you?”_

He frowns and hisses in a breath, “I may or may not be on a job.”

“Rude.” The man says. “I know you’re on the phone in there.”

Tony can practically feel Nat stiffen over the phone. So yeah, he should have taken someone else on the team. It had seemed simple enough and he had not wanted to get anybody else up for something he could handle. Tony should have known he’d need back up with civilian hostages.  

Nat growls, _“On a job where?”_

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out when you flip on the news. The rest is on your Stark pad.”

He hears her curse and she screams for Clint.

_“Already on it. Quinjet leaving in five.”_

Tony clears his throat and addresses the man, “What’s your name?”

“Henry.”

“Henry,” Tony begins, “what’s going on here?”

“To put it plainly,” he says, gesturing with his hands, “Avengers are worth _a lot_. Less if you’re DOA but you get what you can. Anyway, there are people who would pay several pretty pennies to have you brought to their feet. Run of the mill terrorists, politicians, even just affluent people who’d love to get their hands on you for various crimes you’ve done.”

Tony swallows, “So this was your plan? Four men to take out one of us. I’ve fought _aliens_.”

_“Keep him busy, Tony.”_ Nat breathes into the phone. _“We’re headed out. T-minus five minutes.”_

_“I can do it in four.”_ Clint adds.

Natasha sighs, _“You’re an idiot, Tony.”_

_“Try to find out who they work for.”_ That’s Bucky’s voice and it’s tense enough to make Tony wince.

“All I have so far is that this guy is Henry.”

_“Not helpful.”_ Nat laughs.

“So,” Tony tries, “you’re a part of some sort of kidnapping team? Isn’t there an easier way to grab up than armed robbery?”

Henry shrugs, “The bank business is a plus. Keeps us out of the red. Hunting you down isn’t easy. We’d almost managed to find Dr. Banner before you called him in. And no one is stupid enough to try and break into SI or your mansion.”

“But you didn’t think it was stupid to try and go after Bruce? Really? That was your first choice?”

The man huffs, “No, obviously. Just the most accessible. At the time everyone was split, sure, but in places it’s next to impossible to preform successful ingress and capture. Wakanda, Stark Industries, the Mansion. It’s all a pill.”

“So next option was to fake a robbery?”

“With hostages, yeah.” He sniffs. “I’m not stupid, anyway. It’s always easier to fight on your own turf or on neutral ground. Never take the fight to your enemy’s door.”

Tony scoffs, “And we’re enemies?”

“Of course!” He laughs. “As I see it, the last several times any of you – or all of you – have gotten into it, you’ve caused more bad than good. Even without your suits and your armor you still cause trouble.”

Tony sees Henry pull the detonator from his pocket.

_“Stop goading him.”_ Bucky says. “We’re almost there. Clint’s landing on an adjacent building.”

Tony can’t help it, “What do you mean?”

The man looks at his watch and shrugs to himself before leveling his gun at Tony’s head. He’s almost inclined to laugh. His suit can withstand a gunshot. It’s handled a lot worse.

“You’re called ‘Earth’s Mightiest Heroes’ you know? And what for? When have you ever helped world-wide? All I see is destruction. But hey, I’m just a guy who works for cash. So I make the plans and they do the grunt work.” The man cocks his gun and smiles, “But that’s all backstory.”

_“Landed.”_ Nat says and her phone goes dead.

_“I’ve got your back, Tony.”_ Clint adds and Tony can hear the man assembling a large gun. _“Bucky’s on lookout.”_

Tony shrugs in the suit, “So when does this start? Are you done with your speech?”

“We still have a few minutes, but yeah, we can start now.”

Then it all happens at once.

Natasha confirms hostiles neutralized, Clint squeezes his trigger, Henry fires his, and Tony aims his laser for the man’s hand. The bullet hits Tony’s armor and, shockingly, manages to pierce it. But it does go wide and misses his face but still lodges firmly in the side just an inch away from the faceplate, sending his display into a static mess. Tony falls with the man. Henry is bleeding out on the floor, dead, and his hand is close by still clutching the detonator.

_“Tony!”_ He hears in his ear all at once from the three of them.

Tony coughs out a laugh starts to come out of his suit, “I’m good. Still alive.”

_“Stay in your suit, Tony.”_ Bucky says and it sounds like a command.

Tony waves to the rooftop he assumes Clint and him are on, “Can’t do that. I’m going to look at this bomb. Suit shot, display ruined, let me do this. I need to use hands that can deal with small wires.”

“You can wait for the bomb squad.”

“I am like at least as good as three bomb squads.” Tony replies. “I can’t leave these people.”

When he gets to the bomb he brings up it's variables on his display. The whole thing is on a timer. The detonator is a failsafe. Christ. Tony has an eidetic memory but that counts for jack-shit when someone takes creative license when it comes to bomb-making. God, what a weird hobby to have. Though, Tony can say much considering he makes the suits and spends most time in a workshop, so who is he to judge?

“Nat, if you feel so inclined it’s looking like I’m going to need a second opinion.”

Bucky curses into the comm, _“I told you, Tony just let them do their job.”_

“I’m pretty sure they don’t cover this in their classes, Buck.”

Natasha comes into view and runs over to Tony, not even out of breath, “Show me the problem.”

So he does and after a few minutes of silence and then another few of arguing over the solution they crack it. It’s confirmed with the bomb squad – like they even know what they’re talking about – and Tony makes his way back over to his suit as the hostages are cleared out, happy but still in shock.

And then he’s slapped in the back of the head, “I may be your personal guard, Tony, but I’m also your friend and teammate. This was a stupid thing to do.”

“I’m already going to get in trouble for this with Bucky do I have to do it with you, too?”

“Yes.” Natasha steps in front of him and puts her hands on her hips. “Even on routine jobs you always have backup. You always have two sets of eyes, Tony.”

“You showed up eventually.”

She sighs, “Only because you realized too late that you needed it. Tony,” she says, voice soft, “I know you’ve been through a lot and we still have shit to work through but you can’t risk yourself because of it. We have your back.”

“I get that.” Tony sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “Look, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t go by myself because of that consciously.”

_“We’re in the quinjet, leaving in five.”_ Bucky’s voice filters through their headsets.

“He’s pissed, isn’t he?” Tony mumbles.

Nat pats him on the shoulder and watches Tony get back into the suit, “Yeah, he is. We all kinda are.”

Tony groans.

“Tony, we already almost lost you once.” Nat says turning to lead him to the quinjet. “We don’t want that to happen again. We can’t lose you.”

“Yeah, ok.” Tony huffs, faceplate up so he can see, “I should thank Clint.”

_“I can hear you, asshole.”_ Clint pipes up. _“And you’re welcome. Now hurry up I wanna go home,_ someone _owes us pancakes.”_

Nat smiles at Tony and says, “I wouldn’t turn down some of those banana ones you make.”

“ _Heathen.”_ Clint says, _“Chocolate chip is where it’s at.”_

When they reach the jet and the doors open Tony makes eye contact with Bucky first. He looks exhausted, like the last half-hour has been more like a whole day. He waits, silent, while Tony gets out of his armor and stands close like he’s afraid Tony will disappear again.

“I should have gone with you. Sent Nat. Woken Steve. Anything. I should have done something. I _knew_ it would go wrong.”

Tony sighs, “It wasn’t your fault. Natasha, apparently a psychologist on top of being a spy, thinks I didn’t ask for help because I still don’t trust anyone.”

“You don’t trust me.” Bucky states instead of asks.

Tony looks at him, hard, “I trust you. I know I do. It’s just, god, it’s like a part of my brain hasn’t quite caught up with the message yet. So I thought I’d do it alone. In my defense, it did seem like it should have been easy.”

The last bit of armor falls away and Bucky immediately pulls Tony in and kisses him. He’s shivering a little, still in nothing but his pajamas, like he’d been too busy trying to get to him without dressing first. Maybe it’s a little bit of nerves, too. Tony feels bad in that moment.

“I’m sorry.” Tony pulls away and looks into Bucky’s eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m so messed up, so stupid. And we _just_ had that whole team talk.”

Bucky kisses him again and then pulls away, “You’re not stupid, Tony. We just obviously still have things to work through. This whole thing wasn’t going to be a one-and-done talk. Trust is built.”

“You’re so smart.” Tony says with a smile. “By the way, I heard you over the comms taking charge. You’ve got a leader’s heart, Bucky.”

“Or I was focused on bringing my boyfriend back home in one piece.” Bucky countered with a smile.

“That, too.” Tony runs a hand over his face, “So am I still in trouble?”

“Oh, yeah.” Bucky laughs. “Still very much in trouble. But let’s have breakfast first before we get to the psychological and emotional issues the team has. Maybe then we can even talk about training again.”

“I really didn’t mean to.” Tony tries.

“I know.” Bucky sits and pulls Tony down with him. “I’m not actually mad at you. More upset with myself and how things have affected you, I guess.”

“You don’t have control over how my brain works.”

Bucky laughs, breath warm as it ghosts over Tony, “No I do not. Nor will I ever pretend to even know _how_ it works.”

“I love you.” Tony says, curling up against him.

He kisses the top of Tony’s head, “I love you, too.”

“Oh my GOD.” Clint yells from the pilot’s seat. “Could you be any more gross and fluffy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was good and not bullshit. I needed an example of Tony still not trusting his team. Even if it was subconsciously through actions.
> 
> two chapters in one day though so yay for that. I do not know a lot about bombs but enough that you always want a failsafe. I am not allowed to do science in the house anymore. (For unrelated reasons that have nothing to do with bombs but still have to do with fire, projectiles, and plant seeds.)
> 
> STAY TUNED FOR:
> 
> A discussion about safety and trust with the team, Bucky meeting the surgeon for his arm re-attachment, Nat's talk with Pepper about the PR move, and Tony and Bucky bonding time!


	25. Taking Care of Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Team talks about trust and the buddy system, Bucky gets his new arm, and Natasha and Pepper talk.

The team has gathered over pancakes, fresh fruit, and coffee. Most of them looked tired, woken from sleep or pulled from training after Tony’s mission. Surprisingly, though, they don’t seem particularly upset. Tony figures most, if not all, of them understand what it’s like. Trusting other people, especially when it came to the nature of who they were or the jobs they had, was hard to do.

“This isn’t in anyway meant to be mean,” Bucky starts and Tony ducks his head, “but we do need to have a talk about safety.”

“I will reiterate that I did not _mean_ to do this.” Tony mumbles over his banana hotcakes. He hadn’t had much of an appetite but it’s hard to keep yourself from eating after what feels like already a long day.

Bucky puts his hand on Tony’s back and rubs circles, warm and soothing as he addresses Tony, “I know it wasn’t. That doesn’t make it any less of an issue though. It’s still something we need to cover.”

“We just need some ground rules. Accepted by everyone and adhered to.” Nat says, already close to a food coma after practically inhaling her banana pancakes. She’d used more cinnamon than usual on hers and she’d been going on non-stop about how that made them superior.

Bucky takes the lead, “On any mission, no matter how small, backup is _always_ required. I don’t care how mundane it seems- you need backup. So that things like what happened today don’t happen again. We are a team. We look out for one another.” He clears his throat and moves his hand from Tony’s back to his hand and squeezes, “I take the blame for this one, Tony. I should have gone with you or sent someone else.”

“It’s not your fault.” Tony squeezes back, “I told you I could handle it.”

“Yeah, but if I’m really going to lead this team then I need to start acting like it. I need to stay on top of things like this.”

“Aha!” Clint exclaims around a mouthful of chocolate pancakes. “You _do_ want to be team lead.”

Bucky shrugs, “I might as well. I swear, you all get yourselves in the worst trouble without even meaning to. It’s ridiculous.”

“So what do you propose?” Wanda pipes up, enjoying chocolate chip pancakes for the first time and loving them.

“I think that we should assign buddies. You have a buddy that you will always have with you on missions. That person is there to watch your six and vice versa. The buddy system will rotate so that everyone gets time with everyone else. My goal is to establish a better web of trust.”

“Strange but not bad.” Natasha tilts her head, still experiencing the phantom tumble of red curls. “It actually seems like a great way to get one-on-one time with people and still maintain a team dynamic.”

Bucky nods, “I also think it’ll make for a really good tactical model when we fight altogether. It’ll be harder to anticipate our moves as a team if they can’t get good insight from seeing our past fights.” Bucky is still holding Tony’s hand and seems to be ok forgoing eating to do so.

“It’ll be a good way for everyone to get intimate with one another’s techniques. We can perform better as a unit when we have that knowledge.” Sam says, taking a drink of orange juice.

Tony doesn’t miss the fact that Steve’s been looking at his and Bucky’s interlocked hands this whole time. Almost as if he’d read his mind, Bucky looks at Tony and offers him a smile with a shrug of his shoulders and just starts rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.

“So when do we start?” Steve finally asks, eyes moving to his plate.

“We’ll be starting tomorrow.” Tony interjects. “Because today Bucky’s getting his new arm.”

Everyone, including Bucky, looks surprised.

Tony barrels on, “The doctor I told you about is coming in today. Noon. He’s going to take care of this,” Tony gestures to the remains of Bucky’s old arm, “and replace it with your new one.”

“You’re serious?” Bucky says, somehow still surprised.

“As a heart attack.” Tony responds and brings their hands up so he can kiss Bucky’s hand. “There’s an observation room so I’ll be there, overseeing everything.”

“Didn’t think you’d do anything less.” Bucky smiles.

Wanda speaks up, “Observation? Can we all watch?”

“That’s up to Bucky.” Tony says, looking to him.

He smiles, “Yeah, why not? Team Building.”

-

Breakfast had been eaten and everyone had freshened up before filling the observation room. Tony and Steve both were there, in the operating room, to be with Bucky when he went under. It was sweet, in a way, to see the two come together for Bucky’s benefit. Steve still seemed a little tense any time Bucky or Tony touched one another but otherwise looked happy. As long as Bucky was happy he could be happy, too.

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” Tony says, kissing Bucky’s forehead and brushing the hair out of his face to tuck it under a cap. “We all will.”

Bucky smiles but it is a little brittle around the edges, “When I wake up.”

“Yeah, Buck.” Steve reassures with a firm hand to his shoulder. “And you get to pick dinner tonight.”

Clint pushes the intercom button and the operating room resounds with, “That’s not fair, it’s my turn.”

Bucky laughs, “You think every night is your turn.”

“It should be.” And it is all he gets out before Natasha takes care of him.

Tony grabs hold of Bucky’s hand, something that has been so natural anymore to do, and makes a point of looking into Bucky’s eyes. In that moment he does his absolute best to convey how he feels about Bucky. To let him know that he loves him.

“Last chance, cupcake.” Tony whispers. “If you don’t want this you don’t have to do it.”

“I do.” Bucky admits. “I want to have it back. I want to _feel.”_

At that Steve blushes and pats Bucky once more before ducking out of the room. The only person left besides the two of them is the doctor. Even though the observation room is filled with their friends Tony feels like this is something he needs to say no matter who hears.

“I love you.” Tony says, fervent and genuine. “And I’ll love you no matter how you look. Arm or no arm. I just wanted you to know that.”

“I know, Tony.” Bucky smiles and leans forward to whisper to Tony, “But I can do so much more with two than I can with one.”

Tony laughs and kisses him, hard and warm, “You tease.”

-

Steve meets Tony outside the operation room doors.

Bucky’s been put under. He’d been tense, still afraid of the implications that comes with being under the knife. Tony was there though until he had faded underneath the anesthesia. He’d looked so peaceful there. The worried, stressed lines of his face had smoothed out and Tony had been struck with how young Bucky had looked.

“Can we talk, Tony?” Steve asks, voice whispered like he’s afraid someone could hear.

Tony, a little jarred but willing, smiles, “Sure, Rogers. What’s on your mind?”

Steve shifts his weight and chews on his lip for a second, averting his gaze to gather his thoughts together.

“I just want you to know that Bucky’s important to me. I just want to ask you to do your best to not hurt him.”

“Wow.” Tony blinks. “This is the nicest shovel talk I’ve ever gotten.”

Steve smiles a little, “This isn’t a ‘shovel talk’, Tony. It’s just a question from one friend to another.”

“So we’re friends again?” Tony says, crossing his arms.

“We have been for a while. Before Siberia.” He sighs, “But I messed that up. So I don’t expect you to think you have to be anymore.”

Tony sucks his teeth and drops his arms, hanging his head for a second before looking Steve in the eye, “We’re friends, Steve. And yeah, you messed up. But I have, too. We’re working through it.”

Steve nods and Tony moves to staircase that leads up to the observation room. He makes it halfway up before he hears Steve clear his throat and say his name. He freezes, hand on the rail gripping tighter than he should.

“You’re important to me, too, Tony.” Steve’s voice doesn’t tremble and he sounds so sure in this moment. “I don’t want you hurt either. Not again.”

“Thank you.” Tony says over his shoulder. “That means a lot.”

Steve clears his throat and it feels like they’re at a weird impasse. Steve’s coming around. He’s doing what Tony can assume is his best and Tony has actually been in a place to meet him halfway. Their whole dynamic now is frail but is refreshingly honest. If Tony was just as honest with himself he’d say that it wasn’t something he’d imagined he would have again with Steve. It’s relieving to have it back.

“Come on,” Tony says, continuing up the stairs, “let’s see how Bucky’s doing.”

Steve follows him.

-

Bucky wakes up slowly.

For a split second he is terrified. He remembers surgeries, numerous and invasive, from his time as the soldier. They’re not complete memories but they flash through his mind’s eye enough to make anyone afraid. He’s still, as motionless as he can be on the bed, and takes stock of his surroundings.

He’s not tied down, the room is warm instead of cold, the voices around him are soft and in English. Everything is so completely different from what he remembers. So he opens his eyes.

His bed is surrounded, though at a fair enough distance to not be cloying, by the team. Tony and Steve are there, flanking him like they had before. Without thinking, Bucky reaches out to Tony and grabs his hand almost too tightly. Like he thinks it may not be real.

It is, though.

The whole scene solidifies and Bucky is so happy that he feels real tears gather at the corner of his eyes. Tony is looking into his eyes, face soft with a smile, and he can’t help but smile back. Even though he’s still groggy.

“How you feeling, sugar cookie?” Tony asks, voice quiet but strong.

“Super.” Bucky says, voice a little raw and lips chapped.

Steve takes that as his cue and brings a cup of water over. Instead of holding it to his lips, he holds it out to Bucky.

It’s a strange sensation. Bucky had problems with the phantom limb before. But now, as he raises that hand to take the cup, there’s actually something there to perform the task. Bucky marvels as he takes that cup from Steve and brings it to his lips, drinks, and sits it down. His arm shakes a little but it’s there. It’s so real and solid that he can’t help but look at it in wonder.

It’s one thing to see it on the table in the workshop but it’s something new altogether to have it attached. He lowers it to the blanket and marvels at the cotton he feels. The softness of the fibers has a whole new appreciation.

“I can’t believe…” Bucky tries and looks to the team with a watery smile.

They’re all looking back at him, sharing a smile and all looking so happy for him that it practically leaves him breathless. He’s struck then that this is _his_ team. These people are his family, and sure, there’s still trust to be built but they’re here. They saw him through this transition. After decades of being alone and forced to do the unthinkable now…now he has a group he can depend on. He has choices he’s allowed to make on his own.

“Thank you.” Bucky manages.

It’s a thank you to everyone. To the team as a whole and to Tony.

Tony.

He looks at Tony and pulls his hand to his face and nuzzles Tony’s palm. The man who has managed to change his life so completely. The man who has been there through the good and the bad, who was there for his nightmares and who was there for his dreams. This is the person Bucky’s fallen in love with so completely and intensely and probably still doesn't even know exactly how far gone Bucky is for him. This is someone who has given him choices and stood by him for each one he’s made.

“I love you.” Bucky says and he knows that he’s never going to stop saying that to him. And he’s never going to get tired of it either.

Tony beams, “Love you, too, sweet stuff.”

-

It’s getting close to what should be the end of her work day but unfortunately just can’t be. She has several forms to fill out by Monday so that they’re on time. She has multiple conferences to prepare for and not to mention one last meeting for the day.

Natasha.

Almost as if on cue the red head walks into her office on silent feet. Pepper’s thrown a bit, then, by her hair. She’d heard from Tony himself about the change but she couldn’t quite see her without her signature red locks. She looked to be almost a completely different person. Though, Pepper supposes, that’s a good skill to have in someone of Ms. Romanov’s field.

“Ms. Romanov.” Pepper greets with a nod. “A pleasure. How have you been?”

Natasha sits down in a chair across from her and crosses her legs primly, “I’ve been doing well, Ms. Potts, thank you.”

“Call me Pepper.” She allows, shifting paperwork out of the way and powering down her display.

Natasha shrugs, “Only if you call me Natasha.”

“Natasha, then.” Pepper smiles, “What can I do for you?”

Nat grins, “I’m not here because of Tony. That should come as some sort of relief.”

Pepper shrugs, “You say that but things have a way of circling back to him anyway.”

“True.” Nat leans back in her chair, “You’re right in a way. I’m here to talk about James Barnes.”

Pepper crosses her arms and leans back in her chair as well. The foot crossed over her knee involuntarily jiggling with nerves already. Except from the foot she has a rather good poker face. 

“You don’t like him.” Nat says rather than asks.

“On the contrary,” Pepper smiles, “I do like him. Let it be known, Natasha, I do not judge people for the things they do under duress. Barnes’ situation is complicated and awful. Things done while he was the soldier does not change my opinion of him.”

“So what is it, then?”

Pepper sucks her teeth and uncrosses her arms to fold her hands in her lap, “I know what his feelings are for Tony. I know that they’ve evolved into a relationship.”

“So you’re upset they’re together?”

“No.” Pepper smiles. “I’m actually quite happy for Tony. They have a lot in common and I believe they’re good for one-another.”

“Hmm,” Nat hums, “alright. Forgive me for the assumption.”

Pepper waves her hand, “No skin off my bones. Now, what is it exactly that Mr. Barnes needs?”

Nat figures the best way to get to the meat of it is to be as forward as possible. It’s always easier to get honest reactions out of people when they’re surprised. Besides, she knows that Pepper is a busy woman. The type of woman whose time is measured in seconds rather than minutes. And every second counts and is worth a pretty penny.

“We are trying to get him into the position of Team Lead. Steve recently stepped down as such and eventually would like to hand over his title as Captain America as well.”

Pepper looks shocked for half a second before she nods slowly, “And I assume that you’re here to ask for the use of SI’s PR department.”

“Yes.” Natasha confirms and leans forward a tad. “The goal is to introduce Bucky as a team member over time. Basically sell him to the public as someone they can trust. Prove to them that he’s someone _we_ trust. Eventually, the goal being that – if it is successful – Steve can hand over the mantle with less of an uproar and more general acceptance.”

“It’s going to take some doing but I can manage this.” Pepper chews on her cheek and then sighs, “I’m going to have to oversee this personally and vet out my PR department for any naysayers. This means new confidentiality forms, paying off certain journalists, possible new hires altogether.”

She’s thinking now. Natasha can see it as if the gears were literally turning. Nat agrees with Tony now that she’s seen it for herself. Pepper is the Tony of people. She’s a genius in her own right and shrewd.

“I’m yours to use if you need any help.” Nat finally says. “I may not do much spy work anymore but it’s not a muscle I want atrophied.”

Pepper nods, still distracted by her own thought process, “Yes that would be helpful, thank you.”

Natasha considers her for a moment and then says, “Would you like to join me for a drink? You could use the break, I can tell.”

Pepper gives her paperwork a forlorn look, “I’m worried these things will multiply if I leave them alone.”

Natasha laughs at that. The response isn’t a denial and if she were honest with herself she could use some time in the city, too. Tony was at home with Bucky and the rest of the team. She could give herself a night out. Besides, she was sure Bucky would keep him more than occupied.

“They’ll be there for you tomorrow. And you and I both know that you’re already more than prepared for tomorrow. All of this is extra, Pepper. Give yourself a break.”

Pepper eyes her for a moment, speculating, before she gives her a bright smile, “You know what? I think I would enjoy that very much. Give me a moment to freshen up and change.”

She disappears into a bathroom off of the office and closes the door. Natasha can hear her, faintly, open a closet and change into a new outfit.

“Please tell me we can turn drinks into a dinner. I’m starving.” Pepper says through the door.

Natasha smiles, “I know the perfect place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww they're all so cute. Look at them all being so positive and happy. It would be a shame if...something...happened.
> 
> Stay tuned for: Nat and Pepper's night on the town, training day and the first round of the buddy system, and Bucky and Tony's alone time.
> 
> Sorry for the late update. I'm sick and feel like shit. :D


	26. Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where most of my chapter is about food for some reason.
> 
> Natasha and Pepper talk, Bucky sets up the buddy system, and then more Bucky/Tony bonding.

The night is not young.

If anything it is in its late thirties and on a Wednesday night, no less. The city is always awake in one way or another but usually not in the way you’d want it to be. It is always the warm things that feel a little like home that are open late. Small dinners that offer coffee with a little extra kick to sip on over greasy string fries and a burger fresh off the grill.

Natasha finds that she likes these places the best. The ones where you can tell the regulars from those who just blow in off the street. Kids sitting together over shared plates of fries and giant milkshakes while they all stay late to study for an exam that they’re surprisingly over-prepared for. The whole atmosphere is that of people who work hard and have always worked hard for what amounts to scraping by.

If she’s going to leave a tip at any restaurant she prefers to leave it here. Because the way Natasha sees it, if her life hadn’t been a mess of brainwashing and spy work she’d have been right alongside these people. Working hard to make a living in a city that, while mostly unforgiving, still provides a rich tapestry of people barely making it. It’s not beautiful in that way, and she’s not romanticizing, but this part of town cranks out kids who are the salt-of-the-earth types. Hard and shrewd where it counts but also kind and warm when the time calls for it.

“Not the first place I’d thought you’d pick, though definitely in the top five.” Pepper says with a smile as they take their seats in a newly-washed out booth.

Natasha smiles, genuine, “The fact that you’d guess it at all is a feat.”

And it is. Because there’s only a few people she’s ever taken here before and none of them are the types to just let their mouths go. To have figured this at all shows Natasha exactly how observant Pepper is.

“It’s not hard to figure. It’s late, practically early morning and on a weekday. Barring any high-dollar bar and grills this was the next logical step. Not to mention I love this place.”

Natasha’s surprised for a moment. She’s been here plenty, though, cannot claim ‘regular’ status. But by chance she should have seen Pepper at least once. She considers the woman across from her who has forgone looking at the menu at all to nursing the coffee like a lifeline. She’s struck by it then: her outfit. She’d changed into a conservative blouse with little bits of embroidery across the collarbones along with a pair of what must be cotton pants. All in all she looks a bit like a slightly better dressed country bumpkin.

“Your files never said anything about your background.” Natasha states before looking the menu over again.

Pepper laughs, “Because there’s not much to say. I’m not from the city.”

“And yet here you are. CEO of Stark Industries and close to one of the richest and most intelligent men of our time.”

“You make it sound so ostentatious.” She sighs. “It’s not all galas and jewels. Most of it is late nights, paperwork, and fighting with the Board.”

“But you like it.” Natasha says rather than asks because she knows the answer.

Pepper laughs again with just the barest hints of hysteria, “I do. More like I’m not sure what I would do with myself if I did anything else.”

“Hmm.” Nat hums.

She knows how that feels. The idea of settling down always seems like heaven until it actually sinks in. Then you realize that you can’t handle the idea of someone else taking over the reins. It’s just a vicious cycle of micromanaging, doing it yourself, and praying for it to end.

Natasha changes gears, “What are you getting?”

“Same old thing. I’m awful at branching out.” She sets her cup on the end of the table, empty, waiting for a refill. “Steak and eggs. Rare and over easy. Side of hash browns with some wheat toast.”

“Hearty.” Natasha smiles.

She shrugs, “I like to spoil myself and I’m a sucker for the marinade they use here.”

The waitress comes over and fills their cups before smiling at Natasha, “What can I get you?”

“I’ll have what she’s having,” she gestures to Pepper, “except I like my eggs scrambled.”

The waitress nods, not having written anything down, and goes to enter in their order.

“I admire you.” Pepper says, suddenly.

Natasha lifts an eyebrow, “Oh?”

The atmosphere of the diner keeps the space open but the booths intimate. It’s a cozy place and Natasha realizes that eating here with someone else is always better. Whether it be Clint, Phil, Fury, and now Pepper. As someone who’s always been so alone Natasha finds herself beset on all sides by people she can honestly call friends.

“I’ve always had a thing for the underdogs. For the people who had things bad in one respect or another but have managed to turn things around.” She pauses to stir in a deathly amount of sugar and cream into her coffee and take a tentative sip. “I often find myself respecting those people more. Because, to myself at least, where they end up is so much more hard-won.”

“Everyone has something to overcome.” Natasha adds, feeling not quite uncomfortable but probably more like flustered.

Pepper just shrugs and takes another sip of coffee, “I suppose. And I’m not here to say that people’s experiences are comparable. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if it had been me I don’t know if I’d have made it.”

“You sell yourself short.” Natasha adds. “You’ve done so much. Not to mention your _being._ I’ve measured you, Pepper, over the last few years and have been surprised by what I’ve found. That’s a feat in it of itself.”

“Your coffee is getting cold.” Pepper says with a smile.

Natasha takes a sizable gulp and sets it back down, “You’re detracting. I want you to know this. You’re honest, firm but always gentle, your patience is astounding, and while you do have a temper I haven’t personally seen you lash out.”

“You realize you’ve just described yourself, right?” Pepper gives her a wicked smile like she’s managed to win an argument Natasha hadn’t known they were having.

“I…” Nat stumbles, obviously flustered now, “I don’t agree.”

“You don’t have to but that doesn’t really change my mind.”

Their meals come then and Natasha finds herself relieved. The both of them set a napkin in their laps in tandem and they unroll their silverware as their coffee gets refilled. Pepper thanks the waitress, Sarah, and they tuck in. The steak is heavenly, as Pepper promised.

“You know,” Pepper says around a mouthful with her hand covering her lips, “out of all of you, out of all of the Avengers, I have to say that you would have been my first choice.” She swallows and wipes her mouth before clarifying, “Barnes is good for Tony emotionally but you’re good for him in the way that you won’t let him get away with the shit he pulls.”

“Bucky is pretty good at it.” Natasha defends.

Pepper smiles and cuts into her eggs, dragging them through her hash browns, “That he is. But he’s a little soft. But you,” she shakes her fork at Natasha, “you can handle the personality. If you can round Mr. Barton up then you can handle Tony.”

“That’s fair.” Natasha says slowly. “I suppose.”

Pepper shrugs and gives her eggs a few hard shakes of Tabasco before handing the bottle to Natasha, “Try it.”

“There’s more to you than I originally thought.” Nat admits. “I seem to do that a lot lately.”

“There’s really not. But I’m willing to entertain you.”

Nat smiles and tries the Tabasco, “This whole evening has been entertaining.”

“I agree.”

-

“The first round is going to be based solely on complimentary abilities so we get the hang of things.”

Bucky is sitting in a chair on the far side of the gym. His arm is bandaged at the attachment site. He’s been put on strict orders for rest. The whole team has managed to get him to agree on just observation. The original idea had been bed rest but you can’t win them all.

The team stood in front of him, all excepting Vision and Wanda, though they would be added soon. Wanda herself had gone to coax Vision to the mansion. The two of them still had quite a bit to work through after the events before and after the fight at the terminal. Given the lives of the team Bucky considered the turnout to still be optimal.

“As boring as it may seem, the first round is to show your buddy all you have tactically. One will be on offense and the other defense. Tomorrow we’ll switch. I don’t want anyone to push themselves too hard for these exercises.”

Tony is there, at his side, and just marveling at Bucky’s leadership. His mind is sharp, quick thinking and always analyzing variables. He’s comfortable now, more than he was, with his new arm. His gait is slowly correcting itself and with a few months of physical therapy he should be back to normal. There was a lightness to him now. Almost as if each step he made was lifting a weight from his soul.

He’s cropped his hair short and he looks younger now, too. Clean-shaven and full of authority. Tony couldn’t help but realize just how in love he was with Bucky every time the man smiled or laughed. Every gesture, no matter how small, had Tony’s heart close to bursting. It was almost gross, as Clint says.

“Tony.” Bucky says, waving his right hand, “Are you with us?”

Tony shakes his head and offers a smile, “Yeah, sorry sweet cheeks.”

 “Good.” Bucky says with a sweet smile and a wink. “Stay with the class, yeah?”

“Sure, sure.”

“So my first set of groups are as follows: Clint and Sam, Steve and Nat, Vision and Wanda, Tony and Thor – when he gets here, and Bruce sidelined for Code Green. I’ll be calling the shots for now until my arm is operational. Any questions?”

Tony raises his hand, “What am I supposed to do, then?”

“I want you to work on blueprints for synchronizing your and Thor’s flight. Factor in Sam’s own fighting style and work around it.”

“So what’s the goal?”

Bucky grins, “I want you up there to assess the fight as a whole. Feed me the stats. Then you and Thor will orchestrate dive-bombing. Bring lightning down in the right places and work your repulsors on the right enemies. You both with work to take out leaders.”

“Can I just say that when you talk like this it really turns me on?”

“Save it for tonight, Tony.” Bucky gives him another wink before he stands, albeit a little shakily, and starts his walk around the large gym. “Get started. And try not to kill anybody.”

-

It was never exactly discussed whose room they’d end up in permanently. Tony and Bucky had spent equal parts out of their own rooms and while that had worked out initially they were at the point where they needed to just make a decision. It was then that Bucky realized exactly why Tony hadn’t already done it. He was _waiting_.

Tony was giving Bucky the time to make the choices. Plural. Because it wasn’t just whose room became _their_ room. It was also whether or not Bucky wanted to move on to that part of their relationship. Where they would both share a space.

He almost couldn’t believe it. Because all things considered, Tony was still having difficulties with trust. Bucky hadn’t, and would never, lie to Tony. Bucky knows that and as much as Tony _wants_ to believe it there’s a part of him that just can’t yet. And for no real fault of Bucky’s.

So this was a huge step for the both of them. Tony was actively trying his best to trust Bucky and Bucky was given that trust by way of choice.

So he chose.

It was late and Tony had missed dinner for what Bucky assumed was because he was in his workshop, but was informed by FRIDAY that he was, in fact, in his room. That worried Bucky a little because Tony had been doing so well lately to keep out of his room. In the beginning, he’d stayed there more often than not. Understandably, because of his mental health issues. And while those hadn’t been cured, he was slowly getting better with medication.

So Bucky ducked out of the after-dinner movie with the gang to bring up some re-heated Thai to Tony.

As per Tony’s instruction he entered with nothing more than a subtle tapping of his knuckles against wood – the first three notes to some guitar riff he liked. It was brightly lit, something that Tony always needed when he slept, and was in complete disarray. Clothes were strewn about, bed stripped, bathroom raided, and curtains closed tight to block out the stars.

“Tony?”

Tony’s head popped out then from the walk-in closet as he gave a slightly manic smile to Bucky.

“Hey, cupcake.” He grunts with the force of something and almost falls when it gives. “What’s up?”

Bucky walks into the room, avoiding stepping on anything, and sets the food down on the closest flat surface.

“You missed dinner.”

“Oh.”

“Do you wanna eat?” Bucky asks carefully while moving over to the closet.

Tony clicks his tongue, “You know what, yeah! I must of lost track of the time.”

Bucky stands there in the door of the closet and looks at the complete mess Tony’s managed to get himself into. Half of everything has been taken down: shoes, shirts, ties, pants, etc. It’s a sight to behold, for sure, and it hits Bucky suddenly that Tony’s preparing for something.

For him to move in.

“Do you want me to move in to your room?”

Tony looks to him sharply and then deflates, “No? Yes? Look, I just wanted to be prepared if you did. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t ready or whatever.”

Bucky barks out a laugh because this has to be one of the cutest, most adorable examples of chaos he’s ever seen. Tony gives him a look that almost borders on what could be anger but is quite. So he wades his way into the closet and pulls Tony into his chest, mindful of his tender arm.

“You’re obnoxious.” He laughs, chin resting on Tony’s head.

“I’m nervous, you ass.” Tony mumbles but there’s a smile in his voice.

Bucky kisses the top of his head and pulls away just enough to look into Tony’s eyes, “I’d like to move in here. There’s a lot of closet space.”

“There’s the exact same amount of closet space in your room.” Tony argues.

Bucky smiles, “In my _old_ room.”

“You’re sure?” Tony asks, voice quiet and a little brittle. “I didn’t mean to sway you.”

“I’m sure, short stuff. Yours is closer to the kitchen and your tv is bigger.” He laughs at Tony’s pinched look. “But it also has you in it. That’s the biggest pull, I’d say.”

“You’re a jerk.” Tony says and bites down on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky jumps, “A little warning next time!”

“I said you were a jerk.”

“I hope that’s not the only thing you say when you bite me.” Bucky says with a wink.

Tony groans, “You’re a tease.”

“You bit me!” Bucky defends.

“Want me to kiss it to make it better?”

“Now you’re the tease.” Bucky huffs.

Tony shrugs and practically burrows into Bucky’s chest. They stay like that for a little bit, Bucky swaying them back in forth in the middle of all the chaos, and it’s just so _nice_. It’s almost laughable, too, because it seems to speak volumes about their lives.

“I can’t wait until this arm heals.” Bucky finally says. “It’s getting hard to keep my hands to myself.”

“I have some ideas for things you can do one-handed.”

Bucky hisses, “The doctor said no strenuous activity.”

“I didn’t say _you_ would have to do any work.”

“Eat first. Seduce me later.”

“I can’t believe I’m being cock-blocked by food.” Tony pouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all have been so good to me. I promise we'll see some nswf stuff next. 
> 
> The biting thing may seem weird but my ex-girlfriend had this thing where she would just bite all the time. Affectionately. I didn't mind. 
> 
> (Author update: I have an upper-respiratory infection. Yay. Have to get tested for an AI disease.)
> 
> Stay tuned for: nsfw content, a movie night, a confession, and Wanda and Vision's talk.


	27. The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complete porn. NSFW. Porn with feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *warning*
> 
> NSFW. PWF. PORN.

“I’d say I won’t make a habit of forgetting to eat but I’m not gonna lie.”

Tony is sitting on the chaise lounge, _the fucking couch,_ and is steadily making his way through the Thai food Bucky had brought up for him. Bucky is laying on the bed with the blankets pooled around him while moving his metal hand across the warm, soft fabric. It’s incredible. He can tell that there is a difference, just the barest of change in the way his real hand feels and the metal. But it’s still so much more than he’s had in a long time.

“I’m ok making sure you eat.” Bucky gives him a smile. “You got stuff to do.”

Tony shakes his head, “Most of the time I do, yeah. But sometimes I need to get out of that place.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes. Ugh.” He sets down the finished Thai and moves over to the bed. “It’s like this: if I’m in the zone and getting stuff done, then yeah, being interrupted can really mess me up. It’s like I get into this place where I get hyper-focused. But sometimes when nothing is working, when I’m doing more harm than good, I need something else. I need the team – I need you.”

Tony crawls into bed and lays next to Bucky, resting his head on his shoulder. He runs his hand along Bucky’s arm before resting it in the middle of his chest. Tony can feel his heartbeat – strong and kicked up a bit with his touch. Tony kisses the bite mark he’d left, already healing itself, and snuggles close to Bucky. It’s a little overwarm, sure, what with Bucky being a human furnace but he’s willing to deal with it.

Bucky wraps his arm around Tony to rest his right hand on his hip, playing with the hem of Tony’s shirt. It was the strangest thing to Bucky, that Tony – at the end of the day – was so small. Anytime he thought of him or saw him in the suit or any other of the various things throughout the day he saw Tony doing he’d always seemed so much bigger.

Not in a bad way, of course, just in the way that Tony seemed to try and take up as much space as possible. Like he wanted people to see him fortified. The more inflated and outlandish he was, the more literal or figurative armor he had, the more he could protect himself. So it was something to have him curled up here next to him - looking for all he is like he’s finally _himself_ , and it just fills Bucky’s heart near to bursting.

“And today you needed something else?” Bucky squeezes Tony and kisses the top of his head when Tony nods. “Well, I’m glad I came up then.”

“Me, too.”

“You’re cute like this.” Bucky smirks, rubbing his hand up and down from Tony’s ribs to his hips.

Tony scoffs, “I’m not cute.”

“Beautiful, then.” Bucky argues.

“That makes me sound like I’m out of some harlequin novel.”

Bucky hums, “What am I supposed to say, then?”

“You could say ‘handsome’, ‘hot’, or call me ‘godly in appearance’.”

“Are you saying you want me to worship you?”

Tony laughs and in one swift move swings his leg over and slides around in Bucky’s grip to sit on his lap. Bucky’s hands move to Tony’s hips almost like they’re magnetized and he’s blinking in surprise. Tony’s looking far too smug.

“I’d rather worship you, sugar.” Tony says with a little roll of his hips. “You’re practically carved from granite.”

With that, Tony runs his hands up Bucky’s stomach, marveling at his cut abs, and pushes him back gently into the bed. He has Bucky’s full attention. The whole evening melts away and suddenly it’s just him and Tony. He’s halfway to taking Tony’s shirt off when he remembers that he needs the rest.

“Tony,” he swallows, mouth suddenly dry, “doc said-“

“I know what the doctor said.” Tony smiles and takes his shirt off himself before helping Bucky out of his own, gingerly. “He said _you_ needed to take it easy. That just means I get to do all the work.”

“I wanna touch you, though.”

Tony shrugs, “So do, babe. You have an arm that isn’t out of commission.”

“But,” Bucky starts.

Tony’s testing his patience with slow, well-timed rolls of his hips and the way his fingernails are raking just on the side of painful down his chest. Bucky’s gritting his teeth and finds that closing his eyes doesn’t help shut out the sensations.

“But,” Tony laughs, “I’ve been wanting this forever now. And if I’m right,” he says, grinding down hard and extra slow, “you have, too.”

Then Tony stops all at once and brings his hands up to Bucky’s face. He stares at him for a moment, assessing, and offers a soft smile.

“If this isn’t something you want to do, though, let me know. Consent is a kink of mine, I swear.” Tony clears his throat and leans in to kiss Bucky’s forehead, “Just let me know.”

Bucky groans, “Yeah, god, Tony I want it. Christ, just. Please.”

Tony beams and moves to trail kisses down Bucky’s jaw to his neck, making sure to bite down lightly at the juncture of his neck and right shoulder. Bucky jumps, just a little and his hands clench Tony’s hips.

“Here’s my thought:” Tony starts, nuzzling into Bucky’s neck to breath into his ear, “we use the stoplight system. Green to keep going, yellow to slow down, red to stop.”

Tony slides his hand down Bucky’s exposed chest, glides it teasingly over his stomach, and plays with the elastic band of his sweats. He’s kissing him now and Bucky just sighs. Each time they kiss Bucky can’t believe how lucky he is. This man, beautiful and so damn intelligent, had not only chosen him but had _forgiven him._ He’d looked past the Soldier and seen him for who he was now.

Bucky pulls away to just rest his forehead against Tony’s, breath heaving in his chest already, and somehow even more star-struck.

“What light are we at?”

“Green.” Bucky says, rushed. “You?”

“Super green.” Then he laughs. “We’ve got to watch that movie.”

Bucky laughs and steals another kiss. It slow and deliberate, something that they’ve not had a lot of recently. Kisses anymore had to be stolen ones, quick and just on the right side of proprietary with the team being here. But this one, so sweet and goddamn _lovely_ , makes Bucky feel like he’s really here. That this is him and no one else.

He can taste the Thai on Tony’s lips and the spice that lingers in his mouth. Each breath sounds labored like both of them are already ruined and Bucky can’t help but think it’s true. Tony’s a dream. Somehow managing to be all teeth and tongue at the same time.

“Do you know,” Tony says, pulling away just enough to lick his lips and speak, hot air puffing between them, “that you drive me crazy? All of you. Everything from the cut of your jaw to the amount of just _good_ you have in you?”

Bucky laughs and slides his right hand up from Tony’s hip to rub circles in his back, “I really don’t.”

“That’s the thing.” Tony smiles, “You’re perfect and you don’t even know it.”

“No one is perfect.”

“Matter of opinion.” Tony shrugs, “You’re perfect to me.”

He begins sliding down Bucky, lips leaving a warm, tingling trail in their wake. Little nips and sucked bruises blooming in a pathway that Bucky wishes could stay. So that maybe he could look at them for days.

“You’re too good for me.” Tony whispers almost to himself.

“You’re,” Bucky wets his lips and arches his back into the harsh sucking Tony’s doing to his hip, “you are so much more than you think, Tony.”

Tony responds by suddenly mouthing the hard line of his dick through the cotton of his sweats.

“Oh, god.” He rasps, already breathless.

“Close enough.” Tony snarks before raking his fingers down Bucky’s chest, catching his nipples in the process, making him hiss.

His fingers are dancing along the hem of his pants again and Bucky’s already having to clutch his hands around fistfuls of duvet.

“Green?” Tony asks.

“Shit.” Bucky takes in a deep breath, “Green, yeah.”

“How’s your am?”

Bucky groans and rolls his hips, searching for that friction again, “Green, it’s all green. Just…please.”

“I love this whole pleading thing.” Tony says with a smirk but there’s that slight warble and breathlessness to it that lets Bucky know just how ruined he is right now.

Gently, almost as if he was doing his best not to jar his left arm, Tony pulls his pants down. His dick comes free, bobbing in the soft lamplight of the room up towards his stomach. Tony’s hands stop, pulling the fabric down just enough to be comfortable before running his hands up to run along the V of his hips.

Bucky can’t look away. He’d thought about embarrassment, worried that his scars would keep him from ever really being able to enjoy having a lover again. But here was Tony, unfazed and looking at Bucky like he was a gift from god. And then Tony wets his lips and the look he gives Bucky has his dick twitching.

Tony doesn’t tease, not much more than he already has, anyway, and wraps a firm, calloused hand around him. Better than any of his fantasies, Tony makes eye contact from underneath the fringe of his eyelashes while pressing the flat of his tongue along the head of his dick in one long, drawn-out lick.

Christ, he’s not going to last long.

Bucky’s right hand finds its way into Tony’s hair just as he takes the whole shaft in one go. His hand clenches, pulling almost too hard, and he arches off the bed with a frankly pornographic moan. Tony’s right along with him, eyes closing as he moans around his dick, head pressing into Bucky’s palm.

It’s incredible.

Things become a little cloudy. Tony’s moving his head up and down, humming when Bucky pulls on the strands in his hair, and hand twisting at the base when he makes the move to play his tongue along the head. His tongue doing amazing things with the tip. He’s gagged a time or two and when he does Bucky lets up with his hand and just watches Tony work.

When they make eye contact again Tony can’t help but wink and Bucky feels himself laughing before he can stop it. Tony hums around his dick and Buck’s laugh ends with a moan. He was right, though, he isn’t going to last much longer. He can feel that pleasant knot building and with each bob of Tony’s head and curve of his tongue Bucky can feel something in him being pulled taut.

“Tony,” he’s breathless, “Tony, I…I’m gonna.”

Tony gives his mouth a break and pulls off with a pop but keeps his hands working, “Come for me, baby. Let me see you come.”

He goes to keep sucking, even though his jaw is killing him, when Bucky stops him.

“I want,” he licks his lips, “I want you to…with me.”

Tony smiles up at him and it’s blinding. Bucky tries to breathe deep and fails to keep the needy moan from slipping out when Tony lets go of him altogether. It’s a bit of a mess, getting them both completely naked. There’s a couple of curses when Tony can’t seem to kick off his pants and they both laugh while he slips Bucky’s pants off the rest of the way. He then manages to find the lube in the bedside table without falling out of bed.

It feels so natural and just, well, _perfect._

But then Tony is sitting in his lap again, naked and looking completely glorious while he squirts a generous amount of lube in his hand and wraps a hand around both their dicks. God, it’s almost better. It _is_ better now that he sees Tony, in all his glory, naked. The lamp light and the arc reactor both casting shadows along the tanned, scarred expanse of skin. Bucky has to remind him to keep his left hand down but he lets his right hand wander.

Tony has a blush across the bridge of his nose that highlights the freckles he has there and Bucky is struck then, while Tony is pumping his hand and moaning almost in tandem with him, that he needs to kiss him when he goes over the edge.

So he pulls Tony down, the angle a little strange but not uncomfortable, and kisses him hard. He makes sure to thread his fingers in Tony’s hair to give it a little pull just to feel his moan reverberate in his own mouth.

“Bucky.” Tony groans and it sounds like he may have something to say but can’t quite.

Bucky pulls back and they breath harshly together, “Green?”

“So green, oh my god. Baby,” Tony hisses in a breath when Bucky tugs on his hair again, “God, just keep doing that, I’m already close.”

When they come, they don’t quite go together but it’s close. Bucky’s first, completely worn out but in the most comfortable haze. He helps Tony crest then, handful of hair pulling Tony’s head to the side while he bites and sucks his way up Tony’s neck to the underside of his jaw.

He whispers, then, hot and almost like a purr, “I love you.”

With that, Tony is completely gone. Warm come spurting between them, mingling with Bucky’s own. He moans, and then sighs, head dropping down onto Bucky’s chest. Tony’s completely wiped out and Bucky’s feeling about the same way. Exhausted but just so full of bliss.

“I love you, too.” Tony says, getting a little more comfortable. “You’re amazing.”

“I pretty sure you were the amazing one here, baby.” Bucky laughs, rubbing Tony’s back.

Tony just laughs, “Call it a draw. God, I’m tired.”

Bucky realizes that he is, too, and yawns.

“Do you wanna get cleaned up before sleep?”

Tony rolls out of bed and stands on shaky legs, “Lay there, sweet stuff, I’ll take care of it.”

He comes back with a wet washcloth and a fresh pair of pants. It’s sweet to be taken care of like this and Bucky is struck again by just how lucky he really is.

“I love you.” He says again.

Tony smiles and puts a long sleeve shirt on and a pair of fresh boxers, “So you’ve said. I love you, too.”

When all is said and done Bucky pulls Tony in to curl at his side, “What if I just like saying it?”

“Well, I’m never gonna stop you.” Tony says, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first ever porn scene. I hope it's ok. Sorry it's taken so long I've had a rough few days and honestly working through porn for the first time was hard, too. Let me know what you think and if you have any pointers. 
> 
> We'll get to the movie night, confession, and Wanda and Vision's talk next. Sorry, ya'll.
> 
> I'm so tired anymore that it's a big to-do just to get out of bed.


	28. What I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night reveals some important things, plans about Bucky move forward, and Wanda sees Vision.

“I’ve ordered us all wings and fries. I’m guessing you’re all ok with your usual?”

Tony’s met with a chorus of affirmation. The team is gathered together in the living room. Seating is abundant and taken advantage of. Most everyone is stretched out, tired and sore but happy, around the room. The lighting is soft but still on and Clint is sitting in front of an almost criminally massive entertainment center clicking his way through Tony’s massive movie list.

He takes a seat in his spot at the far back corner of the room and whips a large, comfy afghan out from a wicker basket beside the end table. Bucky is helping Louise bring down their large group’s meal. His arm is a little sore still, sure, but he takes it in stride just to have an arm to use again.

“I was thinking about ‘Fifth Element’ the other day. Whatcha think?” Tony asks Clint while he cuddles up, blanket pulled to underneath his chin.

Clint shrugs, “Not a bad choice. I haven’t seen it in a while. Alright, show of hands: who’s seen it?”

Besides Clint and Tony it seems that Sam is the only other one who’s seen it.

“I could always watch it again.” He says, propped up in the opposite corner of the couch.

Bucky comes in with Louise close behind. Food is doled out while Clint cues up the movie. Tony flips the blanket over and pats the empty space next to him. Bucky taking up that space feels natural and comfortable. Whenever Tony sees Bucky he’s reminded by how happy he makes him. He’s always struck with how pleased he is just to be around him.

“Tony,” Wanda pipes up from her claim on a massive recliner that makes her look like a child, “I was hoping to make my way over to Stark Tower soon to speak with Vision. I wanted to gain your opinion on that.”

Tony tilts his head and considers. Vision and Jarvis are not the same in the most painful of ways. Vision was completely autonomous and did as he felt he should. Similar only in voice and memory. All that considered he knew that Vision was an Avenger and he did feel the compulsion to use his abilities to help and protect those who needed it. Not to mention his apparent draw to Wanda.

He imagined it would be a good idea. Vision needed to be updated on Avenger’s business and Wanda was probably the best as far as Tony knew to update the man. The media had been relatively silent on Wanda’s part. Bucky’s introduction into the Avengers had been taken multiple ways, not all of them nice. Tony couldn’t see why Wanda should have a problem.

“I think it should be ok. People are still wrapped up in the latest gossip on the Soldier. I’m sure Vision would like a visit.” Tony pops a fry in his mouth and practically swallows it whole. “I could send you in one of my cars if you’d like.”

Natasha speaks up then, “I’m actually making my way to Stark Tower in the morning. You could ride with me if you like.”

“That’d be lovely, thank you.” Wanda smiles and sighs, relieved.

“Since we’re obviously having a pow-wow before we start the movie I think it’s time to bring up my shit.” Clint moves to sit on the floor with his back between Natasha’s legs. “I can’t stay here all the time, guys. I have a family.”

The statement is general but seems to be directed at Bucky more than anyone else. The room goes quiet and Natasha notices that now most everyone has been looking to Bucky for the answers. Their natural response now is to gain answers from him. She smiles.

“What were you thinking?” Bucky asks, genuinely wanting to know his teammate’s decision.

It’s Sam that speaks up, “Clint and I have gone over this, actually, since we’re battle buddies right now or whatever. I stay in the mansion and translate planning and such to Clint and then once a week I go out to the farm and run drills with him.”

Bucky nods, “That works. Are you sure you’re ok with that schedule, Sam? Does that give you enough time with Rhodey?”

“Oh, um.” Sam actually blushes and Tony’s eyebrows meet his hairline. “Look, Tony, he was gonna ask you himself but I guess now is as good a time as any. Rhodey is looking to move into the mansion. In my room. With me.”

Tony couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t shocked. He’s never once known Rhodey to move in with a significant other. Even the ones he’d seriously considered marriage with he’d kept himself sequestered. It was easy to tell the Colonel had commitment issues. So this was a surprise.

“Yeah, no, that’s great. Cool, cool, cool.” Tony’s brain is a tad short-circuited but he’s thrilled.  

Bucky chuckles, “It all sounds good to me.”

“Anyone else?” Clint asks to the room.

“I’m staying.” Bruce adds.

“For real?” Tony asks, practically vibrating with excitement.

Bruce sighs, “For realsies.”

“Amazing.” Tony smiles.

Clint sighs and raises the controller, “Last call. Three, two, one.”

They start the movie.

-

“I’m proud of you.”

It’s the first thing Wanda hears when she enters the car. It’s early morning and the sun hasn’t quite made its way into view yet. The grass is wet with dew, sparkling, and her shoes had crunched against the gravel under her feet.

The car they’re taking is unassuming but still nice. Natasha is driving it herself, allowing Wanda to sit in the passenger’s seat. It’s nice. The whole thing feels like a quiet, safe ride instead of a prisoner transfer.

“Why?” She asks, genuinely curious.

Natasha smiles and starts the car, “You’ve made great strides, sestrichka. You are good and being a good person isn’t easy. These things are hard.”

“I suppose.” Wanda says, unsure of the direction of the conversation as well as the word Natasha had called her.

They turn out of the mansion’s drive and make it onto smooth back road. It’s beginning to get a bit chilly but Nat has both windows down, relishing in the brisk morning air. Wanda can’t say she minds, though she pulls the long sleeves of her cardigan over her hands.

“I see myself in you. Circumstance has shaped you. Heartbreak and revenge can fuel someone for ages. And while you weren’t on the right path at first you still managed to find your way back. Doing so takes courage and humility.”

Wanda sees what she means now, “Stark deserved my forgiveness. That doesn’t make me good.”

“You cannot quantify moral good based on individual instances. It is a lifetime of making the right choices, of doing your best to do the right thing based on the information you have. It’s about learning, broadening your mind and taking your own moral inventory.”

Wanda looks out the window and sees the sun peeking over the horizon. Splashes of pink and yellow begin to take over the sky. It’s gorgeous. She realizes now that she needed to get out of the house for more than seeing Vision. She needed this for herself, too.

“And you see these things in me?”

“Yes.” Natasha looks at her for a moment and then back at the road. “You’re trying. You will learn. No one just _becomes_ good overnight, Wanda. It’s something you have to actively work at becoming. And I see _that_ in you.”

The rest of the ride is done so in silence. But it is a comfortable one. Natasha feels at ease, one hand on the wheel while her elbow rests on the open window. Wanda sits, breeze whipping her hair around her face, and realizes that she’s happy.

She’s smiling for the rest of the trip.

-

Steve has been quiet.

He’s done his best to keep his thoughts to himself lately. Not because they’re necessarily bad but because he’s trying to train himself to think before he speaks. It is a hard thing to do, for sure, but so much more worth it when he can work through his emotions before laying them out.

For the last couple of weeks he’s found himself initially irrationally angry. In part at himself for what his actions have wrought but also from things he can’t control. Like Bucky and Tony’s relationship.

He’d thought it would be easy to live with and in ways it is. He likes to see Bucky happy. Not only that but seeing Tony alive and here every day was a blessing to witness. Because he’d be lying if he said nightmares didn’t plague his nights. There are days when he has to make sure multiple times that Tony is still here. Sometimes it’s not just Tony, either. It’s both him and Bucky.

If he could admit it, though, he’d say that his frustration stems from something completely different. He had loved Tony. In that weird way that the heart can - no matter what the mind wants. Because even before Steve had found Bucky again the idea of another man in his life had felt like a betrayal. So loving Tony had been something he’d secreted away.

But here he was now: he had Bucky back and Tony alive but almost as if it was some large, cosmic joke he couldn’t have either of them.

He tried not to think of it that way. He had a lot of stuff to unlearn and new things to learn.

So he’s happy. When he’s had time to think and really go over it, sure, he’s happy. The two people in his life that he’d loved were together and were doing well. It’s not ideal for him but at least they’re having the greatness they deserve.

Bucky is the person Steve wishes he himself could be. Strong, smart, analytical, and responsible. Just a few of the things he was that made him the leader they deserved.

So now Steve was focused on figuring out how best to be a team player. His concern was what, exactly, he had to bring to the table. He needed to talk to his buddy. So he started his day with a workout and waited patiently for Natasha to come home.

-

“Natasha.” Pepper greets and Nat’s a little surprised by the tone. It sounds pleased and Nat can count on one hand the people she’s known that have actually been happy to see her.

She tries her best to convey her own happiness when she says, “Pepper. I hope you’ve had a good morning.”

“It’s not even office hours and I’ve already been in for three.”

Nat winces but offers her a smile while she brings up a plastic bag and a drink carrier that clunks on Pepper’s desk. Natasha had taken Wanda in for coffee and breakfast before they came to the tower. Both women had made sure to get enough for their respective meetings. And Natasha knew, as spies usually do when it comes to people of interest, exactly how Pepper takes her coffee and what her favorite breakfast foods are.

So when Pepper opens the bag and lets out a gasp followed by a pleasant hum Natasha just smiles.

“You spoil me.”

Natasha shrugs, “You deserve to be spoiled.”

Pepper seems a little shocked at the statement but decides to take an experimental sip of her coffee before leaning back in her chair.

“So, I’ve been working with the PR department and have already talked with a journalist to be the first to cover my initial move.”

Pepper is all business and Natasha shifts into the same frame of mind. Pepper is a busy woman and while it’d be nice to be more relaxed they both have jobs to do.

“So what is your first move?”

She takes another drink and warms her hands on the cup for a moment, “Hiring James as a consultant for our security team.”

“That’s a good idea.”

And it is. Bucky has all of the skills that the Soldier had and while Bucky is wholly different now, he’s still an asset. Though, Natasha’s loath to use that term.

“You sound surprised.”

“Not at you.” Nat laughs. “More at myself for not thinking of it. So what’s the spin?”

Pepper smiles, “No spin. Just cold hard facts. I don’t want anyone to be going back through our moves and exploiting weakness. If we’re to build trust with the public it has to be built with honesty.”

“Perfect. So what does he need to do?”

“I need him to come in for an interview with myself and my board of directors.” Pepper winces a little. “It may be a close call but I carry most of the weight anyway. They don’t have to like him and they don’t have to approve whomever I choose to hire. But I need a hundred percent transparency.”

“When works best with you?” Nat asks, taking her own first sip of her second coffee that morning.

“Inform him of my decision and let me know what he thinks, first.” Pepper pauses for a second and then actually looks a little unsure of herself. “Then let me know. Maybe over dinner? My treat.”

Natasha beams, “That sounds lovely.”

-

It’s quiet between Vision and Wanda for what feels like forever but he knows to be simply three minutes. There’s cooling coffee between them and pastries left uneaten.

Wanda clears her throat, “Do you like Danishes? They’re quite good even if they’re a little too sweet.”

“Oh, yes. Well, no, I’ve not had one before but I’m sure they’re lovely.”

He picks one up, almost gingerly, and takes a bite. Wanda’s mesmerized by Vision still. His entire being is a miracle. He’s still human. She’s heard people say things like _cyborg_ before but the truth of the matter is that Vision is actually a synthetic human. And, like her, has certain abilities. But like any other person he can eat, drink, breathe, etc.

He manages to be completely human and in-human at the same time.

Wanda picks up her own and begins eating it. Stark Tower didn’t hold the same feeling that the mansion did. It was impressive, that’s for sure, but it wasn’t warm like home was. Though, that’s probably why she feels that way. The mansion is home for her. This place and others will pale in comparison.

Vision sets his Danish down and wipes his hands before looking Wanda right in the eyes, “I did not mean to hurt you, Wanda. I shouldn’t have tried to keep you here.”

She looks away from him for a moment and chews on the inside of her cheek. The memory of that day still brings tears to her eyes.

“I should not have done what I did to you.” Wanda says, voice brittle around the edges. “You are important to me and I used my power against you.”

“I understand why.” Vision tries.

Wanda sniffles and looks back to him, “That doesn’t make it alright. I have learned things since then. Valuable lessons for myself and others. You deserve my apology. I just do not know how to convey that to you.”

“We both have things to be sorry for. We both seek to make things right.” He looks out the window then and his eyebrows pinch together. “Maybe things cannot be fixed. That is the nature of the past. But maybe we can show our recognition of our failings by altering our actions in the future?”

“Yes, I think so. I have heard this before.” Wanda says, smiling before chewing on her lip. “Why did you try to keep me here, Vis? I need to know.”

“I thought it was for the best. I was worried about you.”

Wanda nods and smiles when he looks at her again, “I appreciate that, in a way. But I want you to know that I need to be the one that decides what is best for myself. Do not take my decisions from me.”

Vision nods, skin glinting in the morning light, and he reaches out across the table to put his hand there, palms up. It’s such a strange look, though not the weirdest of things Wanda has seen in her life. It’s sweet. And she couldn’t lie to herself and deny that she’d missed him.

So she reaches out and takes his hand, marveling in the fact that his hand is warm like her own but his skin seems to change with every moment, altering constantly.

“You are,” he pauses to search for the word, “special to me, Wanda. It is confusing to work through those feelings, the protectiveness, and still give you the chance to handle things yourself. But I understand now and promise that from now on I will be there to support you instead. I can just _be._ ”

Wanda smiles and squeezes his hand, “I will do the same for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotionally draining. How do people emote this much without dying??
> 
> I didn't think y'all would get this tonight. I almost didn't make it. But here we are! 
> 
> Stay tuned for: Steve and Natasha's talk, Bucky's meeting with Pepper and the Board, Tony and Rhodey talking about a ring, and Bucky's fan mail.


	29. Feelings and Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Natasha talk, Bucky meets the Board, and Rhodey shows Tony a ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this little story that wasn't supposed to be more than a few thousand is officially a monster. This story is the first in a series. Pre-OT3. I'm making my way through a side-quel (not a word) that is about Rhodey and Sam. This series will be heavily focused on emotions, building trust, friendship, insecurities, etc. So strap in. It's gonna be a while. Eventual OT3. Like waaaay later. Outlines have been drawn up. The fic gods have decided.

Steve knows the moment Natasha is home.

She comes home without Wanda. Not a surprise, really. Steve isn’t completely blind, he knows that Wanda and Vision have something and it takes every ounce of his being not to go into some sort of protector mode. Not in any bad way, of course, but more like as if he was her older brother.

Like Pietro.

His goal today is to talk with someone that isn’t Bucky or Tony about the feelings he’s been having. Because all things considered he does still love Bucky and Tony very much. The whole business is more aggravating than confusing, so he could use some additional insight. He trusted Natasha to be objective. She had helped him so much over the last couple months to become a better man.

She’s not without fault, that’s true. And he doesn’t think that maliciously. It’s an observation, much like his own faults. But what he does know is that she has far more experience than he does and it would be a crime in it of itself if he didn’t take advantage of that knowledge.

“Thinking awful hard, Steve. You need to let some steam out before you explode.”

For the first time ever he’d known she was coming and just offers her a smile, “That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I was hoping to get your opinion on some things.”

Natasha looks surprised for a moment. It’s definitely growth, emotionally, for Steve to come to her. For what feels like forever she’s had to bring his attention to things forcefully. It takes a lot to get someone to think outside of themselves. Steve’s obviously making strides.

“You wanna sit on the veranda with me? It’s a lovely day.”

Steve shrugs and follows her out. The space is beautiful. The whole thing looks out over the south lawn. Gorgeous gardens and clean-cut hedges line the property. It’s spotted with small ponds and a few fountains. He’s almost sure he sees a cat, fat and orange, skitter by. His fingertips itch with the compulsion to sketch.

“The cat is mine.” Natasha admits as they take their seats in wicker chairs adorned with comfy cushions. “Thelma has been spoiling her.”

“She looks spritely enough.” Steve pauses. “Though, she’d have to be if she was yours.”

Natasha just shrugs before kicking her feet up onto another chair and leaning back, hands laying across her stomach. Her whole pose is very relaxed and Steve realizes that Natasha _is_ relaxed. If he had of thought on it at all it would make sense. The Avengers, the team, everyone was family. That family had been broken, shattered into pieces, but now they were coming back together. She’s happy.

“So, what’s on your mind?”

“I’ve got a few things. Can we address them one at a time?”

She nods, “Sure.”

So he tells her. Starting with his insecurities about the team. Everyone else seems to have fallen into an easy mode with each other again. It’s a little strained, sure, but better than it had been. Bucky was already doing well as Team Lead and things just kept lining up.

But he feels left out in the cold a bit. A figure of speech he quickly squashes given both Tony and Bucky’s past experiences.

“I’ve had a lot of growing to do.” Steve sighs, knuckles rapping on the glass of the table. “I still do. I know. But I feel like I’m out on the edges here. I want to do better. I want to be a working part of this but I just don’t know how.”

Natasha considers him, chewing on the inside of her cheek before kicking her feet off the chair and leaning forward, arms resting on the table. Hair or no, she still strikes an intimidating figure. She carries a lot with her. Good and bad.

“You are a working part, Steve.” Natasha sighs and runs her hand over her cropped hair. “I know what that feels like. I know that insecurity. But you have to believe me. You are a part of this team.”

Steve leans back and crosses his arms. His initial response is to be bitingly defensive. So he breathes in, then out, and thinks for a second. He knows she’s right but the feeling still nags at him. So instead of challenging her he decides to just ask.

“So why do I feel this way?”

Natasha smiles, obviously pleased, “You’re going to feel that way for a while. It’ll come and go, too. No one ever feels one-hundred percent together, Steve. Hell, I feel the same way sometimes.”

“But why?”

“Because,” she sniffles, eyes darting to the side when her cat comes up to her. She clicks her tongue twice and the orange fluff makes a surprisingly deft leap into her lap. “Because you’ll do things that upset each other. We’re a team. We’re _family_. It’s how it goes.”

Steve sighs, “I don’t think so.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” He shifts in the chair and the wicker creaks. “I don’t feel like I’m a part of that at all.”

She pets the cat and Steve can hear it purr clearly. She looks content, eyes shut and slanted, mouth almost curled into a smile. Her tail flickers slowly back and forth while Natasha alternates between long pets and scratching her nails around her ears.

“Elaborate.” And it’s all Natasha says.

The cat opens one eye to take a look at Steve and closes it promptly, “I guess I haven’t felt like I’m a part of the team at all. Not since Bucky left with Tony after Siberia.”

“I don’t understand.”

Steve sighs again, wishing he could articulate himself better, “You’re right. The team is a family. It was divided but now it’s coming together again. But I feel like I was lost in the shuffle. Like the split knocked me loose.”

Natasha narrows her eyes at Steve for a moment before looking out to the garden. Her hand stills for a moment too long and the cat meows up at her pitifully. She seems to shake herself loose and resumes her work petting the cat.

“You’re here.” She begins. “You were invited here, Steve. Remember?”

“Yes?” He says, confused.

She smiles, “Why would Tony extend that invitation to you if you weren’t still apart of the team – if you weren’t still a part of this family?”

“I just – I don’t know.”

“Tony still sees you as a part of the team. Bucky, too.” She pauses to watch her cat leap out of her lap and rush into the bushes after a squirrel. “Rebuilding the trust will take time but I don’t think either of them ever really stopped seeing you as family. You’ve hurt them both and in different ways but you’re still here.”

Steve thinks for a minute. Natasha’s right. He can see that now. It would have been easy to deny Steve the right to come back. Tony would have had all the support he needed to keep Steve away. But he didn’t. He’d let Steve come back.

Natasha starts again, “I don’t think that Tony forgave you when he first had you come. I think that was more in part because he wanted the team to be together and he saw you still as an integral part. But you’ve made progress. You’ve re-established a baseline of trust.”

“You don’t think he’s actually forgiven me?”

“It’s not that.” She leans back and looks up at the roof, eyes going over something he can’t see. “Forgiveness isn’t a one-and-done deal, Steve. There’s levels. There’s going to be hiccups. There’s going to be times when you take two steps back instead of one step forward. It’s going to be an uphill battle.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there.”

Natasha smiles, “But, there’s going to be good times. There’s going to be progress if you just keep working at it. Because even though it’s rough now, Tony’s obviously trying, too. You just have to be patient.”

“I know.” Steve whispers.

Natasha leans forward and grabs his hand, squeezing once, “You’re still a part of this family. You’re _my_ family, Rogers. And while you can be a pain in my ass, I still love you and want you to be happy.”

She squeezes his hand once more before letting go and kicking back in her chair again. Steve feels infinitely better than he had. It was nice to hear Natasha’s support.

“So,” she asks, sighing before giving him a smile, “what’s the next thing we need to work through?”

There’s no roundabout way to say it. He won’t insult Natasha by beating around the bush either.

“I love them.” Steve clears his throat. “I, uh, I’m _in love_ with them, I guess.”

True surprise flickers across her face before it turns contemplative, “That explains some things.”

“Yeah.”

“You realize,” Natasha begins, tone shifting a little more cold, “that you cannot bring this up to them. Not now.”

Steve’s quick to quell her assumptions, “No, no, no. I know that. I...Tasha, I wouldn’t. God, ok, look. I just wanted someone to talk to about this.”

The look she gives him is harsh and assessing, searching his whole face over for any detection of a lie, “Ok. Because while I think you’ve made progress you also have so much further to go before you can even begin to think about that. And I in no way will let you break them up for your own gain. Know that now.”

“That wasn’t what I meant. I know that. I wouldn’t ever. Nat, I see them and I know they’re happy. I don’t want to take that from them.”

“Ok.” She drawls. “So why did you bring this up?”

Steve sinks back into his chair and looks defeated, “Because I don’t know what to do about it. Because I need someone to talk to.”

Natasha chews on her lip and then shrugs, nodding, “Ok, I believe you. I can be that person for you.”

“Thank you.” Steve exhales a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and just leaned back, relieved. “Thank you.”

-

Bucky is standing outside the board room with Pepper at his side. He’s fidgeting, hands clenching nervously at his sides while Pepper adjusts his tie. She’s a sight to behold, that’s for sure. All flaming hair and bright with intent. The board doesn’t stand a chance.

“Remember what we discussed.” She says and then actually wets her thumb with her tongue before wiping away at something on Bucky’s face. “Be as honest as you can. They will ask you things that they have no right in knowing. So do your best and if they persist I will take over. Alright?”

Bucky just nods but then clears his throat, “Where’s Tony?”

“For the first time in his life he’s actually rearing to be here.” She sighs, “Which is why I told him to wait in my office. Your relationship will eventually have to be put under the microscope but not now. I don’t need anyone thinking that you’re being hired because of that.”

“Isn’t it, though?”

Pepper pauses and looks at him, eyes searching for something he’s not quite sure of, “No. Granted, I have taken a special interest because of Tony’s love for you. But all things considered, you are an Avenger now. You are a part of that team. And it would be a good idea to have your skills here at SI.”

“I’m not him anymore.”

“No you are not.” Pepper says with a smile. “You are a whole other can of beans. And while I understand what you’re saying I also want to make it clear that the best thing you can do for yourself is take every part that you have and turn it into a positive.”

Bucky looks at his metal hand, “So you’re saying use what I was trained for.”

“For the good.” Pepper adds. “You have that knowledge. Turn it into your strength, Barnes. Make them rue the day they took you. You have the ability to turn the tables.”

“You’re very convincing.” Bucky adds.

Pepper just beams and straightens, “That’s what I aim for. And what we need. So take a deep breath and be just who you are.”

Bucky rolls his shoulders and asks, “And that is?”

“James Barnes.”

The board room is empty when they enter. Each seat, save the ones that he guesses are for himself and Pepper, are occupied with a translucent monitor. Pepper sits at the head of the table and gestures to her side for Bucky. She takes a breath, exhales, and pours them both a water before clicking a button in front of herself.

The moment she does the screens around them develop a blue hue and cast the image of every member of the board as if they’re sitting there with them.

Bucky listens and catalogues each and every name he’s given to memory. He smiles, asks how everyone is doing, and keeps his own image as relaxed as possible.

“Let’s get to the meat of the issue, Ms. Potts. I don’t have all day.” One man, _Mr. Thompson_ , grits out from the end of the table.

Pepper smiles, sharp and unforgiving, “None of us have all day, least of all myself, so let’s keep our attitudes reined in, shall we?”

His face goes pinched but he doesn’t speak up again. Pepper folds her hands in front of herself and begins.

It’s a gift to see her in her element. Tony really should show for these more often. She’s commanding, allowing others to speak their minds but not allowing anyone to detract from the issue at hand. Bucky waits at her side patiently for his moment. The anticipation figuratively killing him. He logs away as much information as he can, though. Like Pepper said, he needs to take the skills he was taught and turn them for the better.

He can do that.

“So,” A woman to Bucky’s left begins, “why do you feel you are fit to be a consultant for Stark Industries?”

Bucky clears his throat and looks to her, eyes not wavering, “I have a skill set to provide that could improve your security team.”

“Yes, but why you?” Another woman asks and he looks to her, “Why should we consider you over any other applicants?”

This is it. The time to use his past to build the future.

“I was used over the last several decades by some of the brightest minds, even though evil. Scientists and trainers shaped me to be the best in my field.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out, “I have overcome those oppressors and now have the perfect skill set to not only aid you against run-of-the-mill attacks but also large-scale ones as well.”

“What’s our insurance? How do we know that we can trust you?”

Pepper moves in then, “Because I back Mr. Barnes fully. I trust him.”

Bucky knew that it would come to this question and while he knew Pepper would manage he hadn’t actually imagined her saying that she trusted him. The last time they’d really talked had been when she had warned him that he’d be killed if he did Tony wrong. He’d believed her then. But now, hearing her say ‘trust’, he believed her now as well.

She barrels on, “This should not come as a surprise. This meeting was not called together to gain permission. My intent was to give you the chance to speak with Mr. Barnes, not interrogate him. As CEO of Stark Industries, I have the ability to hire staff for this company’s needs as I see fit. I support Mr. Barnes and am more than confident of his worth, dependability, and loyalty.”

She’s met with silence.

A man to Pepper’s left, Mr. Graves, clears his throat, “Well, then. We will take you on your word, Ms. Potts.” He looks then at Bucky, “Welcome to the company, Mr. Barnes.”  

-

Rhodey and Tony are sitting together in the work shop with a black box between them.

“What is that?”

“You know what it is, Tony.”

Tony shakes his head, “No, I do not.”

“God, stop being a drama king and talk to me.”

Tony looks at the box again, calculating, “It’s a ring.”

“Yes.”

“For Sam.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

Rhodey flops his hands to his sides, “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ sure. Tony, for the love of god, please try and be a friend here.”

“I’m just a little…surprised.”

“Why?”

Tony shrugs, “I just never thought you’d try it again after Theresa.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

Tony leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, tapping out the intro to Enter Sandman on his arm. Rhodey is looking markedly better. He’s standing now, walking with the help of the stabilizer Tony had built and a cane. His whole disposition is brighter.

“You can’t blame me for being worried.”

“I’m not, ok?” Rhodey sighs and leans against the table. “It’s just…you’re my best friend, Tones, and I want your opinion.”

“Well, Sam doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who likes the Princess cut.”

Rhodey grinds his teeth and pinches the bridge of his nose, “Tony, I swear, one more of those and I will deck you.”

“You’ll have to catch me.”

Rhodey throws the closest, heaviest piece of circuitry at Tony. Tony doesn’t duck but instead leaps from his chair to catch it when it goes a little wide.

“Ok! Ok. Jeez.” He sits up, setting the metal and wires aside to open the box.

The band is relatively simple. Lightweight, looks to be silver, and thin. It’s not showy by any means but for Rhodey it’s a goddamn neon sign. He supposes, from the little he knows about Sam, that it’s something he’d like.

“It’s nice.” Tony manages.

Rhodey scoffs and takes the ring, snapping the box closed, “It’s made of folded steel.”

“I could’ve made it for you.”

“I uh…I actually made it.”

Tony’s thrown, “What? I try to get you in here to build things with me for _years_ and-“

“Tony, this is a ring, not a robot.”

Tony huffs and settles in his chair again. Rhodey looks embarrassed, sure, but also happy. Any time he’s ever talked about Sam, the little he has anyway, he’s always looked happy. That’s all that Tony can hope for.

“Look. I think it’s a good idea. As far as gut feelings go with stuff like this, I will always go with yours.”

“’Stuff like this?’”

Tony waves his hands dismissively, “Emotions.”

“I knew I should’ve talked to Pepper.”

“No!” Tony sighs, “Talk to me. I want to know.”

The smile Rhodey gives Tony is just bright enough to get him through the whole thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too tired to write in the fanmail so it will be done next chapter. Thank you all so much for your comments and support. 
> 
> Stay tuned! Bucky's fanmail, more Bucky/Tony, Wanda bringing Vision home, team talk about the Accords, and the team's first call to Avenge together. lmao. Also: First article clipping of Bucky's new employment. Thor is gonna show up eventually, I love him.


	30. The Accords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets his first weeks' worth of fanmail and then the whole team gets together to talk about the Accords. Afterwards, Nat and Steve have a talk.

“You know that we all get fan mail, right?”

Bucky looks up from his book and finds Tony there with a large box in his hands. It’s not the weirdest thing Tony’s brought up today, somehow, but it does still catch his attention.

“Oh?”

Tony rolls his eyes, “Try to be more enthused and less monosyllabic, sweet stuff.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky says, setting his book down with a smirk, “I am very excited for your fan mail.”

“God, it’s like you’re dense on purpose.”

With that, Tony sets the box on the table and then puts his hands on his hips. He looks meaningfully from the box to Bucky and back.

Bucky’s genuinely confused, “You want me to read your fan mail?”

“Christ on sale, Bucky Babe, this is _your_ fan mail.”

Bucky’s brain stops working abruptly while he tries to process this new information. Tony takes the opportunity to sit on the couch and slide in close to Bucky. He drags the box in and is practically shaking with excitement.

“This is mine?” He clarifies, hand twitching to reach out and grab it.

Tony nods and brings the box closer, “Yep. I thought you’d want to see it.” Tony’s brow furrows, “Do you not want to?”

He starts moving the box away but Bucky stops him with a whip-like hand.

“No, no. I do want it. I just didn’t think it was for me.”

Bucky starts shifting idly through the mail. It’s not much by Tony or Steve’s standards, that’s for sure, but it is still about a hundred or so envelopes all put in a box that has Bucky’s name across it in fun, childish stickers.

It’s Tony’s turn to be surprised. He realizes in this moment that Bucky still doesn’t see his worth. He’s taken up by the urge then to pull Bucky into his arms and just hold him for a while. And maybe try to remember to tell him more often how much he means to him and what he means to the team.

“Yeah, cupcake, these are all yours.”

“But I haven’t done anything.”

Tony purses his lips and then pulls up his phone, talking while he surfs, “You were there at the Bank for my little fiasco.”

“I was on the roof of a building. Doing nothing.”

“Not true. You were calling the shots.”

Bucky scoffs, “Of which you didn’t listen to.”

“You knew I was a loose cannon.” Tony clears his throat and shows Bucky a news article he’s pulled up, “This was put out a week ago after your meeting with Pepper and the Board.”

Bucky reads through the whole thing. It’s a bit of a puff piece in his opinion. The entire article talks about his exploits. It briefly touches his past as the soldier and then barrels on ahead to comment on his changes since then. Joining the Avengers, his role in the bank robbery, and his new job as consultant with Stark Industries.

There’s a few bits that are cringe-worthy where the journalist takes some artistic license with the information on Bucky’s arm. He gives Bucky praise for inspiring Tony to begin the prosthetics division of Stark Industries. The rest of the piece goes on to talk about the lives that they’ve already changed.

“This is a little bloated.”

Tony shrugs, “I don’t think so. You _are_ amazing.”

Bucky smiles and kisses Tony’s forehead as he hands the phone back over. He peeks into the box again and picks up the first he sees and opens it.

It’s a short letter, the writing a little cramped, wild, and written in what appears to be lime-green crayon. He brings it close to his face, squinting to read it, and can’t help the smile that takes over. Attached to the bottom with tape is a photo of a little girl with her new prosthetic arm.

“Oh, I remember this one.” Tony leans into Bucky. “She was one of the first to apply. You should have seen the look on her face when she used it the first time, Bucky. It was incredible. I should have gotten into this a long time ago.”

“It looks like mine.” Bucky almost whispers.

Tony beams, “That’s because she asked for it to look just like yours.”

-

The team has gathered once again.

They’re all in a rather large conference room in the same basement-like area that Tony’s workshop is in. The table is glass, the chairs surprisingly comfortable, and a full coffee bar sits in one corner already working on the filling of a massive pot.

Once everyone is seated Bucky takes a moment to look the team over. Everyone looks refreshed, like the last while spent in the mansion has done them some good. There is, however, still a little tension. He figures it’s because the last time they talked about the Accords the team split. Tony’s at his side already looking stressed. He and Clint both are eyeing the coffee pot for the exact moment it’s done.

“I think it’s important to talk about the Sokovia Accords again.”

Tony huffs, “What’s there to talk about? Everyone here still feels the same way they did.”

“We have to stick to our guns.” Steve says, eyes pleading.

“No, you don’t. This isn’t some large ploy-“

Steve interrupts Tony, “We don’t know that.”

“Stop.” Bucky demands, voice deep and firm. He sighs, “These documents were drawn up with the express intent to protect people. This paperwork is to defend citizens of the world from the inevitable damage we cause as a group.”

“The Big Bad is always handled in the end.” Clint pipes up on his way to the coffee pot. He begins making two cups before coming back and handing one off to Tony.

Bucky smiles a little but then straightens, “I’ve seen the footage. I’ve read the reports. You do have the luck to get the job done somehow. But,” He looks around the table meaningfully, “it has always come at a severe and great price. Death, destruction, destabilization. In the end we need to ask ourselves if the long term can handle our help. Does the end justify the means?”

“I still think that’s something we can do ourselves.” Sam says. “I’m still with Steve on this.”

Steve flinches, eyes wincing while he looks first at Bucky and then Tony. It’s silent for a few moments while Bucky breathes deep and gathers his thoughts.

“We are not the Moral Good, Sam. There is no case in which we have the power to make those choices.”

Wanda speaks up, leaning closer to Vision as she does so, “Do we not deserve to make our own choices?”

“Everyone in this room deserves to do so.” Bucky shakes his head, “But you are not allowed to make those choices if they affect others. Especially in negative ways. We cannot pretend to be morally superior, here.”

“So you’re saying sign it?” Steve asks, genuinely curious. “What if this is like SHIELD? We can’t let hydra have that power. We can’t let anyone have this power.”

“Tell me then, Steve, why it is you feel that power should be yours and yours alone?”

Steve’s brows furrow, “That’s not what I meant.”

Bucky barrels on, “We need accountability. We need to answer to someone else. And while I agree that these Accords are not the best thing we could do right now, it’s the only thing we have. Compromise. Let the people choose when they need us.”

Steve remembers hearing that word a lot from Tony. He remembers thinking back on it as well. There wasn’t any one thing that would be perfect. There was nothing that could fix their issues in every way. They had to find a meeting point and do their best.

“Ok.” Steve nods. “Ok, so what do we do?”

Bucky shrugs, “We wait.”

“So what?” Clint says into his cup, “We just let things happen? We let people die?”

Wanda is next, looking pained, “I cannot in good conscience let that happen if I have the power to stop it.”

Bucky steps in, “We all know that people die every day. We will never have the ability to save every life. This is something we have to accept. Because as much good as you have done, everyone -this team- has also caused death.”

It’s a grim thing to accept and there isn’t one person who speaks up for that first stretch of silence. Everyone has their own demons. Each person has to deal with their own mistakes haunting them every day. It’s an eternal reminder so that they can do better so that maybe they can learn something new.

Bucky is the one to break the silence, speaking softly, “This is going to be hard to chew. It’s going to be hard to avoid helping others. We will hear some cry out for our help and we will have to do nothing. You need to know that this is a reality.” He pauses and pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, “But my hope is that after a long enough time of that happening – after enough condemn the UN for not doing their best – maybe things can be looked over again. Maybe we’ll be able to do more.”

“That’s a lot of maybe’s.” Tony whispers.

Bucky shrugs, “It’s all we have. I’m saying that, as long as you still want me as Team Lead, I will support the Accords. I will always support accountability and responsibility. Because I really think that the moment we deem our opinion to be the moral good is the moment we become the villain.”

“Morality is relative.” Natasha adds, leaning forward, “So it stands to say that something we deem to be morally good may not be for the next person. It’s not our right to decide which is true so what we need is a round table debate on what the best is. The UN is supplying that now, no matter how rudimentary, so we need to accept that as what we have for now.”

Bucky nods and meets the eyes of each person around the table. Some still look wary but have not spoken up again. He sighs and tries his best to remember that this isn’t something they’ve really ever had the ability to hash out as a team. He knows that the first time it was brought up was the time that the time had been split.

“I do want you to know, though, that if you don’t agree with the terms we’ve talked about today that you do not have to sign. I want to stress that you signing is still a choice. Just know that we can’t have you operate with the official Avengers.”

“I will do this only because I think we can do more good together.” Wanda sighs, “Maybe given time these Accords can turn into something far better than it is now.”

Sam and Clint sigh at the same time and Clint lays his head on the table with mumble in the affirmative while Sam just nods. Bucky looks then to Natasha and Steve. He knows that Natasha is ready to do what needs to be done here. And while Steve has been accepting throughout the conversation he’s not sure if that means he’ll actually agree.

“You know,” Steve begins, “I will sign. I will do this for the team. We can’t expect to help the world when we are called on to do so if we are divided.”

Bucky nods, satisfied, “So we’ve agreed.”

-

Most everyone left at the same time. Clint was rearing to go home, Sam had to help Rhodey move his things in, and it had been an early morning for the rest. So that is how Natasha and Steve ended up there, still seated, in contemplative silence.

“You’ve grown.” Natasha finally says. “Made improvements.”

Steve sighs, “I feel like I’m lying. I still think we need to work independently.”

“I figured you did.” She shrugs, “You were like that before. Going against orders and going with your gut. And when you did those things they worked for you at the time.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ in there.”

“But,” She smiles, “that’s not the world anymore, Steve. It’s changed since you’ve been gone. You’ve been here for years now and still haven’t caught on with the times. You don’t have to be a museum exhibit. You don’t have to be ‘The Man out of Time’. You can be Steve, though.”

“I don’t know who that is anymore.”

Natasha nods like she knows, “So figure it out.”

“What if I do and I still feel the same?” Steve asks, feeling lost.

She looks at him then and he feels like he’s being evaluated, “I really don’t think you will. You have a lot to learn, Steve. And what you find will tell you the things you need to know. Experience will shape you.”

“Like it did you?” Steve says and thinks that it may have been the wrong thing to say.

Natasha sighs and turns to Steve fully, “In Russia, in the Red Room, there were dozens of us. All girls, all young. We lived together. They let us be friends. Then they dropped us in the tundra, two week’s walk from home, with just enough supplies for one of us to survive.” She takes a breath and Steve’s clenching his jaw, “We stand stronger when we’re together. We fight better, learn better, and live better together. Don’t let them push us out into the cold. Don’t let them take this from us. Because we’ve already seen what it’s like when we’re separated.”

“You mean Tony in Siberia.”

Natasha nods, “Given the chance there are people who would see us fall. We’ve witnessed that in action already. And it almost worked. Tony almost died out there. But what we have now is a chance to change things – a chance to make ourselves stronger.”

“And we do that by compromising?” Steve asks.

“Yes.” Natasha sighs and stands, stretching, “Compromise gives us time, Steve. And with time comes opportunity.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That bit about the Red Room that Natasha was talking about was a piece of the novelization. I used it for my own gain bc it's so perfect and I love it. I hope my intent came across ok.
> 
> Also: I know that there are several arguments surrounding the Accords and that everyone has their own feelings about them. These are mine and will be one of the core points of the story. So, while I don't mind hearing what yours are, I do not want to have anyone arguing with me. This is my story and imma do me so you do you.
> 
> Stay tuned for : Bucky/Tony time with a fully healed arm, call to avenge by the UN, PR media circus about Bucky, Interviews, Stark Industries, and Thor's return.


	31. The Arm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's arm is officially healed enough for action but something is off with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning*
> 
> Graphic Depictions of a Panic Attack.

“This is it.” Tony is grinning ear to ear and his eyes are twinkling. “The Great Unveiling.”

It feels like this should be some kind of holiday with the way Tony’s carrying on. His arm should be fully healed and ready to go. Sure, he’s been able to use the new arm for a few things here and there but today he can officially use it to its full capacity.

Bruce is there, touching around where the attachment meets flesh and asking if he can feel the pressure and if there is any pain. There is none. He’d expected something to go wrong. Maybe painful scarring like before or his arm shorting out. In the past, his old arm had been integrated painfully. Circuitry and wires clamped onto nerve endings. Muscle and tendon attached to metal joints with screws and clipping bone. Whenever exposed to cold, especially when put in cryo, he felt it in that space. Bitter cold that bit deep enough to make everything ache powerfully and completely.

There was also the heavy weight of disassociation. He would look at his hand, or not his hand but _theirs_ , and in the haze of brainwashing he’d be there, wondering whose hand it was. Because it never felt like his. That first flashing metal arm hadn’t been his but it did all the things he needed it to do. It had felt so foreign, so terrifyingly alien that he’d feared the thing would turn on him someday. Everything to do with that arm was associated with deep, intense pain and death. That metal arm may as well been painted red with the amount of blood on his hands. Iron and Steel coming together to crush the life out of each person with a whir of gears and the clicking of shifting plates.

But this arm, the arm Tony had made him, was new and made for _him._ Instead of being made for carnage this was made for utility. This was not an appendage made for the Soldier but instead a tool made for Bucky. And it shined so crisply and clean that Bucky could imagine himself as someone absolved.

“Are you ready to have the bandages removed?” Bruce asks.

All he can do is nod.

Tony is there, holding his right hand and rubbing at his wrist comfortingly. In that moment Bucky is struck by how lucky he is to know Tony and how privileged he is to have him as his significant other. Tony has managed to remove his arm, something that had weighed on him in more ways than one, and build him a completely new one. He can’t think of any better gift than this and Tony did it out of the goodness of his heart.

Bucky squeezes Tony’s hand.

The gauze comes off slowly and the skin stings a little but feels better with bandages removed. Skin is still puckered but closed and healing well. There’s little to no pain depending on the weather and he feels lighter, like more than the than Soldier’s arm has been replaced.

“How does that feel?”

“Like a dream”

-

Bruce leaves the two of them for a moment to themselves. Tony’s moved in front of him, dropping his grip on his hand to admire his work. Bucky looks fascinated, turning his palm over and back, clenching his hand into a fist and rotating his arm gingerly a few times. It’s still got a few twinges here and there, Tony can see him wincing a little with the motion, but otherwise he seems to be doing well.

“All and all I’d say that it does the trick, doesn’t it?”

Bucky chuckles a little, “More than that, for sure. It’s amazing, Tony. I can’t even begin to thank you for this.”

“I don’t need you to thank me, sweet stuff.” Tony shrugs, “I do stuff like this because I can. I did it for you because you needed it. You deserved it.”

Bucky reaches out for Tony with the metal arm and Tony experiences an involuntary flinch. He steps out of reach without meaning to and Bucky tilts his head, concerned.

“Are you ok?” Bucky asks, trying again to reach for Tony.

He shies away from the hand but forces himself to step closer, “Yeah, cupcake. I’m good.”

Bucky tries again but with his right hand. Tony accepts the hand and lets Bucky pull him in close. His muscles are rigid and his heartrate is elevating a little uncomfortably. He swallows and wills himself to calm down. Tony can't understand why this is happening. He was fine with the arm before when Bucky had been on rest. He finds it hard to look anywhere but at that silver arm, though. It glints underneath the harsh clinical light and he can see the plating move as Bucky stands and subconsciously clenches his hand.

“Do you wanna show the gang?” Tony manages, tearing his eyes away for a moment to look up at Bucky.

He finds Bucky is assessing him, searching his eyes for something that Tony can’t place. Tony looks at the arm from the corner of his eyes before looking back at Bucky.

Bucky purses his lips before asking, “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Tony just nods.

“So can I touch you?” Bucky asks, standing still.

Tony swallows and shrugs, trying to muscle past whatever is happening, “Sure. I was hoping you would.”

Bucky eyes him again and then steps forward and raises his hands to rest on Tony’s hips. The metal isn’t chilly, by any means, but does have a bit of a bite to it compared to the flesh hand. Tony was right, the plating moves smoothly enough that it won’t pinch. He can feel the fingers smoothing across his hip where the shirt’s risen up to reveal tanned skin.

He’s feeling a little off now. The temperature feels like it’s been upped a few degrees and he’s nauseous. A strained smile is all he can give Bucky when he looks up at him and he feels bad, like he should be able to control whatever is happening. He’s happy for Bucky. Hell, he’d made the damn thing, but with each second the hand was on him he felt a little dizzier.

“Tony.” Bucky says and just the name alone manages to imply that Bucky knows something is wrong.

His chest his a little tight and his mind seems to tunnel his focus down to just a few things. Bucky’s face, the grip on his hip, and how small the room seems to be.

“I’m…it’s fine. Just a little, um, it’s ok.” Tony steels himself and raises his hands to Bucky’s shoulders.

Bucky’s brow is furrowed now. He’s searching Tony over like he’ll find something and moves his left hand up from Tony’s hip to rest at the base of his neck.

Tony goes still and his heart begins to flutter uncomfortably. He looks like a deer caught in headlights and his hands clench to bunch up in the fabric of Bucky’s shirt. Mouth dry, sweat beading on his forehead, and a new, sharp pain blooming in his chest and still all Tony can do is stand there.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

He can’t take it anymore. The arm, that shinning metal piece of Bucky is too much. Everything feels cloying. They’re too close together and his shirt is too tight around his throat. He pulls away then from Bucky and distances himself by several feet before leaning against a table and trying to breathe deep.

“I just, uh, need a second.”

“What’s happening?” Bucky asks, taking a step forward.

Tony jumps and puts out a hand, “No, no. Stop. Just stand there.”

“Sir,” FRIDAY interrupts, “your heart rate is climbing up to concerning levels. Shall I ask for Dr. Banner?”

“No. I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not fine, Tony.” Bucky seems lost. “Please, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Look, I just...your arm and...I’m trying.” Tony says, rubbing his eyes before blinking rapidly.

Bucky deflates, “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“It was my fault. This is my problem. I’m sorry. I should’ve…” Tony drifts for a second and he takes a breath, “I knew you weren’t him and I still…I’m sorry.”

“Tony, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Bucky wants desperately to step forward and comfort Tony.

“It’s all my fault. I saw that clip and all I heard was my mom calling out and then she died.”

Bucky winces, “Siberia.”

“That’s my fault. It wasn’t you. Steve was right. Without the suit I’m nothing. Just nothing.”

“Tony, please.” Bucky’s pleading, eyes prickling with unshed tears, “You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Can’t I?” Tony yells. “It’s always me. I’m always the problem. I’m the problem now.”

Tony sits heavily on the floor and tries to take in several deep, shuddering breaths. He wants Bucky to comfort him in the worst way but he doesn’t think he could deal with it. Having the arm that close, even the idea of it, has him shaking.

“I fought you. In Siberia. That’s on me.” Bucky sits down too, metal arm angled away from Tony.

Tony shakes his head, “I was trying to kill you.”

“I should’ve let you.”

“No.” Tony sounds wrecked, “No, don’t say that.”

“Someone should have told you.” Bucky compromises.

Tony laughs darkly, “Well, no one did.”

“I know.” Bucky says, softly.

It’s silent for a moment. Tony’s breathing has evened out a bit with some big, deep breaths. He’s still shaking, his whole body trembling, and he has to tuck his hands between his legs just to feel steady. His heart is still beating a sharp staccato in his chest. There’s pain there, too, where his chest feels like it’s close to imploding.

Tony rests his head back and sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“You have no reason to be.” Bucky clenches his jaw. “I should have figured. I should have realized.”

Tony does look at him then, “Please know that it’s not you.”

“It should be. You can admit that, Tony. I fought you in Siberia, too. That wasn’t the Soldier that was me.”

“I told you that was my fault.”

Bucky shakes his head, “I can’t blame you for that, Tony. I don’t hold that against you.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Tony.” Bucky is pleading now. “I will tell you for the rest of forever if I have to. I do not blame you. And I’m sorry I didn’t realize my arm was causing you pain.”

“I built that thing.” Tony whispers. “I built it and I’m afraid of it.”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky says, fervent.

Tony shrugs and looks at Bucky then, smiling, “I still want you to have it. I just…give me some time, ok?”

“Ok,” Bucky agrees, heart aching, “is there anything I can do? You’re important to me, Tony, and I like holding you.”

Tony laughs a little, “I like holding you, too. Maybe we should try letting me touching you first. Deliberately and consciously.”

“Yeah. I can do that for you. We can do this.” Bucky pauses and then asks, “Are you afraid of me?”

Tony sighs, “Not on purpose. It’s just that your arm was too close to my throat and face. I saw it all over again and my mind panicked.”

“I understand that.”

“I know you do.” Tony smiles, “I’m trying. It’s not something that’ll be easy to get past, though.”

“I didn’t think it would be. I still have things I have to work through. I’m just sorry that one of your things is me.”

“I still love you.” Tony looks down at his hands. “It hurts me that it’s you. And I still have dreams about that fight. And sometimes I question myself on whether or not it’s healthy to be with someone who almost killed me.”

Bucky agrees but he feels his heart clench and his stomach drop, managing to say “I’ll do whatever is best for you.”

“You’re good to me, Bucky. You’re a good person. And I’m not without fault either. I was a part of that fight, too. I hurt you. We just seem to have more to work through than we thought.”

“I guess I was so caught up in falling for you that I sort of breezed past it.” Bucky adds with a grin. Tony laughs again and Bucky smiles fully. He adds, “What can I do for you?”

Tony looks at him, sheepish, “Could you send Bruce in? Just let me talk to him for a little bit?”

“Sure thing, babe. I could use a talk with Pepper.”

Tony sighs, “You both becoming friends has been terrifying. You’re a power couple.”

“Hilarious.”

“When you get back,” Tony adds, nervous, “can we talk about it? About Siberia?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all sorry it's been a minute. My grandma had a stroke so it's been rough. She's coming home tomorrow, though, and she's doing better.
> 
> Shortish update but you'll get a big one tomorrow. We still have UN call to assemble and the media circus with Bucky to go over. I just wanted to give you this.
> 
> I hope this chapter came across as believable. I'm trying to keep Tony's knack for keeping things to himself mixed with his desire to be open and honest now that his life expectancy is shorter.


	32. The Media

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky talks with Steve and then Pepper. Steve learns something about Natasha's past. There's a hurricane. The Media is predictably awful and then Bucky and Tony work through some stuff.

It isn’t easy to just talk to Pepper Potts on a whim.

Bucky has to go through her assistant four times before giving up and asking Natasha for help. Nat is surprised but willing and then Bucky has a short video chat scheduled with Pepper within the next three hours. So he waits.

Tony has given him a lot to think about. Bucky knows what PTSD is like. He understands triggers and what attacks feel like. But never once had he considered that he could be one of those for Tony. It makes sense, even without the fight they had in Siberia, Bucky had killed Tony’s parents. After seeing that happen he could assume anyone would have issues with him.

He felt selfish now. So caught up in his own feelings, in being swept away, that he’d missed the signs.

“What’s going on, Buck?”

Steve is there, looking concerned and sweaty with a towel slung over his shoulders. Sam comes in after him, wheezing and mumbling about serum and cheekiness before waving to Bucky and leaving the room in search of a comfy place to crash.

“It’s Tony.”

Steve’s back straightens, “What’d he do?”

Bucky is furious and immediately defensive, “Why is that your first thought, Steve?”

“There’s history.” Steve says slowly, trying to reel himself in. “I was just worried.”

Bucky sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, “It’s me, Steve.”

“I don’t understand.”

Steve sits down and rests his forearms on his thighs, leaning in to listen. Buck hesitates in telling him anything considering they haven’t spoken much since Bucky told him they wouldn’t be together on this side of a few icy decades. It had felt weird, almost painfully awkward, but in the way that secondhand embarrassment felt. Because it wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would mean Bucky was still the same person Steve remembered.

All things considered, Steve had taken it in stride, and Bucky figures he needs to give himself this chance at having a good friend. Someone who may not understand personally but can offer some sort of advice.

“He had a panic attack today.” Bucky winces at the memory. “My arm set him off.”

Steve’s brow furrowed, “Didn’t he build that arm? Why now?”

“I think it was just having me use it on him combined with repressed feelings.”

Steve hangs his head for a moment, “He’s good at that. Repressing stuff.”

“Hey, you’re not the easiest either, buddy.”

“I’m just letting you know, Buck. He’s good at masking.”

Bucky chews the inside of his cheek and then asks, “Why did you lie to him?”

Steve leans back on the sofa and looks up at the ceiling. His eyes are searching for something that Bucky can’t see and he’s clenching his jaw in that way he does when he’s pressed to give up something he doesn’t want to.

“I won’t lie and say I didn’t do it for you. Because a large part of me wanted to protect you.” Steve looks at Bucky then and fixes him with a wide-eyed, honest stare, “But please believe me when I say that I thought he didn’t need to see it. I didn’t think he should see them die.”

“It’s still bad.”

Steve sighs, “I know. Tony has this way about him that makes most believe he’s shallow. He puts this front out that seems egotistical, prideful, and narcissistic. And when I first met him I took that face value and didn’t look further because I didn’t want to.”

“And then?” Bucky asks.

“And then I got to know him. I spent time with him. I watched him save lives, save my life, sacrifice himself for the greater good, etc. It was then that I realized who he was. This man desperately trying to protect himself. He uses all those protective layers like a shield because that’s what he had to do.”

Bucky speaks up then, “You realize that’s why he felt so betrayed? That this is why it hurt him so bad. Because he let you see those parts of him and you lied. You all did, in a way, destroy, that trust.”

“I know.”

“He wants to talk about Siberia.” Bucky clears his throat, “He wants to tell me about it.” Steve is silent so Bucky continues. “I think that at some point you need to hear that story.”

Steve gets up then and sighs, “I’m here when he’s ready, Bucky. I want him to know that. I don’t want to crowd him. Lord knows I couldn’t stand it if I set off an attack.”

“Just answer me something, Steve.” Steve nods and Bucky looks down at his hands, “Do I deserve him?”

Steve looks pained and he gives Bucky a look he can’t place, “You deserve him, Bucky. He deserves you, too. You both are good for each other. It sounds like you have some stuff to work through but you’ll get there.”

“Thanks, Steve.”

“No problem, Buck.”

-

“Can I talk to you?”

Steve has found Natasha on the back porch with her cat in her lap and a large glass of lemonade in front of her. There’s a book on the table, _Good Omens_ by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and she seems to have taken a break to shower her plump cat with affection.

“Sure. Do you want a drink?” She smiles up at him, “I promise I don’t have cooties.”

Steve laughs and sits, takes a drink, and even reaches over to scratch the cat behind her ears.

“You never told me what her name was.”

Natasha laughs, “That’s because for the longest time I refused to give her one.”

Steve takes another drink and refills the glass when he drains it, “Why?”

“Because I didn’t want one. The nature of my career makes having a pet difficult and I didn’t want a cat shedding all over everything I own. You’ll notice that I wear a lot of black.”

“Sure. So what changed your mind?”

Natasha sighs and watches, almost dejectedly, as the cat leaps from her lap to trot off, “She grew on me. She was always there to greet me when I got home from a mission. She always seemed to know when I was going to leave. When something had gone bad she was there.”

“And?”

“And she didn’t bother me during the in-between moments either. She did her own thing. Bothering other people, I guess.”

Steve watches the cat move through the yard, chasing a butterfly, “She grew on you.”

“What do you expect?” Natasha laughs and takes a drink, “She was this weird constant in my life. The only real thing I had to look forward to and she never stood me up. I went from being alone my whole life to having this _thing_ that reminded me I was a person.”

“So what did you name her?”

“Duck.”

Steve furrows his brow, “What? Why?”

Natasha laughs and Steve sits back and catalogs it because it’s one of the most honest ones he’s heard from her.

“I tried spraying her with a water bottle. The little bastard loved it. She just sat there, eyes closed, _smiling_ , and purring like an engine. Ridiculous.” She grabs the lemonade and clicks her nails on the glass. “That cat has been through a lot of stuff with me. Even saved my life once. So now I kind of can’t give her up.”

“Saved your life?” Steve asks, astounded.

Natasha smiles, “Yeah. Some asshole had me at gunpoint and the damn thing just latched onto his head and sent him to the floor.”

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

She shrugs, “Most don’t. It’s whatever.”

It’s silent for a little while and Steve finds himself calmed down. He’d gotten a little worked up talking to Bucky. It was still something new and fresh to know Bucky wasn’t interested in keeping their relationship. He’d been dealing with it. But then when Buck had asked about whether or not he deserved Tony, well, Steve had been a little crushed in a way.

He’d told the truth, though. They do deserve each other. Tony and Bucky complement one another in a lot of ways and have created a bond with one another that is wholly different from the one Steve had with Bucky in the past.

“What’s on your mind?”

Steve chews his lip and looks down, “Just Bucky. It’s still a bit raw.”

“It will be for a while. Especially if you keep worrying at it.”

“What do you mean?”

Natasha looks at him and shrugs, “You need to leave that wound alone and let it heal. You can’t get to know who Bucky is now and start that friendship if you can’t just let the past go.”

-

“James.” Pepper nods to him with a small smile through the video feed. “I’m happy to hear from you. I wanted to thank you for your report on my security detail.”

“It’s no big deal.”

She laughs, “I consider it a big deal when it comes to people I trust with my life and the lives of my staff. Please know that I do not extend my thanks unless they’re earned.”

“Noted.” Bucky smiles.

“Good. Now, what it is that you needed to talk about? As much as I enjoy speaking with you, I do have another Teleconference to attend in about fifteen minutes.”

Bucky swallows and jumps in, “Tony had a panic attack today.”

Pepper nods like she knows but does look upset, “Is he ok now?”

“Yes. He’s speaking with Bruce.” He looks down into his hands. “I wanted to talk to you about his trigger.”

“Alright.” Pepper looks at him pensively. “Go on.”

Bucky figures there’s no beating around the bush, “It was me. Specifically my arm.”

“That makes sense.”

“What do you mean?”

Pepper actually looks unsure for a moment, “When you first came to the mansion Tony had invited you under the pretense of keeping you close. He believes in having a close eye on his enemies. You met that specification at the time.”

“I know about my room. My old room.” He sighs, “I knew about his precautions.”

Pepper nods appreciatively, “And you let him have them. That’s more than I’ve done.” Bucky looks confused so she clarifies, “There was a time when he was building copies of his armor by the tens. At one point, due to a nightmare he had, a suit had attacked me in the middle of the night.”

“You couldn’t handle it?” Bucky asks, genuinely surprised.

Pepper smiles sadly, “No, I could not. I wasn’t equipped at the time to handle him or give him what he needed.”

“And what does he need?”

“He needs someone who understands fully what he’s going through. And while Rhodey and I do understand him now, we both can only be his friends.”

“Should I, though? Am I actually good for him?”

Pepper looks shocked for half a second before she smiles fondly at Bucky, “I feel like the fact that you have to ask answers your own question. You’re worried because of your past, I get that. And though your history with one another is rocky and needs to be addressed, he still chose you.” She sucks her teeth for a moment before asking, “Do you trust Tony?”

It doesn’t take consideration, “Yes.”

“Well, then,” Pepper seems pleased, “that’s all you need to know. Tony may repress his feelings but you have to believe his choices. He doesn’t make decisions frivolously. Not ones this important, anyway. So if he’s with you it’s because he wants to be. He’s willing to put in the effort.”

“He’s complicated.” Bucky says and it’s all fondness.

Pepper smiles, “That he is. But it’s worth it to follow his schemes.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t the two of you work out, considering our conversation?”

“I couldn’t give him what he needed and run the company.” Her smile turns sad, “I still love him with all my heart and while I would do anything within my power for him, my power doesn’t extend far enough to help him completely.”

“And you think I can?” Bucky asks, genuine.

Pepper tilts her head, “I don’t know. But based on what I’ve seen, I would say that you’re doing a good job thus far. You care enough to talk to others. You care enough to question yourself. That counts for something.”

Bucky smiles and asks, “So do you have any advice for me?”

“My advice is to keep open communication. He’s willing to talk – that’s more than I got half the time – so take advantage of that.” She pauses and then taps her fingers on her desk, “My second bit of advice is to talk to Rhodey. Those men are closer than I’ve ever seen two people be. The quickest way to Tony’s heart is Rhodey’s approval.”

Bucky laughs, “Noted.”

-

They’d been called to Assemble in the middle of the night.

It had been a little bit of a mess. There was a moment or two of stilted action when people had to remind themselves that Bucky was leading the team now, not Steve. But Bucky took the reins seamlessly and managed to turn everyone into the prepared team that they are. Battle Buddies filed into the Quinjet, sitting together, waiting instruction.

“Here’s the long and short of it: we’re to head the search and rescue units on the coast. Ocean City is our main concern. Evacuations have gotten most of the people pushed into Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Virginia. The cause of which is a hurricane and storm system that has been growing in size and speed at an alarming rate over the last six hours.”

Bucky’s voice is clear and manages to overcome the soft whir of the Quinjet and meet the ears of everyone in the ship.

“What are our orders?” Clint asks from the pilot’s seat.

Bucky nods to himself and speaks up again. He assigns Clint and Falcon to the beaches and the few blocks inward. Their goal is to find any remaining people. Clint is to take to the highest buildings and shoot tracking devices on each one for Sam’s falcon to find. Sam is to take to air and help struggling people and make sure that everyone evacuates.

Bruce is asked to go in as the hulk to help the building of seawalls. Tony, with a new device of his, is stationed in front of the seawall to direct anyone who has lagged behind and wait for the storm to fully hit. Wanda is there with him, nervous but strong, and looking up at Tony occasionally while they speak.

Vision and Bucky are heading the aid centers to help people find their loved ones and give them shelter from the onslaught. Natasha roams the crowds with the purpose of keeping fights from breaking out and keeping everyone calm.

By all accounts they should be prepared.

But the ocean water quickly swallows the beaches and starts to crash into the seaside boardwalk, then the businesses and apartments, and then the individual homes. The water rises and the storm grows stronger. Darkened skies raining down hail the size of baseballs send the Falcon to shelter, leaves the hulk alone to finish the sea wall, and becomes the first test for Tony’s new project.

“It should work.”

Wanda frowns, “That is not comforting.”

Tony shrugs, “It wasn’t supposed to be.”

Tony hands over a small box that looks almost like a music box would. It’s metal, with smooth cuts into the sides to fit Wanda’s hands exactly. She’s gripping it with a python-like strength like she’s worried it’ll blow away.

“You wanna test it?” Tony asks. Wanda nods and he claps his hands together. “Cool. So, I’m going to step out and you’re going to channel your power into that box.”

“That’s all?” Wanda shifts her weight and actually looks worried. “Shouldn’t we have tested this first?”

“Ever heard of a field test?”

Tony steps out into the brewing maelstrom without another word and Wanda pulses her power almost frantically into the box to save Tony from the freezing rain and hail.

Nothing happens for a split second and Wanda looks up to see her own confusion reflected on Tony’s face. Then she feels it. Like a levee breaking her power courses through her to channel out of the box into a bubble. It’s not like before, all wild and sharp, now it’s smoothed out and expanding past the two of them to encompass the sea wall. When the ice and rain makes contact with the bubble it all turns to a mist.

The moment the rain and hail stops beating down the workers pour out of the building to help the hulk finish the job.

“You did it!” Tony says, beaming.

Vision comes then to stand with Wanda while Tony leaves to take to the sky and do the last sweep within the confines of Wanda’s bubble.

-

Bucky is sitting with Pepper at his side and he’d feel nervous if he had been alone. But she’s here and he can see the team behind the cameras and he has prepared for this moment.

After the events at Ocean City, Bucky’s exploits as Team Lead had come to obvious attention of the public. He’d been heralded as the new hero of Ocean City. People knew his face now, some people saw him and that flash of his metal arm as belonging to James Barnes: Avenger instead of the Winter Soldier. Not to mention Wanda and her shielding magic had gone down as a veritable legend among the people.

“Was this your first official move as the leader of the Avengers?”

The interviewer was sharp but appeared to be kind. She was patient in waiting for answers and her questions thus far were not accusations. Being interviewed wasn’t something he’d ever _want_ to do but if he had to it, he’d prefer this set up.

“Officially, yes.”

She smiles, “Do you mind elaborating?”

“Sure.” Bucky smiles and begins, “I was considered Team Lead by the team weeks ago. Our practices have been organized by myself and the final signing of the Accords.”

“So you were able to make the rest of the Avengers sign?”

Bucky frowns and leans forward, “I don’t make the team do anything. They get to make their own decisions.”

“Ok.” The interviewer manages to look apologetic. “What do you have to say about those who would say that the Winter Soldier has taken control of the Avengers?”

Pepper speaks up, “We’ve said on many occasions that the Winter Soldier and James Barnes are two very separate people. The government has even recognized that James, who is a war veteran by the way, is not accountable for the Winter Soldier’s actions.”

“I would say,” Bucky keeps his voice level and face blank, “that I am not in control of what other’s think of me. I am doing my best to prove that I am not _Him_. Whether or not someone chooses to believe me is their business.”

“Let it be known, though,” Pepper adds, “that Stark Industries supports James Barnes and that the people who make up the Avengers trust him as well.”

The interviewer nods and crosses her legs before folding her hands on her knee and leaning forward. She looks intense and a bit like a cat ready to pounce.

“There are those who have speculated about your relationship, a romantic relationship, with Captain America in the past. Can you give us any answers?”

Pepper looks furious but Bucky speaks up before she can, “My personal life isn’t something to be bought and sold. I don’t owe people that and I will not speak on behalf of another person, especially _Steve Rogers._ ”

“That’s not a no.”

Bucky grinds his teeth, “It’s not a yes either.”

“This has devolved into a circus.” Pepper stands, smoothing out the lines of her skirt, “We were here to speak about a natural disaster and James’ spot as team lead. This is unnecessary and crass.”

“It’s a question.” The interviewer presses.

Bucky stands with Pepper and watches her breathe in twice to calm down before answering, “This is an interrogation. As Mr. Barnes has said, you are not entitled to his life, nor is anyone else but himself.”

“Maybe Captain America would be willing to speak with us.”

Pepper laughs, “I can promise you here and now that after this Steve Rogers will refuse to even answer your calls.”

As they turn to leave, knowing full well they’re stepping out on a live show, the interviewer asks, “If you’re not willing to be transparent about your personal lives how do we know you’re telling the truth about the Winter Soldier?”

Bucky turns then while Pepper pulls out her phone to make a call while talking avidly with Natasha. He moves back into frame but doesn’t sit. He takes in a breath and lifts his chin.

“I am willing to say any and all I can about the Winter Soldier. There is nothing I would rather do than attempt to correct his wrongs. However, I am a person. My name isn’t the Winter Soldier- it is James Buchanan Barnes and I don’t owe anything.”

The moment he steps off the set the team is there, most of it, anyway. They all look angry, tired, and ready to go home. He sees Tony move to his right side. Tony doesn’t dare to hold his hand around these people but he leans against him the same way Wanda is on his other side.

Bucky smiles, making sure to make eye contact with each person, “Everyone ready to go home?”

They all just nod.

-

Everyone has gone to their respective beds.

Excepting Clint, who has gone home. The house is quiet and Bucky’s relieved to be home. He hadn’t imagined that the media would take him in stride. If there’s anything the media tries to do, it’s make a story, and nothing sells quite like intrigue.

So he’s sitting on the living room couch flipping through the collection of movie titles without seeing them. His mind is in a million places at once but still feels blank.

Pepper had told him that he had handled himself well. Her approval did make him feel a little better about the situation. Even though he couldn’t help but go over it again and again and wish he’d said something else. Or something better. God, he hated live tv.

He’s shocked out of his thoughts when he hears Wanda speak, “You said something today that I said once.”

She’s standing in front of him in pajamas with a cup of water in one hand and a dog-eared book in the other. She looks tired in the way she does after using her power extensively. Out of all of them he feels as if Wanda should have been up there with him. She’d done a lot of good today.

“Oh, yeah?”

She nods, “It’s a hard thing to tell yourself. Often I find myself wishing that I could just change everyone’s mind. Sometimes I think I could.”

Bucky understands in that moment that she means manipulation with her magic and he understands the terror there. Wanda is a scary person with power that extends past the imagination. He cares for her so much in that moment because even though she has supposedly limitless power she still does her best to do what is right.

“But you don’t.”

“I have, before.” Wanda smiles sadly. “Power used, even if you mean for it to be for the better, can still end in death. In the end, your intentions – whether they’re good or bad – pave the road to hell.”

Bucky frowns and folds his hands in his lap, “What are you saying?”

“You said that you cannot control how others feel about you. I have said the same. I cannot control other people’s fear, only my own.” She sighs, “I think I may have been wrong. I still fear myself. And I think you know what that’s like.”

Bucky looks away and considers. She’s right, there is a part of him that does worry about the Soldier coming back. He’s terrified that side of him will take over one day and he’ll be gone – shelved away to watch the Soldier deal death.

“What do you do?” Bucky asks, looking back to her.

She shrugs, “I just tell myself every day that I will not become that person. That I will do to the best of my ability to do good.”

“Does it help?”

“Sometimes.” She smiles sadly, “Nothing is ever a permanent fix, James. Like everything else in our lives, we have to persevere to do our best because it is our responsibility.”

Bucky smiles, “You did that there, for those people in Ocean City.”

“And I will continue to try my best.” Wanda smiles. She moves to leave but then turns to say one last thing, “You were also right that no one has a right to your personal life. We are not animals to be kept in cages and shown off. Like celebrities, we deserve our privacy.”

“That’ll be hard won.”

She laughs, “I’m willing to fight for it.”

“Me, too.” Bucky says. “Me, too.”

-

Bucky and Tony haven’t really had a chance to share a bed since Tony’s panic attack.

Their lives were busy. Being Team Lead was so much more than yelling orders and being the spokesperson of the team. It was late nights pouring over strategy and creating new team tactics and dynamics. It was reading up on your team members and teaching yourself about their strengths so that you could play to them.

And Tony was in his lab more and more. He’d gotten into a groove in which his goal was to make as much new tech as possible for the team. Bucky could tell now the difference between Tony on a roll and a Tony that needs a break.

So Bucky had been surprised to see Tony come into their room and walk up to the bed. He looked a little disheveled but that was really more of the norm than anything else. Bucky is struck then by the powerful need to just hold Tony.

“You did a good job in that interview.”

Bucky keeps himself from reaching out, “Didn’t figure you wanted to step out with me officially yet. Besides, it’s no one’s business.”

Tony comes closer, taking his filthy shirt off and his jeans before rooting around in the dresser for something comfortable to wear.

“I’m ready when you are, sugar. But as much as the world has changed since you remember, homophobia is still real.”

“I’ve seen the news reports.” Bucky frowns, remembering the violence, “People have died.”

Tony dresses himself and turns, leaning against the dresser, “I suppose we could use the media focus for our gain here. Coming out to the nation. Making a statement.”

“You could also get crucified in the news. SI stocks would go down at least a little. They’d claim it was my brainwashing that ‘turned’ me. They’d say your time in Afghanistan warped you.” Buck leans back to rest against the headboard and sighs, “I’ve seen the politics of the time. I know what your media does with things like this.”

Tony comes closer and stands at the foot of the bed and puts his hands on the foot board, “For this, surprisingly, you need to look smaller. Imagine the impact on the kids. Having a hero that’s gay, like you, or bi, like me. Seeing people like ourselves succeed and being happy is a big thing, Bucky.”

“I guess I still have a little bit of the fear from way back when.”

Tony shrugs, “That fear is still a real thing. Look,” Tony sighs and hangs his head for a second before leveling Bucky with an intense stare, “I think it’s worth talking about with the team. Also, with Pepper and the PR team at SI. But I’m all for it because it’s needed. I would’ve killed to have seen that not only was Captain America bi but he was out and doing ok when I was younger.”

“You knew that he was bi?”

“No, I thought he was gay. Or at least my dad did.” Tony sighs, “Just think of the good we could do, Bucky. The charities, the organizations, the conferences, etc.”

Bucky smiles, “We sort of need to talk with the team about it.”

“Not to mention that you don’t want people to know about your personal life.”

“I don’t think people are entitled to my life.” Bucky corrects. “They don’t get to steal or buy bits and pieces to collage together a picture of what they think I look like.”

Tony snorts, “I wish I’d gone about it that way.”

Bucky looks at him then, fondly, and can’t help but ask, “Can you come onto the bed?”

Tony looks at him then, first looking into his eyes then at his metal arm. Bucky could see the moment in which Tony steeled himself. It filled his heart with love in the most melodramatic and ridiculously fluffy of ways to know that Tony was willing and able to try and overcome this in order to just be with him.

All that considered he feels the need to say, “You don’t have to, Tony.”

“I do.” Tony says and looks Bucky right in the eyes. “I need to do this.”

Bucky stops him with a hand, his flesh hand, “No, you don’t.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Tony says, equal parts petulant and frustrated.

Bucky just sits still and watches Tony move around the bed, “What can I do?”

“You can continue to sit there and then just keep talking to me.”

“Ok,” Bucky agrees, “I can do that. So what was that box you made for Wanda?”

Tony inches closer, still looking at the arm, “It’s just a box.”

“What do you mean?”

Tony shrugs, “It’s just a box. It’s got some small weights in it to make it seem heavy and it has a little thing inside that whirs when you touch it.”

“So it does nothing.” Bucky frowns, “Then why did it work?”

Tony is right next to him now and Bucky has to keep himself from reaching out. Instead he just turns his arm over so that the metal palm is facing up.

“The box does nothing.” Tony looks briefly up at Bucky to give him a smile. “That’s all Wanda.”

“You realize she’ll be pissed that you lied about the box.”

Tony nods, “Yeah, I’m not real happy about that part but I wanted to show her that she can do things like that. Her fear holds her back. I get that.”

Bucky just gives Tony a sad smile, “I’m sorry you’re afraid.”

“Me, too, sweet stuff.”

Tony finally reaches out and touches the arm. Bucky can feel his fingertips barely ghost along the metal. The callouses on his fingertips catch lightly as he purposefully moves his hand from Bucky’s shoulder down to the palm of his hand.

“It’s different.”

Bucky looks down at his hand, “What do you mean?”

“When I was building it I only really saw it as a tool, you know? Like a new piece of tech. I was excited…thrilled to be able to make you something I knew you needed.” Tony presses his hand into Bucky’s but keeps his grip light, “But then I saw it _on_ you and all I could see was that hand crushing me. All I could see was your face in that fight and then I was actually scared.”

“I don’t _need_ this arm, Tony.”

Tony removes his hand and looks fully at Bucky, “Bullshit.”

“No, I mean it.” Bucky sighs and swings his legs over the side of the bed slowly so that he’s sitting, looking up at Tony, and reaches out with his right hand. “There’s a multitude of options I have, Tony. As much as I like this arm and its abilities…I _love_ you and your feelings matter to me.”

Tony laughs and makes an effort to reach out and touch Bucky’s mechanized shoulder, “I love you, too, cupcake. That’s why I’m willing to work through my issues with you. I’m doing this for you.”

“You don’t have to be the one who is always giving something up.” Bucky rubs circles into Tony’s wrist, “I can still be Bucky without the arm.”

“I saw your face. In fact, I’m positive I have your reaction on film. You love this arm, James.” Tony sighs and pulls Bucky into a hug, resting his head on top of Bucky’s short-cropped hair. “We have more issues to work through than the arm, sugar cookie. The arm just happens to be the most glaring.”

Bucky mumbles into Tony’s chest, forehead against the arc reactor, “I just want to make it easy for you. I want whatever is best for you. You deserve it.”

“What if I think you’re the best for me, huh?” Tony laughs and pulls away enough to look Bucky in the eyes. “We have things to work through that would put most other couples to shame. There’s going to always be reminders and I won’t ever be one-hundred percent ok. But I love you, James Barnes. And what makes me happy is you. So let me work through this, ok?”

Bucky nods and raises his head and cranes his neck. He feels Tony’s hands move up to cup either side of his face. It’s the best moment that he’s had in a while. Tony’s hands are warm and his thumbs are stroking Bucky’s cheekbones in a way that makes his eyes close and a pleasant, content hum reverberate in his chest.

Tony leans down and kisses him and it’s so sweet that Bucky smiles into each press of lips. He’s happy, undeniably so, and he can’t believe that this person, this incredible, self-sacrificing person loves him. Out of all the things that has happened in Bucky’s life he’d never even dared to hope that he’d have something this beautiful.

So in between kisses he tells Tony over and over, “I love you, too.”

When they lay down together in bed for some much needed sleep Tony still has to sleep to Bucky's right. He curls himself around Bucky's right arm and does his best to avoid the metal on the left. It's the small victories, Bucky figures. If Tony is willing to try then Bucky is willing to wait. Even if it takes forever he'll still love each minute of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for Tony working through his stuff. Still not perfect but he's trying. We're getting to the end of this part of the series, ya'll. So remember to add the series to your subscription list. There's a method to my madness. Also yay for me breaking 60k!
> 
> The next little bit is going to be pretty media/politics heavy with some good, solid team dynamic stuff, Tony talks about Siberia, and then a question is popped. It all ends with a wedding. I don't want to get your hopes up (unless you've been rooting for it) so imma just say it's Rhodey/Sam.
> 
> I have been working on a Rhodey/Sam parallel piece that will also be added into the series. God, this is a monster.


	33. One Door Closes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony talks about Siberia. Thor returns with news. Rhodey and Sam have their wedding.
> 
> It's the end for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! This is the end of the first in the series so be sure to subscribe to the series itself. Updating schedule should remain the same so expect your first chapter of 'Warmth' very soon.
> 
> *Warning*
> 
> Graphic Depictions of Injuries and...powerlessness?

Bucky’s at the end of the bed with Tony’s feet in his lap while he rubs them. After a few hours of muscle-aching practice, Bucky had decided that the team needed to call an early night. Everyone needed to get together – including Clint – at the end of the week and assign a new strategy formation for the same buddy set.

But all of that needed to be put on the back burner because tonight Tony wanted to talk about Siberia.

“I was awake for the first few days in Siberia.” Tony’s feet twitch slightly. “I couldn’t move. The reactor was flashing in and out and communications were down. When I woke up that first time the only thing I had was FRIDAY letting me know that it had been forty minutes. I’d been knocked unconscious for forty minutes. That’s not good.”

Tony quiets then and his eyes flicker back and forth like he’s recalling a long-lost memory. His hands are folded over his stomach and they clench and unclench over one another. With his whole body tense, he continues.

“I was so sure the first time that I was going to die. Seeing Steve walk away from me, seeing him drag you along, I thought that I was about to die and that I deserved it.” He sighs, “But then, after waking up to FRIDAY, I thought to myself- _I’m getting out of this. Someone will come back. Steve will come back._ But no one did. I waited for hours and at one point I remember thinking it was a dream. Steve wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ , do this to me. Then I slept.”

He’s quiet for a long while, chewing on his lip and drumming out a dull staccato on his stomach with one hand. He takes a breath and holds it for as long as he can, lets it out, and takes a sip of water before setting it back on the nightstand.

“I slept a lot. There’s a special kind of horror that comes from nothing. When you’re stuck somewhere and you can’t move and nothing happens. Sometimes I would wake up and I would believe that I was in hell. That the devil himself had carved out this little piece of it especially for me.

“Other times I would just yell until I was hoarse. I screamed for help. For anyone to hear me. I could hear my voice echo and it was the only response I had. It was so quiet, Bucky. So, so quiet. The snow has this way about it that masks noise. Everything sounds soft.

“After a while FRIDAY said that she wouldn’t be able to talk to me anymore. That she would be taking up valuable battery life. She was so focused on using every bit of that suit to keep me alive for as long as she could. I can’t tell you how many times I asked her to just let me die.

“But, after FRIDAY had gone quiet, after I’d screamed myself into silence, I just accepted it. This was my downfall. Killed by my friend and missed by none. I came out of myself at that point. My face was experiencing frostbite and my eyes became harder and harder to open. I let go and I faded. And then it was just dark.”

Bucky rubs up onto Tony’s calf and tries to school his features. He’s so incredibly angry with himself and with Steve that he doesn’t really know what to do with it. Tony shifts and looks down at Bucky, face serious and jaw clenched.

“I’ve questioned myself a lot. About if dating a person who did that to me was healthy. I wondered at whether or not I should blame you.” He sucks his teeth and leans back to look up at the ceiling. “You fought against me, sure. But I fought you, too. I can’t assign all that blame to you. But Steve?” He laughs darkly. “I still can’t keep myself from blaming him. For his lies and for fighting me. For leaving me there.”

“But you forgave him.” Bucky adds, confused.

Tony sighs and runs his hands over his face, “Yeah, I did. And I still do, in a way. I forgave you, too. You were used and I know what that’s like, in a way. We both hold fault in that fight. But Steve knew better, or should have, and still doesn’t quite understand exactly what he did to me. I forgive him because the team needs him. I forgive him because there’s this traitorous part of my brain that just wants things between us to be normal. Because I miss him.”

Bucky nods, “I get that.”

“I know you do.” Tony gives him a smile. “I want to forgive him. Fully. You know what I mean? I want to feel like I can trust him with my life again. But I’m not at that point yet. I don’t know if he’d save me when I needed saving.”

“He wants this talk.” Bucky interjects. “He needs to hear this. When you’re ready.”

Tony sighs again and gives Bucky a shaky smile, “I’d like to tell him, too. But I want – no, I need – someone else to be there with me for it. Because I don’t trust myself to not fold. I know he’s been working on building trust. I know that it’s been difficult for him. Maybe it would be easier if he knew what foundation he needs to pour.”

“He’s been operating under the impression that the lie he told you is the only thing he needs to cover. But it’s actually that and more. You need to know that you can trust him with your life.”

Tony nods and gives Bucky a smile, “Exactly. I want to be sure he won’t abandon me again.”

Buck smiles and gives a soothing rub to Tony’s calf.

“You’re doing well with the arm today.” Bucky adds, off-topic.

Tony wiggles his toes, “It’s a little easier today.”

“I think it may be because it’s not as close to your face.”

“That and the fact that this massage is great. How often can I expect this treatment?”

Bucky laughs, “As often as you want, doll. I aim to please.”

-

When Thor returns it’s with a flash of light and what Sam calls ‘a beautiful crop circle’ to the south lawn.

“My friends.” Thor says, nodding to the group, “Hemidall has told me much about your exploits. I am glad to see your friendship is repairing itself and that you are alive, dear Stark.”

Tony blinks and looks up at Thor, “You saw me in Siberia?”

“Yes.” Thor looks upset, “At the time I could not help you. Please know that I tried everything in my power to attempt a visit to earth to save you.”

Bucky looks at Tony and whispers, “Who is this guy?”

“Ah, yes, Bucky Barnes, as I have heard you prefer to be called. Hemidall is very pleased to have witnessed your life and see you now thriving and spreading your goodwill.”

Sam laughs, “I can’t believe you have a fan boy.”

“This is Thor.” Tony says. “He’s the Norse legend you remember.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” Rhodey laughs, “that was my reaction, too.”

“Friends, I come bearing news. Nova, a great warrior from your planet, is on his way here to ask of your help with the Black Vortex.”

Sam mumbles, “Ya’ll always have the craziest shit happen to you.”

“What does that mean?” Bucky is trying to understand several things at once. “What’s the Black Vortex?”

Thor sets down his hammer with a soft thunk and motions to the deck furniture on the porch, “Shall we sit?”

Everyone takes a place around the table and Thelma and Louise both come out briefly to set a few pitchers of lemonade out, glasses, and sandwiches. Thor practically inhales one and then chugs the entire glass of lemonade before wiping his mouth and settling in to speak.

“The Black Vortex is an object that reflects your cosmic potential to you, like an altered mirror. If you happen to like what you see – which most do – then you submit to the mirror and you gain that power.” Thor shakes his head. “This object has caused quite a bit of grief. Power like that can change a person.”

“Not to mention if it got into the wrong hands.” Natasha says, across from Thor.

He nods, “That’s the problem. This object has been in possession of many who would and have used its power for evil.”

Bucky speaks up, “We aren’t equipped to handle something like that. We aren’t better than any others. Power like that corrupts.”

“It pleases me to hear this, friend.” Thor smiles. “I feel this is why its best caretakers for now are you. This object needs to lay only in your hands for a moment. I believe, as my mother does, that the final resting place is in the hands of Gara. Of whom will be close on the tail of Nova, just short of his arrival by a month’s time by your standards.”

“It’s dangerous to hold, though, yes?” Wanda speaks up. “People are looking for this.”

“Yes, I am afraid that’s true. That is why I have come to you.”

Tony clicks his tongue, “Why can’t you hold it on Asgard?

“I know my brother lives. I can feel it. I would not dare have something like this in Asgard. No one there, save my own mother and Hemidall, knows of this object. I would like to keep it this way.”

Bucky sighs, “I can do my best but as I’m sure you know, we are operating under strict Earth politics. We can’t keep this here without notifying that power of what we hold.”

“I understand.” Thor sighs, “Nova will be here soon – a full year from now. I will stay to see him here safely before returning to Asgard. I hope that during this time you may be able to convince those you answer to of this importance.”

Sam shifts in his chair and looks around the table, “Please tell me I’m not the only one who sees the problem here. Once the UN hears about this they’ll just want to exploit it.”

Bucky looks at Thor, “Could you speak on behalf of others? Can you tell them of the Black Vortex’s danger?”

“I will do my best.” Thor frowns, “But they also do need to be informed of those who will come to earth in search of the Vortex. Many know this is Nova’s destination. Not many know of the time frame. Earth will gain many visitors.”

“Shit.” Tony says.

Steve puts his forearms on the table to lean in, “How do we know the UN won’t just take this? We have no precedent to believe that they’ll let us take care of the problem.”

“We also have to precedent that says they’ll keep the object and use it.” Tony adds, frustrated. “The Accords hasn’t had the time to do much of anything.”

Sam butts in, “What’s the harm in keeping it to ourselves?”

“Boys.” Natasha snaps, “Use your brains. If we keep this from the council and the beings that Thor mentioned do come to earth, we have no guarantee that we’ll get to handle those problems. We could bring those people to our doorstep. We don’t need another excuse for the UN to use against us.”

“Natasha is right. We need complete transparency here. They need to know about everything and we need to have faith that they’ll let us take care of that problem.” Bucky says, firm.

Tony leans in then, “We could have Pepper work something up with our lawyers. Try to come at them with something concise and airtight.”

“I don’t know.” Nat looks speculative. “I think we should bring this up as team. If we come at it with an unnecessary show of political force it’ll put them on the defensive.”

“Is this another one of your ‘put your ego away’ moments?” Tony bites back.

“Tony,” Natasha sighs, “That’s not what I meant.” She mumbles, “I’m going to regret saying that for the rest of my life.”

Steve interjects, “You shouldn’t have to.”

“No, Steve. I should.” Natasha leans back in her chair and crosses her arms, “When will you get that?”

Wanda speaks up, voice stronger than usual, “Maybe we could do both?”

“I think you all have valid points.” Bucky leans back and looks everyone in the eye. “We need to approach the committee as a team. There should never be a time in which we appear to be divided. However, I think we could benefit from touching base with Pepper’s team. It’s wise to use any and all resources we have.”

“It’s decided then.” Thor smiles, slapping Bucky on the back hard enough to knock the wind out of him, “For now, though, I say that we should join in together as friends and make merry for the rest of the night.”

Sam smiles, “Now that I can get behind.”

-

No one had seen the proposal.

Tony was really the only one unsurprised about the engagement while everyone else was left stunned. The wedding invitations had come as a complete shock, though, to everyone.

Bucky supposes that if he’d have a wedding he would do it the same way. A quiet engagement where the most important moment of his life was special and intimate, rather than public. He understood Rhodey and Sam a little better in that moment.

The ceremony had been quick and small but their vows still managed to make Bucky tear up.

Sam went first, “I promise to give you the love and respect that you deserve. You are my north star. When I needed someone you were there. I can depend on you like people depend on the sun rising each morning. Spending the rest of my life waking up to you is enough to make me happy forever. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner and I am forever grateful that you are who I have to love and to hold.”

Wanda was patting her eyes in the front pew while Steve beamed up at him. Next was Rhodey, whose eyes never once wavered from Sam’s.

“I had given up before I met you on finding a person for me who I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, would love me. Someone I could depend upon to commit. Then I found you and I couldn’t believe my luck. You are a confident, intelligent, and beautiful man. For the first time in years I was a blushing teenager again who couldn’t help but love you from the git-go. When I was injured I thought for sure that you would leave. But when you stayed I realized you were it for me. Your love has kept me going and I can only hope that I can do the same for you for as long as I live.”

So when Sam and Rhodey kissed after their ‘I do’s’ Bucky was tearing up a bit. Tony is right there, looking so happy and pleased for his best friend that Bucky can’t help but wrap his arm around him and pull him in close to his side. Their suits crumple and crease but he couldn’t care less. There was something about weddings that just made you hopeful.

It was something to see himself here. There was a surreal moment where the whole thing felt like a fever dream. The steps he’d taken to be where he was, sharing this moment with his team, seemed to have taken both a lifetime and a moment all at once.

His life flashed before his eyes and in that brief second he saw what surely could be qualified as a nightmare change into a dream. He hoped against all hope that this was real and that he wouldn’t wake up again in that cold cryo tank with nothing but a set of words and a red book to greet him.

He couldn’t think like that, though. He was here. Surrounded by friends in celebration of life centered him. This was who he was now. This was James Buchanan Barnes.

Rhodey and Sam were married and the team did their best to make the whole day a precious memory. So he forced himself to place all the fear and worry to the back of his mind and by the time everyone paired off to dance he twirled Tony around and managed to thank whoever was listening that they all had this moment for now.

Because Lord knows a storm was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exhausted, honestly, but here it is! I hope you've liked it so far. The second installment called 'Warmth' will be coming out chapter-by-chapter starting tomorrow. :D  
> Thanks for sticking with me everyone! I know WIPs can be a pain.  
> What to expect:  
> There's going to be a lot of Steve. We're still going to get a lot of Bucky/Tony and the story is still Tony-centric so don't freak out. But it's time to see the tentative friendship begin and grow. Steve still has to learn and he'll still make mistakes, but we're moving forward.  
> We also have the UN, the Black Vortex, and threats to Earth to overcome. Let's hope our newly-fixed team can handle the strain without falling apart. 
> 
> I'm also writing a companion piece that centers around Rhodey and Sam's relationship.
> 
> Special thanks to:  
> jamilynbrand, TearfullPixie, Moonlighht, Pinklee, KiernaSerea, and Meadow_Wanderer for leaving me consistent, helpful, and uplifting comments on this story. It really helped me get through it and stay with it. I hope to see you follow me to the second piece.

**Author's Note:**

> heeeyyyyyy another drugged up story! yay! more to come.
> 
> comment with prompts if you'd like to get a little drabble outside of this story.


End file.
